Papers shuffle. Ian’s voice fills the room again, followed by collective murmurs. All distractions I need right now, but don’t give in to. I can’t. But it’s been like this. I’ve been a walking zombie, present in the office but not functioning at the level I’m used to. Or that my colleagues are used to seeing from me.
It’s pathetic, really. I haven’t felt this unhinged since I first met Dylan.
I twist the band around my finger as my eyes lose focus.
I’ve been told this kind of anxiety is normal for this situation, but constant? Is it possible to have a coronary at thirty-three? The problem is I have zero control over this situation. None. And I need fucking control.
The conference door swings open, grabbing my attention immediately, and I’m on my feet before I even register who steps through because there are two things I know for sure right now.
Everyone who is supposed to be in this meeting is here.
And no one’s stupid enough to barge into this room without knocking first. Unless the reason behind the intrusion is too important for pleasantries, such as knocking.
Dave sees me walking straight at him. “Mr. Carroll, it’s time. You need to go.”
My hand is in my pocket, pulling out my phone. “Why didn’t she call me?” But before he can answer my irritated question, I see the missed calls. One from the bakery number and one from Joey. “Fucking piece of shit phone.” I look around at the stunned faces of my colleagues, giving them an apologetic nod.
Ian’s at my back, hand halting me on my shoulder. He pulls me into a hug. “This is it, man. You ready?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I…” I stammer on my words, suddenly not feeling prepared for the moment I’ve been more than prepared for.
He slaps me on the back, ending our hug. “You’re ready. You’ll be fine.”
I think I say goodbye to him, to Dave, to every person I pass in the hallway. It’s all a blur of distractions. Fucking distractions I no longer want to be aware of. I go over what I’m supposed to do, replaying my role over and over again in my head. The classes, the books I’ve read, marking pages, highlighting shit that freaked me the fuck out. Internet searches and YouTube videos I ignored the warnings of.
“Don’t watch those. It won’t be like that,” she said to me.
But I did. I watched them all. Trying to somehow retain enough knowledge of every possible scenario that could play out when the time came. Needing to know more information than the damn doctors who have studied this for years. I’ve smothered her with my overbearing, overprotective side that’s way the hell surpassed anything she’s ever seen from me. And anything I’ve ever felt. I will always be possessive over my wife, but the domineering drive which took over my body two hundred and eighty seven days ago is borderline psychotic. Luckily, she seemed to have been expecting my behavior.
I don’t know where to go, so I stop at the information desk. The young woman looks up at me, expectantly waiting for me to speak with raised eyebrows. Speak. Speak, asshole!
“Dylan Carroll.”
Her fingers press the keys like a fucking child would, one at a time. I close my hands into fists, clamping my eyes shut because I can’t watch her do this to me right now. Twelve keys. That’s all she needs to press. Twelve. Come fucking on.
“Take the elevators to the second floor. She’s in room two fifteen.”
I see the line of people waiting in front of the row of elevators. Too many people. I opt for the stairs, taking them two, three at a time and exploding onto the second floor.
Two fifteen. Two fifteen.
I push the door open, stepping into the room filled with people in turquoise-colored scrubs. Joey and Juls are standing on either side of the large hospital bed, each of them holding a delicate hand. My delicate hand. I think I hear the doctor say something to me but can’t comprehend it as I step up and connect with who I’m here for.
Dylan lifts her eyes to me, those big brown eyes that dilate every time she sees me. Her hair is sticking to the side of her face, cheeks flushed bright red, and lips pursed as she squeezes her eyes shut and lets out a sound that has me shoving Joey nearly clear across the room to get to her.