“Are you saying that because you think we’re going to die?”
“No,” I responded, keeping my hands over my face. There was a long pause before I could manage to speak again. “That would make it easier, actually.”
“Why do you say that?”
Because you wouldn’t have the chance to hurt me.
“Because I’m not going to care about anything if I’m dead,” I said out loud. “You probably won’t give a shit at that point, either.”
My leg was bouncing again, and it was going to drive me insane.
“Bastian…” I heard her moving close to me and looked up quickly. She was reaching out to touch me, and I flinched back, pushing with my heels to move away from her.
“Don’t!” I growled.
“Don’t what?” Raine asked. She stopped coming closer.
“Don’t touch me,” I clarified.
“Why not?”
Because I want it and I don’t deserve it.
“Just don’t fucking touch me!” My hands were starting to shake along with my leg, and I wondered if you could go through withdrawal twice without actually imbibing in between. Long story short – I wanted a drink. I fucking needed a drink, and there was nowhere to get one. My hands found my hair and tugged against the roots.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Stark?”
“Don’t fucking talk to me,” I snarled.
“You aren’t seriously pining for that bitch, are you? I mean, really, she’s fucked half the guys in the organization, and that’s just this week.”
“Don’t you fucking talk about her that way!” I screamed, heading towards him and ready for blood. I watched my fist connect with his temple.
This sort of thing was exactly why I lived in a fucking bottle as often as possible. I didn’t need this. I didn’t need to be thinking about this shit and remembering all the fucked up moments in my life. I certainly didn’t need this tiny little girl fucking with my life this way. I needed time to clear my head, and I needed to be away from Raine before she sent me completely over the edge.
Over the edge.
That’s what I needed.
I pushed past Raine and crawled over to the raft opening. I raised myself up on my knees and started unbuttoning my shorts.
“What are you doing?” Raine cried out.
“I need a swim,” I said. I rose up enough to pull the shorts down over my hips and then twisted a bit to pull them off. I grabbed the end of the tether and started tying it to my waist. Once it was secure, I looked over my shoulder to see Raine with her hands over her face.
“I don’t care if you look, you know,” I said bluntly.
“I do.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to,” Raine said softly.
“Are you afraid you are going to like it?” I taunted. I wanted her to be angry with me. I wanted her to scream obscenities and tell me what a fucking asshole I was. I didn’t want her help, her kindness, or anything else from her. I couldn’t let myself feel anything for her, and pissing her off was the best recourse for making sure she hated me. I needed to be able justify whatever it was I was trying to bury inside myself, and she needed to stay the fuck away from me before I brought her down to my level.
“No,” Raine said. I didn’t need to see her glare – I could hear it. “Why are you going swimming?”
There was fear in her voice, and it occurred to me she probably thought I wasn’t coming back. I wanted to yell at her to not be so fucking pathetic, but couldn’t bring myself to do it even if it would be the means to the end I sought. Everything in my body was tensed, and I could feel my muscles rallying around the contradictory mental messages to run, to fight, to embrace, to kill…
“I have too much energy and no where to put it,” I told her. “There aren’t that many options around here.”
“Well, what are your options?”
“Besides swimming?” Distracted by her question, I looked around and considered the options. I came up with nothing that didn’t involve getting Raine in a similar outfit to the one I was wearing at that exact moment, minus the tether. Well…maybe even with the tether. Shit. “If this fucking raft came with a weight room, I’d be set.”
“I think it’s located right past the en suite bath,” Raine smiled, and all thoughts of making her hate me vanished.
I looked over to her, my eyes dropped down her body and back up again, but for once I wasn’t actually thinking about getting her naked. I was actually wondering if she’d be adverse to me using her in a totally different way.
“How much do you weigh?”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me.”
“That’s kind of a personal question,” Raine said, her face turning red.
“Maybe a hundred pounds?” I pressed.
“One-fifteen, if you really have to know.”
“Maybe when you first got here,” I said. “I bet you aren’t more than a hundred now. Good enough, though. You can be my weight room.”