Theresa walked slowly away from me, waving her hand and looking at me with her half closed, dead blue eyes. An owl flew across my line of sight, and I watched it as it flew up into the air and landed on the branch of the big tree in the yard of the group home. When I looked back, Theresa was gone. The new counselor was gone, too. I knew he was going to hurt her, but I just kept standing there, watching the owl up on its perch. Then I was in a bathroom, looking down a line of showers. I hadn’t been in here before, but I knew where I was. I took a couple of steps forward and slipped in a bright red pool on the ground.
I sat straight up and covered my mouth to stop any sound from coming out. Sweat dripped into my eyes until I wiped my brow with the back of my hand. I tried holding my breath to stop it from coming out so fast, but I couldn’t. I had to allow myself to pant until my body calmed down a little.
I pulled back the flap to let in some fresh air, allowing the light from the full moon to pour in around me. With shaking hands, I pulled the last cigarette out of the pouch on my belt and lit it. At least the regular deep breathing that goes along with smoking helped me to relax a little. The visions were still in my head though. The nicotine didn’t do anything to help with that shit.
I smoked and tried to think about doing shots in the bar the night before The Oblation capsized. I thought about the hooker who left me her business card and how good it was getting off in her.
It didn’t make any difference. All I could see was a pool of blood on the floor of a little walk-in shower stall, and all I could hear was the last conversation I had with her as it played through my head.
“Can I ask you a question, Bastian?” Theresa asked. She used the back of her hand to wipe off the corner of her mouth.
“Sure,” I said, pulling my jeans back up and lighting a smoke.
“Do you like me?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Just what I said – do you like me?”
“I like the way you look up at me when your lips are wrapped around my cock,” I said with a laugh. She looked away and didn’t join in my laughter. “Shit, babe – I was just fucking with you. You know I like you.”
“What if I didn’t want to do this anymore?” Theresa waved her hand between the two of us.
“You want to stop?” I said with a scowl. “This was your idea, not mine.”
“I’m not saying that – just wondering if you would still like me then.”
“This is a fucking stupid conversation.” I sat back against the wall and played with my cigarette.
“You should stop smoking. It’s bad for you.”
“What the fuck, Theresa?”
“I just don’t want anything to happen to you.”
I brought the cigarette back up to my mouth and sucked hard before flicking ash out over the water. I watched it float off, spinning around in the wind until it hit the black water and disappeared.
“Bastian?”
I took another drag on the cigarette, not wanting any of this last little peace of mind to be wasted. I didn’t look at her.
“Are you all right?”
“Sure,” I said. My voice sounded dead, even to me. I took the final drag off the final cigarette, cringed at the taste of burning filter in my mouth, and tossed the butt into the water.
“What happened to her?”
“Who?” I asked, knowing full well who she meant. How she knew I was thinking about her, I couldn’t fathom. Women’s intuition, I guessed.
“Theresa.”
My shoulders tightened, and I closed my eyes for a second before looking back out over the water. I slowly closed the flap back up and moved myself back before lying down a couple feet away from her. I shifted, tried to find a more comfortable position on my back and stared up at the dark canopy.
“She killed herself,” I finally said.
I heard Raine scooting across the floor, moving closer to me. I turned my head to look towards her and saw her reach her hand out to me. Her fingertips met the hair near my temple, and she stroked down over my jaw and cheek, and then under my chin before she reached back up to my temple and started all over again. I flinched at first but didn’t back away, and she didn’t stop.
Raine moved a little closer to me, and I felt my breath lodge in my lungs and refuse to come out as she wrapped her arm around my head and brought me against her shoulder. Her fingers kept tracing over my cheek.
All my muscles tensed up, and I simply didn’t know what to do, so I froze. For a few minutes, I did nothing. With closed eyes, I lay there on my side next to her and just felt her fingers caress me. Of its own volition, my hand reached out and tentatively crept over her abdomen until my arm encircled her waist. I pulled her against me and opened my eyes, looking up at her.
I could only barely make out her face and her eyes in the darkness, but I could see her sad smile, and her eyes held an expression I didn’t think I had ever seen before. I didn’t know what to make of it, so I just stared at her for a while as she ran her fingers over my face. Eventually I tilted my head back down, settling against her shoulder, and letting the darkness swallow me back up.
*
The situation was becoming more desperate.