I didn’t see what happened directly after that. The next thing I knew I was somewhere else. Somewhere besides the street that I kept myself planted on.
I was an initiation. A seventeen-year-old helping a thirteen year old get into the Birds. A commencement into a gang. Three of them held me down and watched while the newest member did whatever he wanted to me. And just when I thought I was done, the other three helped themselves, too. They didn’t care about me. They didn’t care about my cries, my pleas to stop. They didn’t care. Nobody cared.
I knew where I was because it wasn’t the first time I’d been on that nasty mattress. Falcon took me there when his momma was home. But nobody else. Everyone knew better. The thought of asking for the drugs Tommy Boy promised crossed my mind. I wanted to go there. Where my mom used to go when a needle was inserted to her veins. To a better place.
I ran all the way to Ms. Porters, tears streaking my face for solitude. For a sign of one decent human being. Somebody who cared.
“Where the fuck have you been? I could have stroked out waiting for my medicine.”
It wasn’t her. She didn’t even see the devastation on my face. She wanted her TV dinner and another glass of wine. That’s all she cared about.
“I’m talking to you, you little slut. I knew it. I knew it would just be a matter of time before you started spreading your legs for every black boy in this neighborhood. That where you been, slut?”
I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to die. I wanted my twin. That’s when I ran. I went to my small bedroom and packed only what I had to have. A few clothes, a stuffed moon, and seven dollars that I had been saving to run away. Money I kept back every time Ms. Porter sent me to the store.
That would get me to the end of the street, but I didn’t care. I left anyway. I left with Ms. Porter calling after me.
“Hey, where you going? Get back here, you little slut.” I ran until I couldn’t run anymore.
~~
My eyes opened to me on my computer. Not this me. The before me. Paxton was watching a muted video of him behind me. My heart hurt and I understood why. Why I looked like a robot when he touched me. I shut down. I shut all the way down. The only expression I showed was blank. Had I not seen Paxton pounding me from behind, I would have never known we were even going at it.
“Paxton?”
The screen instantly closed in front of me. I didn’t even care about that. I just didn’t want to remember anymore. I knew what was happening. I read about it. Some trauma patients remembered in steps. Their brain rested and gave them just enough each time. It wasn’t even like a memory, but it was. I knew it happened, and I knew that’s why I had nothing for Paxton then. I wanted it to stop. I didn’t want to remember anymore. My life was better off from this point forward. Post-accident.
“What?” he said, barely a whisper.
I swallowed the lump and spoke through the horsiness. “Will you put your arm around me?”
I moved a little and snuggled into his chest. Eyes wide open. I wasn’t about to go back to sleep. I wasn’t sure I’d ever sleep again. I had enough. I didn’t want to remember.
Chapter Twenty
Paxton never did admit it, but he loved my vacation plans. Four days at the water resort where he could relax. Perfect waterpark for two little girls. The first day was spent being tired from the flight, yet a lot of fun. Neither Rowan nor Ophelia asked about Disneyland. They were too busy sliding down the multiple slides.
I shielded my eyes from the sun and looked up to Paxton, holding a drink with a pink and white umbrella.
“Thanks, lover.”
“Shh, this is a family resort. Are you seriously making them wait four days?” he asked as one leg went to each side of the lounge chair.
“Look at them. I don’t think they’re going to mind. Relax and enjoy it,” I said while sipping the fruity drink. Awful. If it was someone’s attempt to make a fig-and-bourbon-fizz, they sucked. I didn’t even have a fig.
“What’s wrong?” Paxton asked, eyes darting toward his nose.
I shook off my drink analyzing, letting my vison return to him.
“Nothing. Isn’t this a nice place?”
“It’s perfect. They can play on everything here, and we can see them.”
“Why do you think I picked it?”
“So we’re not spending every day here running around in the heat?”
“Not unless you want to.”
“Hell no. One day in Disneyland is plenty for me.”
It was plenty for me, too. I had the best time of my life those few days. We met another family with the same idea, and spent a lot of time with them. They had boys, but Phi and Ophelia liked them just the same.
Jack and Dee. The Willards. Dee lusted over my husband the entire time, telling me how lucky I was. I felt lucky. I got drunk around Paxton for the first time our second night there. Bloviated drunk.