“Jesus Christ. Go to bed. I can’t take anymore right now.”
I stood and walked toward him, stopping right in front of him. “Go to bed with me,” I requested. I didn’t offer my hand, only my bed.
“I can’t.”
“Why, Paxton? Why can’t you love me?”
“Walk away, Gabriella.”
My hand dropped to his hair, and my fingers laced through it. His eyes stared up and I witnessed the same loss. The same loss I felt.
“I was a victim of child pornography when I was ten. Goodnight, Paxton.”
His hand grabbed my wrist and he held me with a frown. “What?”
“I just wanted to tell you that. Something I’m sure you don’t know about me. Something that I never told you.”
“How do you know this?”
“I remember things. Mostly when I’m resting, but it’s not current. It’s from my childhood.”
“You sure? Maybe it’s something else. Something from your injury.”
I pulled my arm from his grasp and assured him with a sad tone, “It’s not. Goodnight.”
~~
Sunday was a weird day. Paxton worked from his office most of the day, avoiding me. I made a vegetable lasagna with the girl’s help and we swam in the pool while it baked. We floated on three rafts. Me in the middle. I held both their hands and we closed our eyes. The girls played a game where they had to guess where in the pool we had floated after the count of fifty. I half listened, focused more on the mess I’d gotten myself into. So many unanswered questions.
“Are we eating any time today?” Paxton asked from the door.
I raised my Elvis knockoffs over my head and looked at him. “Yes, I’ll get it on the table. Do you want it out here, or inside?”
“Outside,” Rowan and Ophelia both answered for him.
“You’re outnumbered. Your vote doesn’t count anymore,” I said in sort of a tease while I felt him out and tried to decipher his mood.
“That’s fine. We can eat out here,” he agreed.
Paxton avoided eye contact with me and stepped toward the pool. “Who’s ready for a cannonball?” he called to the girls, sending them both into swimming frenzies. Arms and legs flailing while they screamed and tried to get away. I smiled a sad smile and walked away.
Dinner was good. Other than a couple of awkward glances, we didn’t really communicate with each other. Only the girls.
“Is there any meat in this?” Paxton questioned, fork lifting pasta from his plate.
“No, zucchini. Try it. You’ll like it.”
“Make it how you normally do from now on.”
Make it yourself. Dick.
Paxton ate half the pan of lasagna himself. I wanted to rub it in so bad, but I didn’t. I cleaned up instead. He complained about being too full, wobbled his way over to the blue-and-white striped cabana bed, and fell into it.
I took the two empty milk glasses from my girls and moved my gaze from their dad’s. “You two go wash up so we can get a little nap in.”
“I’m not tired,” Rowan assured me.
“I’m not tired, too,” Ophelia followed.
“Go lay down with your dad. There’s a nice breeze today. Just rest for a little bit. You don’t have to go to sleep.”
“Get over here, monsters,” Paxton coaxed playfully. He wrestled around with them for a little bit before they settled. One in each arm, talking about a movie. Rowan made him pinky promise that he would watch it with her, and Ophelia yawned, seconds away from the nap she didn’t need. By the time I’d gotten everything carried in and the kitchen cleaned, Ophelia was out, and Rowan was deep into explaining the movie, going into great detail of why Anna had to live in an ice house.
I didn’t really ask permission to walk to the beach. I just told him without looking at him.
“I’m going to go for a walk on the beach,” I blurted.
Rowan tried to slide from the bed, but her dad stopped her with an arm over her torso. “I want to go to, Daddy.”
“No, you stay here. Mommy needs some time to think about things. She has a lot of stuff she needs to remember really fast.”
I walked away with that. Rowan’s focus left princess Anna and moved to a movie I shouldn’t have let her see. I watched it with her. It was a cute movie with no language or nudity, but it was still PG-13. I was sure I would hear about it from Paxton.
The stupid boot on my foot was like walking in quick sand on the beach. As soon as I was out of Paxton’s sight, I took it off and enjoyed the feel of warm sand on my feet. The air was cool with a soft breeze, and the sun warmed my face. A sense of wellbeing swept over me with the light breeze, and I didn’t know what I felt. My feelings betrayed me, and I never knew what to expect. I strolled along the beach in ankle-deep seawater, trying to make sense of it all. Of anything.