Straddling the Line

Eleven

“When’s the new stuff going to be ready?”

This is what passed as conversation with Billy.

“Delivery on the lathe is scheduled for two months from now.”

So far, so good, he wanted to add, but he kept that to himself. So far, he’d been able to keep the costs buried deep within the reports. So far, Dad was unaware of the huge expenditure. So far, this was going to work. But Ben forced himself to remain cautious. Until the equipment was here, where Ben and Billy could defend it—physically, if needed—there was still a lot of room for error.

“Damn.” Billy was like a kid who couldn’t believe Christmas was still months away. A few minutes later, he said, “When do I get to meet her?”

Ben stood back and looked at the frame. The bike was coming together. “Soon.”

No way he could have her stop by the shop again, not after the disaster that was the first time. But he might ask Billy to come over and play pool. That could work.

Lost in thought and focused on grinding the edges off the gas tank housing, Ben didn’t hear the shop door open and shut. He didn’t hear anything until someone clapped him on the back and said, “Ben! My man!”

Even over the sound of the angle grinder, he’d know that irritating voice anywhere. Bobby.

“Wild Bill! How’s it hanging? Still to the left?”

Billy didn’t even manage a grunt of acknowledgment. Ben kept his focus on the metal he was shaping. Over the preceding five weeks, the bike had taken shape at a satisfying pace. He stayed late on the nights Josey didn’t come over, working side by side with Billy. Sometimes they talked; most of the time they didn’t. It bordered on hanging out.

Blue wingtips—Ben blinked, but they stayed blue—walked in front of him. “Whatcha working on, bro?”

“What do you think? It’s a bike.”

Bobby whistled. “Wow. Who is she?”

Billy made an unhelpful, if amused, snort.

“Isn’t anyone going to ask me how I’m doing?”

Billy and Ben shared a look. Did little brothers ever stop being irritating?

“Fine,” Ben said. “Robert, how are you?”

“Touchy, touchy. I’m awesome, thanks for asking. Just came from talking to Dad.” He waggled a finger at Ben. “You’ve been a bad little boy, Benjamin.”

Ben’s stomach sank. Bobby was usually a pain in the ass, but the irritating grin was more menacing than usual. “Get your finger out of my face. What are you talking about?”

“I’ve got big news from New York.”

“Brother,” Billy muttered, and Ben had to agree. Whatever was coming would either be bad or irritating. More than likely, both.

“Hear me out.” Bobby’s voice took on a serious tone. “I’ve been working on a synergistic deal that is going to grow our business across all markets, and I know you guys are going to love it.”

Damn it. Josey had absorbed Ben’s every free moment for the past month and a half. He’d actually managed to put Bobby and deals with producers out of his mind. Ben turned off his angle grinder and set it down. Hitting a man with an angle grinder was bad. Punching him was still on the table.

“You mean, like the jackets that no one buys and furniture that no one sits on? We’re still carrying that loan.”

“Or the time you promised those yahoos I’d build them all those crappy bikes in two weeks? And they sued me for breach of contract?” Billy’s arms dropped. Ben made damn sure not to be in the way.

“Guys, guys! Come on—hear me out. This is totally different. A real game-changer.” He glanced over Ben’s shoulders as heavy footsteps echoed down the stairs and smiled that smile that meant nothing but trouble. “Besides, Dad just signed the contracts, so there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“You rat bastard,” Billy growled, lunging.

On the one hand, Ben hoped Billy would pound the little zit into oblivion. On the other hand, he wanted to do the pounding himself.

“Knock it off,” Dad roared as Bobby easily danced around Billy’s big swings. “When the hell are you three going to grow up?”

“They haven’t even let me explain what the deal is, Dad.”

“Dammit, you kids,” he said, sounding older than Ben remembered. He didn’t “talk” to Dad often. Usually, he just mediated the shouting. “I ain’t afraid to set you down the hard way, so sit down and shut up.”

Ben and Billy glanced at each other. They could probably take both Dad and Bobby, but then the police would get involved and Cass would yell at them all for trashing the shop—again. Reluctantly, they backed down.

“That’s more like it. A little family meeting.” Dad let the blatant falsehood of that statement hang for a second before he pulled up a stool. “Bobby here has a hell of an idea. It’s going to mean a lot more exposure, a lot more business—a lot more money. It’s going to make Crazy Horse Choppers the name in custom bikes.”

“How much?” Because, as far as Ben was concerned, that was the only question. What would this cost the company—and would they be able to survive the losses?

“What’s the deal?” Ever the practical one, that Billy.

“I’m thinking big-time, guys.” Bobby managed to look conniving and childishly excited at the same time. Man, Ben hated that look. “I signed a deal with a production company to do a series of webisodes.”

“What?” Ben and Billy asked together.

Bobby had the nerve to look smug. “Webisodes. You know, episodes for the web? This is the first step. We build our platform, bring a dedicated viewership to the table and—” He spread his hands wide. “Boom. Reality show. This is a game-changer, guys. Big-time. This takes us from a boutique brand to an international player.”

Ben shook his head. His ears must still be ringing from the angle grinder. Sounded like the little twerp had said…

“Did you say reality show?” Billy sounded truly surprised.

“We have to start with the webisodes.” When Ben and Billy kept right on staring, Bobby elaborated. “I had a meeting with David Caine, head of FreeFall TV, and he loved the idea of a show that could compete with—and beat—American Chopper. We’ve got it all—gruff father, creative genius, bottom-line boss and me.” He spread his arms wide, like he was welcoming his adoring public. “The total package. Caine loved the personality mix. Said it would lead to the kind of explosive family drama that both men and women aged eighteen to forty-five are flocking to.”

“We’re going to be on TV?” Was it possible that Billy sounded scared?

“Just the web, for starters. If we can hit Caine’s viewer targets, we get a slot on the schedule. Think of it, guys! FreeFall reaches over a hundred million potential home viewers!” Bobby grinned like an idiot.

Ben was having a little trouble understanding this so-called deal. “You—what? You sold our family?”

“Not exactly.” He flashed Ben his salesman smile. Ben hated that smile. “We’ll be paying a local production company to shoot and edit the webisodes.” He actually seemed pleased with this.

Ben turned to Billy. “Did you know about this? Did you agree to being filmed?”

“Hell, no.” Billy took a big breath and stood up to his full six-six height. “I won’t do it.”

“Ditto.” Ben stood with his brother.

What would Josey say—what would she think? They’d hit a nice rhythm. She slept at his place a few nights each week. They ate dinner, played pool, watched movies and had the kind of sex that men fought wars over. Her mom liked him. Her whole tribe liked him—well, that might be a little strong, but at the very least, they didn’t go out of their way to make his life more difficult, unlike his actual family. If he were a reality star? That would all change. It might even go away.

And then he’d be alone. With his family. Again.

“This is going to make us a lot of money,” Dad said. “We need to bring in a little more capital, and this is the way to do it.”

“Selling our family for a reality show? Are you serious? You’d rather have cameras follow us around for months rather than let me invest?”

Whatever control Ben had was starting to slip. He knew his father didn’t respect him. He could live with that—he had lived with it all this time. But to have the old man go so far out of his way to publically illustrate how little he valued Ben’s skills?

He couldn’t imagine that being hit with an angle grinder hurt any worse.

“I trust Bobby.” His father pulled himself up to his full height and slapped his youngest son on the back. “Your mother would have been proud of you, son.”

But Dad didn’t trust Ben.

How pointless it had all been, Ben saw now, to spend years trying to earn his father’s approval, his respect. To be someone his father could be proud of in a bar on a Friday night. Ben might as well have tried to make the sky yellow and the grass orange. He would have had more luck.

Everyone turned to look at him in a moment of calm before the hurricane-force storm. His whole life, he’d been the peacemaker who kept the wheels from falling off. He always kept his damned promises. That was who he was.

Wasn’t it?

Maybe not. He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life being the sucker with a spare tire chained to him, fixing a family that was always going to be broken. He wanted something different. Something more.

When he didn’t rush in to talk everyone down and smooth ruffled feathers, Bobby did what he always did—he opened his big, fat mouth. “Then it’s settled. We’re going to need to conserve our resources to make sure we can pay the production company, so I canceled that big equipment order you guys put in.”

Ben shot to his feet as he and Billy hollered, “You did what?”

Old habits died hard, and he found himself halfheartedly holding Billy back.

So this was what it came down to. In trying to keep one promise, he’d managed to break a whole bunch of his promises. The fact of the matter was that he’d never be able to keep his promise to his mother. He could keep trying until he was blue in the face, but there was no fixing his family. And his mother was dead.

He’d promised Josey, too. So much more than equipment. He’d promised that she would come first. Not just in bed, he realized, but in his life. Maybe he hadn’t said the words out loud, but he’d promised her with his actions. And that was a promise he planned to keep.

“That’s my equipment.” Billy all but growled the response, momentarily lifting Ben’s hopes. He wasn’t alone in this. It was him and Billy against Dad and Bobby. He’d take those odds.

Dad snorted in unmasked scorn as he looked at Ben and said, “I didn’t approve any of that new junk.”

He didn’t entirely trust himself not to tell the old man where he could stick his money, so he kept his mouth shut.

“Besides, we don’t need any fancy new computer equipment,” Dad snarled, turning his attention to Billy. “The old stuff works just fine.”

“The old stuff is just that—old.”

That was another nice thing about Billy. He didn’t get bogged down in emotions like disappointment or failure. He worked best with anger. And there was no mistaking the situation—Billy was borderline violent.

“We can’t afford that kind of equipment! I ain’t paying for it!”

“We could afford it if you’d let Ben do his job and manage the company’s funds.”

It was nice of Billy to come to his defense, but Ben could take care of himself. There was still a chance he could talk his way out of this without getting his order canceled. He had to keep calm. “We’re going to get a big tax write-off for donating this old stuff. We’re going to get some good press—something I thought you’d understand,” he said with a jerk of his chin toward Bobby. “And equipment that actually works would help production. We wouldn’t lose time to recalibrating the tools.”

“Or is that too much for you to get?” Billy added.

“You watch your tone.” The old man’s voice was low—too low. Too dangerous. A brawl was imminent.

“My tone?” Billy spat on the ground. “Let me tell you something. I’ve had it with you, old man. With both of you.” Billy cracked his knuckles, just like Dad did. Like they all did. “All you do,” he yelled, jabbing a finger toward Bobby, “is spend money you’ve done nothing to earn.” Billy started in on Dad again, and Ben thought he saw the old man shrink back, just a little. “And you? You break things. You cuss at my guys. You bitch and moan like a little girl about how things used to be. You scare the customers. When are you going to get it through your dented skull that this isn’t your business anymore? It’s mine—mine and Ben’s. We work here. You two are only here out of the kindness of our hearts.”

“The kindness of your hearts?” The man seemed to puff up two sizes. “I built this business from the ground up. We are a family. This is a family business. You don’t like how I do business?” He looked at Ben without attempting to hide his disappointment. “Well, you can just pack your things and go. And if you aren’t a part of the business, then you aren’t part of the family.”

And there it was. The ultimatum. Maybe it had been years in the making, but it still hurt more than the last time he’d crashed his bike. Ben could either toe the family line, or he could go on his merry little way. He didn’t need Crazy Horse—he had more than enough in savings to retire, and if he wanted to work, he’d have no problem finding another job. If the brawl was bad enough, Billy might walk anyway, and he and Ben could start a new business. Their own business, run it the way they wanted.

But if he wasn’t a part of this business, he wasn’t a part of the family.

He’d spent too many years doing everything in his power to keep the family together. If he quit, he’d be walking away from more than just a job. He’d be walking away from his life. He wanted to think that his mother would have understood that he’d tried his best—more than anyone else, she’d understood him.

More than anyone else until Josey came along, that was.

He could quit. Sometimes, a man had to cut his losses and walk away. He’d still have Josey. They could make a new family, a new life together. She could make him happy—happier than his father ever could.

Josey would understand about the equipment, he thought. Family was family, after all. She’d worked so hard to provide for her family, her tribe—that was one of the things he admired about her. She’d made a promise to her grandfather, and she’d kept it. He would not break his promises to her just to keep Dad and Billy from brawling. He would not be the kind of man to turn his back on her for such an everyday event.

What had she given up for him? He couldn’t forget how all those kids hadn’t looked at him that first day at the school—how he was practically invisible. He hadn’t missed how people cut a wider berth around her mother at the powwow. He knew, deep down, that she had taken a risk being with him. She’d found a way to honor her promises and be with him.

Ben’s family had always been the most important thing to him. Until he’d met Josey.

He wouldn’t turn his back on her, on the sacrifices she’d made for him, especially not for a sixteen-year-old promise he’d never been able to keep. His mother wouldn’t have wanted him to push away the one woman who made him happy.

No. Josey had put her reputation on the line for him. He owed her the same. That’s what people did when they loved each other.

Josey walked in two worlds—she’d said so herself. Suddenly, Ben didn’t so much understand what that meant as he felt it, deep in his heart. She might have been talking about the white and Lakota worlds, but that’s what he needed to do, too—walk with his family and with her.

So this was him, looking for a new path to walk. There was more than one way to get that equipment, after all. It might take a little longer—he’d have to move a lot of his own money out of investments, but… He made a snap decision and held up his hands.

Amazingly, it worked. Everyone stopped yelling. All three of them turned to look at him. For a guy who rarely seemed to have the right answer, Ben was aware that they all expected him to fix this. Even Dad.

“Let me see if I’ve got everything straight.”

The way the three other Boltons nodded—all heads moving at exactly the same tempo, at exactly the same angle—told Ben he had their undivided attention. Finally, he thought, after all these years. They were going to listen to him.

“Bobby wants to put us in a reality show. Billy wants expensive new equipment. I want to donate the old stuff to a school for a tax deduction. Dad, you don’t want to pay for any of it.”

“Damn straight I’m not going to pay for stuff we don’t need,” Dad grumbled.

Ben took a deep breath. He’d dreamed of this, but it hadn’t gone this way in his head. “And if we’re not in the business, we’re not in the family.”

“Damn straight,” Dad muttered again, but this time, Ben saw the fear in his eyes.

I’m sorry, Mom. I tried, but I can’t fix them. I can only fix myself.

“Then I quit. Effective immediately.”

“You can’t quit!” The way the three of them shouted it in unison made it ricochet around his head.

“I can, and I am. I met someone who showed me that there’s more to life than keeping this business in the black,” he said, pointing that particular remark at Dad. “I know who I am and what I want—and it’s sure as hell not this daily war. For God’s sake, do you know how hard I worked to keep my promise to Mom, to keep the family together? And for what? So Bobby can sell us to the highest bidder? So Dad and Billy can keep on killing each other over—what? Motorcycles? No. I can’t do it, and I’m not going to die trying. Mom would’ve wanted me to find a nice girl and settle down, and that’s what I’m going to do. Without any of you.”

He had a moment of lightness, of peace. He could almost pretend Mom was looking down on him from heaven, saying, “You did your best, sweetie. Now go get your girl.”

But then he heard a noise from the front of the shop—the sound of the door shutting. He turned just in time to see what looked like Josey’s figure running out through the door.

“Josey!” he shouted as he ran after her.

He was pretty sure that, despite his best efforts, Dad and Billy were now trading punches in addition to insults, but he officially stopped caring. All that mattered was Josey. He had to get her.

But she was too fast for him. By the time he burst out of the front doors of Crazy Horse Choppers, she was in her car. He caught a glimpse of her face, saw the sobs that tore through her body. Their eyes met through the windshield. “Wait,” he said.

Maybe she heard him, maybe not. If she did, she wasn’t in any mood to listen. She slammed her car into Reverse, squealed the tires as she cut the wheel and was gone in a cloud of dust.

What the hell had just happened? Ben stood there in dumb shock, trying to figure out how much she’d heard and where he’d gone wrong. The equipment order had been canceled, webisodes, he’d quit and then he’d picked her over his family. Whatever had her freaking out, he had to find her. He wasn’t about to decide he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her just to watch her run out the door.

He was going to fight for her, by God.

Where would she go? Frantically, he tried to think. The ridge. He’d check her apartment first, but he was willing to bet she’d gone to the ridge in the middle of nowhere. Now he just had to remember how to find it.

He was so focused on getting to Josey that he didn’t hear Bobby come up behind him until the little jerk grabbed his arm. “Ben—what the hell? Are you gonna tell me—”

Ben snapped. He threw everything he had into the swing. A bone in his hand snapped, but the sparking pain was worth it. With a muffled whump, Bobby spun and went down like a sack of rotten potatoes.

“You traitor,” he spat out at Bobby’s motionless form. “You’re nothing like our mother.”

Then he was on his bike, riding as fast as he could, hoping he hadn’t lost the way.

*

Josey heard the rumble of the bike from some far away place. She ignored it. Instead, she focused harder and harder on the land that lay before her. Her eyes searched the familiar contours—the small hill off to the left, the line of cottonwood trees that crowded around the skinny stream in the middle and the withered and brown grass that never ended under the bleak late-fall sky.

Didn’t matter how hard she looked. She didn’t see anything.

“Josey?” This distant shout was accompanied by the sound of something large crashing through the underbrush. “Are you up there?”

No. She was nowhere, because that was where she belonged.

This was where Grandma had always come after she’d spent too long in the white world. This was the place to get right with the spirits. But the spirits didn’t seem to be interested in getting right with her.

Ben had just disowned his family for her. He was willing to give up his heritage, his life—everything he’d worked for, everything he’d built—for her.

He’d told his family he wanted to settle down with her. She should have been thrilled, honored—excited. But the only thing she felt was dread. He was going to give up everything for her.

She couldn’t do the same for him.

She loved him, of that she had no doubt. For the first time in her life, a man—a relationship—made her happy. When they were together in his apartment, she almost felt like what the rest of the world thought didn’t matter anymore.

Almost.

She couldn’t hide in his warehouse mansion for the rest of her life. She wouldn’t be his kept woman, wife or not. She couldn’t give up her place in the tribe, not even for the man she loved. She’d fought for too long to earn the grudging acceptance of her people. And unlike Ben, she couldn’t turn away from the ties of blood. She had tried to walk in his world once, and she’d failed spectacularly. She couldn’t turn her back on her tribe a second time.

But even so, she had the sinking feeling that, long after the affair with Ben Bolton had faded, people would still look at her funny. She was the same nowhere girl she’d always been. She didn’t fit in the white world. Not with a white man, anyway. And despite her best efforts in the past two years, she didn’t have a place in the Lakota world, either. Or she wouldn’t, after she explained to everyone that Ben was no longer the savior of their little school.

She knew how people around here would take it—as a betrayal. Hers. She’d tried to straddle the line, walk in both worlds, but it hadn’t happened. Instead of fitting in, she’d just made extra-sure that she didn’t fit anywhere.

She’d thought that by coming back to Grandma’s place, she’d find herself. She’d always found herself here before.

But not this time.

The spirits weren’t interested in whether or not she was right with them. And it was all her fault. She was the one who’d forgotten who she was. Try as she might, she couldn’t remember who that person used to be.

“Josey?”

He was getting closer. Damn that man and his attention to detail. Of course he’d remember this place and how to get to it. She should have just driven east until she ran out of gas. Then he wouldn’t have been able to find her. No one would have, not even the ghosts.

He was panting. He must have run up the draw. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him, so she shut her eyes and hid her face against her knees.

“Josey, let me explain.”

She didn’t want to hear his explanations. It hurt to have to listen to him. How had she been so foolish as to think that falling in love with him, of all people, would be enough? It wasn’t. She’d wanted more. Too darn bad she hadn’t figured out what “more” actually meant. Too bad for both of them.

He should have known better than to fall in love with a woman who didn’t exist.

He started talking in a hurried, pinched voice. “I know I promised you that equipment, and I’m sorry that the order got canceled. You know I’d never break my promise to you, Josey. I can’t get that equipment right now. But I’ll figure out a way…”

She didn’t care about the equipment. She’d accomplished her main goal. The school had drills and scroll saws and God only knew what else. Don could teach shop. Kids like Jared and Seth and Livvy could learn how to work with their hands and build job skills. She supposed she should feel good about that. But nothing was working like it was supposed to right now. That’s how wrong everything was. She’d done what she set out to do. But she hadn’t. The school was ready, but she hadn’t found her place yet. The disappointment left her hollow.

She heard him move, and then his voice came from in front of her. He sounded like he was crouching down. “I broke my hand on Bobby’s face for telling Dad and canceling the order. I’d do it again, too. In a second.”

Against her will, her eyelids opened enough that she could see the red, swollen hand he held out to her. The whole thing was twice the size it normally was. It looked like it hurt.

“Josey, listen to me, please. I want to make this right. I—I can’t keep the family together. Not like my mom wanted me to.” He sounded so sad she felt her heart breaking in a new, different way. “But I’d rather lose them than you,” he went on. “I quit. I’ll get a different job, someplace normal, somewhere where my family can’t get to me. I’ll move some money around, get the things for the shop. I’ll do anything to make it up to you, just…” He took a deep breath, and his hands—one broken, one not—rested on her knees. “Just look at me. Please.”

A man should not sound so serious, so shaky, Josey decided. It made something weak inside her want to tell him not to worry, to make him feel better. But she wasn’t going to. She hadn’t misheard him. He would walk away from his family for her. He knew who he was. He didn’t need a family or a group of people to accept or reject him.

Not like she did.

“Don’t do this to me, Josey. To us. I’m not some outsider. It’s me, Ben.” The shakiness was gone from his voice. He was getting mad at her. Good. That would make the end easier. “I love you, okay? I love you, and you’re just going to let that die because of my screwed-up family?”

He loved her? The way he’d said it—okay?—made it sound like he was negotiating a business deal. He was making a concession against his better judgment. He did not give his love freely, he expected something in return. He expected her to stay.

No. She didn’t belong with Ben because she couldn’t give up her family for him.

Then, for the first time, it occurred to her that maybe she didn’t belong here on the rez, either.

Maybe the problem wasn’t the man or the tribe.

Maybe the problem lay with her.

As this thought took root, Josey realized it was the unvarnished truth.

Of course—why hadn’t she seen it before? She was the problem, thinking that she could define herself by her relationship with the tribe or with Ben. No wonder she didn’t know who she was. She’d been too busy trying to be everything to everyone else.

Ben moved, and she hurried to shut her eyes. She knew one look into those baby blues might crack the dam of her resolve, and one crack could be fatal.

She felt the tender touch of his lips against her forehead, then he whispered, “I know where you belong, Josey. I know who you are. I’ll wait for you until you remember.”

Then he was gone, stumbling back through the underbrush. Soon enough, the rumble of his motorcycle shook the air, and then there was silence.

Until she remembered who she was?

Who did he think she was?