“Maddie, we are to accompany Sarai to church this afternoon. Would you like to join us?”
I lifted my head and glanced across to Sarai. Her young face wore a hopeful expression as she looked to me. “Mae and Lilah have told me of your church. That it is pure and does not share the same beliefs as The Order on women and our duties. I should very much like to see such a place. Right now I cannot comprehend it to be real.”
My stomach tightened seeing such disbelief on her face and, sitting forward, I said, “I would love to come with you. Pastor James is a lovely woman. She will show you what we have found of faith outside of the commune.”
Sarai’s blinding smile could have lit a dark room. “Thank you,” she said with tears in her eyes. She then got to her feet, drawing all attention. “I shall go and rest if we are to leave this afternoon.”
“Okay,” I replied and watched as Sarai walked off into the cabin.
Seconds passed as Sarai left us alone, then I suddenly blurted, “What does it feel like?”
I kept my focus on my busy hands in my lap, feeling my face heat with embarrassment, when Mae asked, “What, sister?”
Lifting my hand to my lips, I ran the fingertip along the plump flesh. Flickering my eyes to Mae, I asked, “To join lips. To kiss.”
Mae’s eyes flared widely then darted to Lilah. I heard Lilah getting up from her seat and she moved to sit down on the warm grass at my feet. Her hand pressed to my knee and her blue eyes were filled with questions.
“It is like nothing else,” Mae said, prompting me to watch her face. A secret smile had ghosted upon her lips and her breathing quickened. “It is one of my most favorite things to do in life.”
“And you, Lilah?” I asked shyly.
“Everything,” she admitted with a subtle rasp in her voice. “Because I never dreamed that I would ever have a man that loves me for me. But Ky does. He loves me more than I think I deserve.” Lilah’s hand lifted to run down her scar. “Even when I hurt myself, when I cut my hair, he still wanted me. And when he kisses me, it is my confirmation that I won his heart. That he is mine. For life.”
Lilah’s hand squeezed my knee, and with a cautious expression, she asked, “Why did you ask, sister? Is this something that you have been thinking of… of trying with Flame?”
I lowered my head, just simply trying to breathe, and confessed, “I fear it is something I shall never be able to do.” I composed myself and added, “I find myself dreaming of kissing Flame. I dream of him touching my face and bringing me to his lips. And in my dreams I have no fear. I do not fear his touch. And I do not fear that I have never been kissed before. Because Flame keeps me safe. There is no fear to be had in his presence.” I brought in a long breath, and felt my heart crack. “But the reality is that I fear his touch, though it is newly craved by a part of me I felt had died. I am afraid of what feeling another man’s hand on my bare skin would evoke. Of the memories I have tried so very hard to move past.” I looked first to Lilah, then to Mae and held her gaze. “What if Flame’s touch suddenly became Moses' in my mind. And what if I became trapped there again? Unable to speak through crippling fear? Would a simple kiss be worth it then?”
My vision became focused on Lilah’s pretty face and I huffed a humorless to myself. “Flame, I fear, has been hurt more by a person’s touch than even I. I do not think he will ever be able to lay his hand over mine, let alone kiss me.”
Mae sighed, and brushing a piece of hair from my face, said, “You deserve to be loved, Maddie. And I know I did not suffer as brutally as you did, nor did Lilah or Bella, but Lilah and I have found men who enabled us to move on. To find life-long happiness.”
My lips trembled. “I do not think Flame would ever be able to be that way with me.”