Needing to find purchase, to ground me in this moment, my hands wrapped around Flame’s neck. A pained groan tore from his throat. Then we stilled as he lay inside of me.
I waited for him to move again, I waited to follow his lead, but when I looked up, his face appeared torn with agony. His breathing was out of control and sweat had beaded on his forehead. My hand lifted to sweep across his brow, and he gasped for breath. His taut arms trembled, and haunted dark eyes grew to the size of saucers.
“Flame?” I asked, the last of my nerves fraying, seeing the man I had fallen so deeply for coming undone.
My hand stayed on his face and I focused his attention to me. “Flame? What is it?”
His eyes closed and his lips paled. His breath stalled, then on a sharp gasp they opened and he whispered, “I don’t think I can do this.”
My heart sank at the gutting tone of his confession. “Why? Tell me what is wrong?” I gently pushed.
Flame’s focus fell to his arms, and he said, “I need pain. To come… I need pain.” He blinked, then blinked again. “I only know how to come through pain.” He sucked in a breath. “Not like this. Never done this before.” Flame’s attention fell back to me. “I want to, Maddie. I fucking want this, so bad. I need this… but I need pain. I’m fucked up and I need pain to go through with this.”
Flame lifted his hand and took hold of mine. He moved them slowly to his arm still at my side. Taking my fingers, he pressed my fingernails into the flesh on his forearm, and dragged my nails down his skin.
Flame hissed and I felt his length swell within me as my nails marked his skin. Color burst on his cheeks, and with his eyes still closed, he released my hand and demanded harshly, “Again. Do it again.”
With a timid hand, I moved my fingers to the top of Flame’s arm and dragged my fingers down to his wrist in a slow, hard motion. Flame’s hips bucked harshly inside of me, an aggressive cry leaving his lips.
I tensed in fear. I froze on the mattress, my hands dropping to my sides. I tried to breathe, but it seemed out of my reach.
Flame’s eyes opened, just as a tear trickled down the side of my face. He watched the droplet fall into my hair and he reared back his chest.
“Maddie?” he rasped. “You’re crying.”
I glanced to the scratches I had made on his arms, the skin red and raised, and I felt sick. I shook my head on the pillow. “I cannot Flame,” I said barely making a sound. “I cannot have pain involved in this act. Not between us.” I cast Moses’ face from my head, and meeting Flame’s pained eyes said, “I want this with you. I want this with you, so badly. But I cannot. I cannot cause you pain. It is not within me… it is not how our joining should be. We need this to mean more. We need this to be just us, not about our pasts.” I swallowed back the emotion threatening to take hold.
The hard muscles on Flame’s chest tensed and flinched then, devastated, he said, “I can’t fucking do it without the pain. I’m fucked up and need the pain.” His expression fell, and with large lost eyes, he whispered, “Maddie… how do we do this? I want it so fucking bad… but I don’t think… FUCK!” Flame’s teeth gritted and his hands fisted the linen sheets.
Inhaling deep, I lifted my hands to lie on his dark bearded cheeks. Flame sighed as in defeat, his broad shoulders sagging. His eyes would not meet mine, his eyes were forever on mine, and his avoidance shattered my heart.
“Flame?” I said softly. “Look at me.” Flame looked up at me through lowered long black lashes, and I said, “We have to do this. We both have to do this to move on. No fear. No demons. Just us. You and Me. Flame and his Maddie.”