With the morning sun streaming through the bedroom window as it ascended over the sea, it was hard to imagine anything in life being that bad. For a split second, with Javier’s arm wrapped around my waist, his chest rising and falling behind me, I could pretend that this was my life now: this room, him and I, the shimmering waves at our doorstep.
It was tempting, too, to ask for this to be my future. To forget about revenge, loss and lies, and just forge through, making a new path. Why couldn’t life be about us rolling in the sheets, enjoying each other’s bodies, drinking beer and eating fresh fruit, running on the sand, eating at quaint little cafés and buying fish every night from Pedro?
I knew the answer to that – it wouldn’t be enough. Oh, it would be enough for me, to just live and not lie. But Javier would always want more. That was the tragedy of our relationship. That, despite the years that passed, the passion that we shared, I would never be enough for him. He needed his revenge more than I needed mine. Perhaps when this was all over and his sisters were safe and Travis was dead, it could work. Maybe he’d give up all his power and live the simple life. Maybe he’d keep it and convince me to join forces, to embrace the bad side. I didn’t know and it was the kind of thing I could never ask for, because the two of us together were as much about deceit as we were about love. How could you ever have both of those and still call it even?
But, maybe, when you had nothing, you had to take what you could get, even if you knew it would hurt you in the end. A love that starts out under a lie is bound to kill you and sometimes you lived to tell the tale.
A tear rolled down my cheek, cold against my warmed skin. I sniffed and felt Javier’s arm around me, tightening. I wished I could say it made me feel safe. It didn’t. Because I knew what I did last night and what I had to do today. I was going into the lion’s den, under my own power, my own need for vengeance. I was going without protection. Without a safety net. Without a shield.
Alone.
“Are you crying?” I heard a groggy but concerned Javier mumble into my ear.
I swiped away the tear and rolled onto my back, willing the rest of the tears to stay inside, where they belonged. “I’m okay. Just emotional I guess.”
“Angel,” he said, holding me closer to him. “You did so well last night. Travis saw you and you played it just right. You’re going to do fine today.”
“I know,” I lied. I felt like I’d do anything but fine. Today there was a chance that I’d have to do more than see his face in a nightclub. I might have to talk to the monster, the very one I’d wanted to scar and burn all those years ago, the man whose death I used to dream about. How could I be fine?
Javier had his way of quieting my thoughts though. We had just enough time for a quick roll in the hay before we had to get up and get ready for the day. As much as I was sure that fucking him was fucking with my head, it was the only time I’d really get peace from what was going on around me. I liked to pretend that everything was going to be alright.
This was going to be the last time I’d see the fish shop for a while. Before the market, I was going to check into the hotel in Veracruz and spend the next few days alone, with only Enrico the hotel staff to relay messages, though Javier did say he would try and meet up with me at some point if the coast was clear.
I had just finished packing my bag for my role as American tourist when I heard shouting from the kitchen, Javier laying into someone.
Curious I came out and saw him spearing Raul with a most heated gaze – the kind of you never wanted to see Javier give anyone. Raul was leaning on the counter as if he didn’t give a shit, a line of coke on a colorful plate and rolled up pesos beside him.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, eyeing the drugs. Raul looked normal but wouldn’t meet my eyes. It was then that I noticed Raul’s “normal” was definitely always high, his beady, red eyes were a dead giveaway. I’m not sure why I never put two and two together – Raul was a coke addict.
Javier reached over and violently tipped up Raul’s chin. “This motherfucker is doing shit right in the open now, where anyone can see it. No respect.”
Raul ripped his face away from him and crossed his arms. “It’s just us here, Javi. You never used to care.”
“I always cared!” Javier roared. “You don’t do this anymore, you got it?”
“Oh, not around her, is that what you’re saying?”
“I’m saying you’re done.”
I frowned, wondering if there was some drug lord mantra like you could never get high on your own supply. I was pretty sure there wasn’t considering cartels didn’t exactly have a code of ethics. Then again, Javier wasn’t like everyone else. He had his own moral code, as warped and twisted as it was.