The next few days crawled by, time going slower out on the Gulf of Mexico. We saw very few boats, I suppose because it was still considered hurricane season. And yet, the weather was absolutely beautiful, clear skies that mimicked the expanse of water, stretching forever and ever. We were sailing through nothingness. This was the place you’d come when you wanted to feel each and every minute pass through your skin.
I became more comfortable on the ship yet at the same time, my nerves were frying in my chest like eggs in a pan. I didn’t know what was expected of me when we finally got to Mexico and I was too afraid to talk to Javier about it. Was it as I thought? Was I bait or was Raul right and I was the executioner?
Those words of his echoed in my mind, that I was no good at heart, that I was born to be bad. It was almost cheesy and laughable the way he said it, but there was no mistaking his conviction. I knew deep down that I spared Camden because it was the right thing to do, because I wanted to make up for every bad thing I had ever done to him, for everything in my life. I knew that was the reason I went with Javier. But Javier believed otherwise and I knew he wasn’t going to stop until his point was proven. He held the shackles to my past and was threatening me with them.
On our last evening out at sea, we spotted land. Actually, I spotted it. I was at the front of the boat, sitting on a beach towel I’d spread out on the deck. Massive Attack’s “Angel” was playing from a set of iPod speakers I’d brought out from one of the lounges, the bass building up to that first glimpse of hazy landmass, just appearing on the smooth curve of the horizon. It was so jarring, so strangely terrifying and different.
“Land-ho!” I yelled, then laughed despite myself. I’d always wanted to say that.
I could hear some commotion on the back of the ship, maybe the crew or Raul taking it in. It was funny how something as normal such as land could be thrilling but out at sea, in this dream state of deepwater blue and flying fish, it meant something for us all.
I hugged my knees to my chest, unable to take my eyes away from the land as it came closer and closer. Suddenly there was a shadow over me and the air burned. Javier sat down on the deck beside me, matching my pose. He was all in cream today.
“It’s strange, isn’t it?” he asked, his eyes fastened on the horizon along with mine.
“Yeah. Hypnotic.”
“It doesn’t belong.”
“You think?”
“We’re free out here. Don’t you feel that?”
I gave him a quick, curious glance. “You sound like a true sailor.”
He nodded subtly. “It’s why men everywhere head for the sea, all these years. Here, you can be you. And that is it.”
“Who are you out here?”
He squinted. “I don’t know. But I think I’m happier.”
I rubbed my lips together, spreading the last remnants of lip balm. “Then why are we going there? Why don’t we sail forever?”
He turned his head to me sharply, brows raised. “You would like that? To be sailing with me?”
That wasn’t exactly what I had said. “I’d be happier if we turned the boat around and went back the way we came.”
He looked disappointed at the answer and brought his attention to the horizon again. “Is that so?”
Now was as good a time as any to bite the bullet. Even though the boat was turning slightly to run parallel to the coast, the land was still in sight, within reach, just beyond the haze.
“Javier,” I began slowly, “do you want me to kill Travis? Do you want me to pull the trigger?”
He sucked in a breath through his teeth and tapped his fingers against his leg a few times. “Ellie, I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“Yes you do. I don’t want to do any of this. I want to go home.”
“But you don’t have a home. You don’t have a family. You have nothing. You don’t even have Camden.”
I tried not to wince. “I don’t need any of those things.” That was a lie of course, because I did need Camden. I needed him to be good. But the further we sailed, the more I knew I couldn’t have him. The more he’d be enveloped by his own past, just as I was slowly getting sucked into mine.
“You need to let it go.” He placed his hand on the deck and leaned on it, his watch gleaming enough for me to look away. “Let go of what you thought was going to happen. Things changed. You chose this path and this is the one you are on. We’ll be anchoring off a beach north of Los Tuxtlas. We’ll take a car to a place near Veracruz. You will find Travis and you will … get to know him. This is where your path is going, Ellie, and this is the only way now.”
I swallowed hard. “And what then? I get to know him, which I still think is ridiculous since he’ll know who I am.”
“I told you, he won’t.”
“He will.”
“Do you think I’d set you up to fail?” he asked so sharply that I had to look at him. The sun had browned his face even more over the last few days and by contrast his eyes seemed lighter than ever. I wished he was wearing sunglasses.
“I don’t know what I think,” I finally responded.
“You will get to know him. You will lead him to me. I will kill him.”
“And not me?”
“Only if you wanted to. Only if you think you’re strong enough.”