“And I know we’re not as close as you and Hil, and I can’t replace her or anything, but I’m here for you.”
That’s when the real sobs came. Mine first, then Lauren’s. Until I looked at the clock. “We need to be back at school in thirty minutes.”
“Then we need some deep breaths and some serious cover-up if we don’t want to show up looking like we spent the afternoon watching The Notebook.”
I laughed.
“You know, that’s exactly what we’ll tell Hil if she says anything about puffy eyes. Then she’ll be too disgusted by our sappiness to give it a second thought.”
“I’m glad I told you, Laur. Thanks.”
She handed me a tissue and squeezed my hand. “You’re welcome, but no more sappy. We’re done with sappy for today. Now it’s dance music and get ready for the game time.”
“Deal,” I answered, sticking my iPod on its speakers and dialing up the volume.
Chapter 25
That night I cheered with enthusiasm, fueled by the fact I’d be missing at least a week of practices for chemo and because I needed to prove I belonged. I loved this. In all my efforts to hide my cancer, I’d forgotten. I loved this: the camaraderie of the squad, the energy of the players, the excitement of the crowd, the thrill of feeding off that buzz.
When the game went into overtime and Hil grumbled about the party, I just rustled my purple-and-gold poms and began an impromptu cheer, encouraging the crowd to join my chant: “Let’s go, East Lake!”
My cheer high floated me through the game and through Hil’s postgame snark: “I can’t believe you’re blowing us off for Ryan. I don’t want you devastated if you sleep with him and he dumps you.”
“It’s not like that, Hil.”
“How do you know?” she demanded. “He’s going to break your heart.”
“He’s not Keith, okay? He’s Ryan. Thanks for worrying about me, but it’ll be fine.”
I gave her a hug; she returned it before adding, “But if he does, don’t go the chocolate route or you’ll look like crap at the Fall Ball.”
I peeled the purple star stickers from the corners of my eyes and shoved my poms in my locker. Calling “Have fun tonight” back over my shoulder before heading to where Ryan waited by the gym door.
“Hey, you.”
“Hi,” I answered, feeling shy and nervous.
It was chilly now that I wasn’t flitting around under the stadium lights, but Ryan responded before I had time to shiver. He stepped behind me, rubbing my arms. “Longest. Game. Ever.” He took my hand and towed me to his car.
I felt twelve again, flush with the excitement of liking and being liked. Except when I was twelve, I hadn’t felt quite this way about the still-hadn’t-mastered-deodorant boys in my class.
He started the ignition before he shut his door. “You’re freezing.”
“I’m better already.” I slipped cool hands beneath his shirt: warming them, kissing him.
He turned the heat on high and I leaned in again. Now that the car had heat, I was in no rush to leave our out-of-the-way space in the school parking lot.
“Oh, hang on a sec.” Ryan reached into the backseat and grabbed a bottle of Listerine.
“Your breath is fine.” I laughed.
“No, look, it kills germs—see?” He spun the label facing me. “I thought it might help. I know you can’t be around germs.”
It was a struggle not to laugh. Or cry. I’d forgotten I was sick—he hadn’t.
He opened his door and spit the mouthwash on the cement. “Are you hungry? We missed our reservation.”
Ryan’s eyes were on my lips and I’d barely managed “not really,” before his were on mine.
“Me either,” he added as he kissed down my jawline.
I shivered and he froze. Pulled back and looked worried. “You’re cold. I’m an idiot.”
“What? No. That’s not why—” I hadn’t been cold, but now, with him looking at me like I might fall to pieces, reaching out to pull my shirt down so it covered instead of uncovered, I felt icy.
“You’re headed to the hospital tomorrow, I should take you home.” The look on his face was everything but desire.
I sighed. “I guess.”
“Can I come visit? Are there rules?”
“Visiting hours are eight to eight. You don’t have to come.” I wrinkled my nose, trying to imagine healthy, handsome Ryan on a ward with sick kids.
“I’ll be there.”
“I told Lauren today.” I figured I’d practice confessing to him before I told my mother.
“Lauren? Really?”
“Why are you laughing?” I asked.
“I don’t know, I guess I always saw her as your fourth Musketeer—a spare in case one of you moved away or got fat or something.”
“Cute.”
“Don’t get pissed. I know she’s your friend and all, I just thought you’d start with Hil.” He shrugged. “Now I’ll have someone to drive with to Lakeside. How long will you be there?”
He asked me questions for the rest of the drive, and when he pulled into my driveway, I wasn’t ready for The End.
“Want to come in?” My parents’ light was on, so I told him to help himself to whatever in the fridge and went upstairs to say good night.