It would be so easy to fall into something with Theo. I liked being with someone. I know that wasn’t very feminist friendly. Riley would have smacked me across the face right before she took my girl card away and shredded it.
But it was the truth. I couldn’t remember a time in my life when I hadn’t been involved in some way with a guy. Sure, my relationship with Cole was questionable at best, but he was still someone I had devoted spending time with. He provided regular sex and even conversation when it suited him.
I enjoyed feeling wanted and desired. I liked knowing I had someone I could call when I was feeling lonely. I liked knowing that there was someone out there who wanted to spend time with me. For whatever the reason.
I was social and I enjoyed attention. And I knew, subconsciously, that perhaps that said quite a bit about the state of my self-esteem. Though I knew I was pretty. I liked my body and I thought that I was intelligent. I had friends and family that loved me. But there was still something inside me that craved what a relationship could give me.
I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be cared for. I wanted my fairy tale happily ever after. I blamed Titanic and every 80’s power ballad ever released. Though how I had allowed myself to think Cole could offer me anything I was looking for was beyond me. Call it two-year insanity.
I was by no means some depressing ingénue who cried over the state of her love life and wrote bad poetry. I wasn’t deep. I didn’t think about world hunger or how to end the conflict in the Gaza strip. I liked to watch bad reality television and I was unashamed to admit that I enjoyed pop music beyond acceptable levels.
I was a drama queen. I was a bitch if you crossed me. If I didn’t like you, I wasn’t one to hide it. You’d know it. And I was addicted to infatuation. The anticipation I felt when I knew I was going to see the guy I wanted.
So there.
However, call it a growing maturity or maybe a lingering lack of closure where Cole was concerned, but I didn’t jump at the chance to let this beautiful, strapping male buy me dinner.
I could flirt with him, let him adore me with his eyes, but I wasn’t ready to make it more than that.
Not right now.
But this girl wasn’t dead yet. And I knew the day would come when I was ready to climb back on that horse and give it a ride again.
And perhaps Theo could be the horse.
Except he wasn’t a horse and the thought of riding him like one made me flush to the roots of my hair.
I cleared my throat and banished all thoughts of Theo riding out of my mind. I was determined to not let my need for attention, or my fear of being alone to dictate things. I would do things right.
For once.
So I didn’t comment with the tried and true Vivian Baily response meant to elicit another invitation.
Instead I gave Theo my best professional smile. Genuine if a little cool and shook my head.
“Honestly, we don’t have to talk about that.” I opened my drawer and pulled out the plans for the gala and handed them to him. “Since you’re here, why don’t we discuss the final ideas for the fundraiser so I can start getting orders put through.”
And just like that I became grown-up Vivian.
And I think I liked her.
My phone had remained quiet for the rest of the day. After Theo and I hammered out the final details for the gala, I had taken an early lunch. Gracie and I had made plans to meet at Barton’s.
Pulling into the parking lot, it felt strange to be here for anything other than drinking like a fish or watching the guys play a show. I wasn’t sure I had ever even bothered to eat the food.
I walked inside and was hit with a wave of grease and stale beer. It was pretty busy with the normal mix of businessmen on lunch break and college kids getting an early start on drunk-thirty.
Gracie was sat at the bar talking to Dina, who had been the main bartender for as long as I had been coming to Barton’s.