“It’s honey,” I admitted, watching her flail about, thick stringy globs rolling down her face and smearing the pillow.
“Honey? Are you kidding me?” Vivian yelled. And I didn’t blame her. The whole thing was seriously stupid.
But it had seemed like such a great idea at the time.
“It’s supposed to be an aphrodisiac,” I muttered, trying to help her again. I grabbed the end of the blanket and started wiping her face. Her eyelids appeared to be fused together.
“If you eat it dumbass! Not wear it! What the hell were you thinking? You put this shit on. My. Face!” Vivian rolled off the bed and landed with a thud on the ground. She got unsteadily to her feet and started waving her hands in front of her, shuffling about hesitantly.
“Watch out for the. . .” I began just as she rammed her knees into the bedside table.
Vivian snarled at me.
“Do you want any help?” I asked, making sure to stay out of kicking range.
“No! You’ve done enough for one night!” she huffed, walking into a coat rack and knocking it to the floor.
“Are you sure?” I called out, knowing I should probably help her anyway. But she looked like some sort of sludge monster. And her snarling and growling was freaking me out. I figured if I had any sort of attachment to my appendages, I should stay the hell out of her way.
My poor dick had deflated anti-climatically. I nudged it through my boxers, where it flopped pathetically.
So much for my night of *-filled fun. It seemed the gods were against me. I had become the king of masturbation during the last few weeks, forgoing any and all female attention that wasn’t Vivian-scary-honey-monster-Baily.
And when I finally had the only woman my poor, neglected penis seemed to want in my arms, I fucked it up by literally blinding her with condiments.
I licked the stickiness from my fingers and wondered what the likelihood would be for me getting some action if I went into the bathroom with her.
“You fucking asshole!” Vivian hollered from behind the closed door.
Hmm, I’m thinking slim to none.
I pulled the ruined sheets off the bed and called housekeeping to have them bring up some more.
I tugged on my jeans and sat down on the couch, putting my feet up on the small coffee table. Housekeeping showed a few minutes later and remade the bed. I gave the young, Hispanic girl my sexiest grin and she was too flustered to take note of the strange, sticky substance covering the sheets.
I could hear the shower going and I started to get impatient. After housekeeping had left, I pulled on the elastic waistband of my boxers and looked down at my dismally limp cock.
“Sorry, buddy,” I intoned sadly.
I had officially given up on any plans for a night of no-holds-barred monkey lovin’ and decided to make do with some porn. Because Deep Inside Misty Rain never let me down.
I was mid-wank when a pillow bounced off the side of my head, ruining my flow.
“I’m in danger of losing my eyesight and all you can do is rub one out? Are you kidding me?” Vivian stood over me wrapped in a robe, her hair wet and tangled around her shoulders, her face scrubbed red. And her eyes were open. Frighteningly so.
“What else was I supposed to do?” I shrugged and turned my attention back to good ole Misty.
Vivian threw another pillow and this time I had to accept defeat. I tucked my junk away and promised the poor fellow extra care and attention some other time.
“I’m glad you take me so seriously,” she fumed and I knew some careful maneuvering was going to be required here.
Or I could just rile her up even more.
“It was fucking funny, Viv. Stop throwing such a bitch fit about it,” I said, getting to my feet and grabbing a T-shirt off the floor and pulled it down over my head.