“You don’t sound too happy about that. Is the rock and roll lifestyle losing its luster,” she teased. Shit, if she only knew.
I wanted to tell her about my conversation with Jose. I needed to get this great big pile of guilt off my chest. Ever since Jose had mentioned the possibilities for me this morning, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was obsessing.
But I couldn’t tell Vivian. Because I wasn’t ready to admit out loud how much I wanted to take Jose up on his offer. That would be to admit how much of a traitorous ass I really was.
I played the part of dickhead really well. I fucked chicks; I started fights. I spoke out of my ass and pretended not to give a shit about consequences.
But it was just that. . .pretending.
I had learned a long time ago that being a jerk was easier than being someone people walked all over. That it was better to hurt someone before they had the chance to hurt me.
It was fucked up. It was wrong. I knew this. But I didn’t do heartache and pain very well. I was big * about it actually.
And the thought of screwing over the three people closest to me, while repulsive, was also entirely too appealing.
And if I verbalized it, the asshole thing wouldn’t be an act anymore.
It would be who I was. I would feel it deep in my bones.
It would be all I knew.
“It’s just overwhelming sometimes,” I said, feeling safe to admit that small truth.
Vivian’s sigh filled my ears and made me feel better than I had all day.
“I’m sure. I can’t even imagine. But you’ll be fine. You’re Cole Brandt. This is what you do. You’ll get up on that stage tonight and you’ll become everyone’s fantasy and you’ll love it.”
“Am I your fantasy?” I chuckled, hoping to god she said yes.
Vivian’s soft laughter was like a kick to the gut. I seriously loved her laugh.
“Some days,” she muttered.
“Only some days? What about today?” I asked, grinning from ear to ear. I don’t think I had ever smiled this wide in my entire life.
“I don’t know. There’s still time for you to piss me off.”
Then we were both laughing and life felt good again.
“The guys will be playing in Raleigh next week. You wanna drive down with me and stay over?” Gracie asked, getting into the refrigerator and taking out a bottle of tomato juice. I cringed as she poured herself a cup and drank it.
“How can you drink that stuff?” I gagged, handing her a piece of toast. Gracie shrugged and took a bite of bread, crumbs falling to the floor.
“So, what do you think? Will you come with me?” she asked, following me into the living room. I turned on the morning news and sat down on the couch to eat my meager breakfast of toast and grapefruit before I headed into work.
“I don’t know. It really all depends on what’s going on with work,” I said lamely. And while that was true, it wasn’t my biggest reason for not wanting to trek down to North Carolina.
I also wasn’t entirely sure I was up for a weekend of crazy with Cole.
While things had been pretty nice between us lately, I knew it was only a matter of time before he screwed it all up. Or more specifically screwed someone.
We had spoken on the phone almost every night since last week and he had tried his hand at phone stalking. I hadn’t purposefully avoided his calls, but Gracie and I had gone out and gotten wasted and I had left my phone at home.
I had purposefully left it behind mostly because I somehow knew a certain buzzkill lead singer would call when I was trying my hardest to forget about him for one night.
And it had been working for a while.