She nodded happily and threw her arms around my neck.
"Thank you so much, baby. I love you more than a hooker loves free VD testing day at the clinic," she told me drunkenly.
I rubbed her back and shot dirty looks to Liz and Jenny when I saw that they’d taken over the dry-erase board with important hospital phone numbers that hung on the wall. Instead of “Order Meals” it now said “Order Hookers”, and instead of “For a Chapel Visit, ask a nurse” it now said “For a Happy Ending, ask a nurse.”
The doctor walked in then with Claire’s discharge papers and a prescription for an antibiotic. He explained everything to us and turned to leave the room.
"Doctor, wait! This patient needs an enema STAT!" Liz yelled while Jenny waved a rubber tube over her head like a lasso.
I think we could safely say that some people will already be crossed off of the guardian list.
20. Have You Seen Mike Hunt?
Oh Jesus fucking hell. Where's the monkey that kicked me in the head and shit in my mouth?
"I think I'm dying," I croaked.
Carter’s laughter shook the bed and forced a little bit of vomit up into my throat. I clamped my hand over my mouth and started breathing through my nose to make it stop.
"Please don't start the 'I'm dying' thing again. It's too early and I'm not awake enough to say anything comforting," Carter replied as he slowly rubbed circles on my back.
I started to ask him what the hell he was talking about when the pounding in my head turned into flashes of memories from the night before.
"Oh my God, I sent a picture of my boobs to Jim," I moaned as a fresh wave of nausea rolled through me.
"You also threw up in the emergency room parking lot, called Drew and told him you were the Donkey Punch Dick Queen and filled out a Last Will and Testament on a Burger King napkin and then asked the drive-thru worker to notarize it."
I am never drinking again. I am never drinking again.
"Why can't I be one of those people who black out when they drink? It would be really nice right now if I didn't have to remember these things," I muttered.
I felt the bed shift behind me and a few seconds later, Carter’s arm came around me and held a napkin in front of my face.
"Sorry, baby, even if you did black out, I still have proof of your stupidity," he said with a laugh. I grabbed the napkin from his hand and squinted at the messy writing that was all over it as he got back under the covers behind me.
"I don't wanna be def. Death. Dead. This Burger Twin nappykin just got served as my will, BEOTCH! The fries here suck, by the way. If I die, don't feed my son your shitty fries. Don't give my son to the creepy child molester king you put in your commercials either. What the fuck is wrong with that guy? He's got a normal body and a plastic face that is always smiley. It's not right, man. It's just not right. My ears feel funny."
I wondered if someone gave me a roofie last night. This was the one time in my life I hoped I got roofied, so I could blame it on something other than me being a horrible drunk.
"Wow, okay, so I've been meaning to bring up the subject of having a will drafted by a lawyer and getting a new birth certificate for Gavin that has your name on it. I probably should have done that before I drank my weight in wine," I explained.
"Well, lucky for you, I'm fluent in Claire’s Drunken Ramblings. Even though you barely knew what you were saying last night, I could tell this is important to you. It's important to me too. God forbid anything should ever happen to us, but if something does, it would make me feel better knowing Gavin is going to be okay. I mean, I know we have your dad and even though you haven’t met them yet, my parents are absolutely on board with anything that has to do with Gavin, but I agree that we should also have someone younger as a back-up plan just in case. I know you're going to be insanely busy for the next month or so once the shop opens tomorrow, and we'll have no time to really sit down and discuss this, so I thought maybe we could just sort of pop in on our friends in the next few days and see how they do when they're around Gavin. You know, sort of like a secret interview."
I really wanted to throw up right now, but I had to choke it back because Carter deserved my undivided, non-spewing attention.
"I can't believe you actually took me seriously about anything last night."
Carter slid over to my side of the bed, pressing his body up against mine as he wrapped his arms around my waist.
"I take everything you say seriously. Even when you're sexting our friends and screaming into the drive-thru window that whoever is making your burger better not spit in it," Carter said, placing a kiss to my temple.