"Calm down Long Duk Dong. You may punch like a grandma after drinking a forty-ounce, but remember Claire – you know how to take a punch. That's what's most important here right now," Liz said with a pat to my back.
I looked at her in confusion for a few seconds before I remembered what she was talking about - drunken Fight Club night last year.
"I'm sorry, but why does Claire know how to take a punch? I'm not sure I like where this is going," Carter said nervously.
"Well, last year Jim made us watch Fight Club for like, the ten-thousandth time. And while I’m all for a little shirtless Brad Pitt action, Claire and I decided to take a shot every time Edward Norton talked in third person. By about twenty minutes in, we were trashed. I don't know whose idea it was, but Claire and I started our own fight club in the living room," Liz explained.
"It was your idea, Liz. You stood up in front of me, lifted your shirt and said "Punch me in the stomach as hard as you can, fucker."
Jim started laughing as he remembered back to that night. It wasn't my finest hour. I punched even worse when I was drunk, barely even grazing Liz’s skin. She, however, could punch like a WWF wrestler on steroids.
"Oh yeah, that's right! That was one of the best ideas I’ve ever had while drunk. We punched each other back and forth until you started wheezing and yelled, "I am Claire’s internal bleeding and you need to cut this shit out!"
Carter looked back and forth between us just shaking his head in disbelief.
"Don't worry about our girl, Carter. She went a good ten rounds before she tapped out," Jim said with a laugh. “And you’ll be happy to know I got it all on video.”
“Was there Jell-O? Tell me there was Jell-O?” Drew asked excitedly.
***
My shift ended a few hours after that and I desperately needed a drink after tonight's events. I threw my apron behind the bar and everyone moved back to a large table so we could all sit together. After we sat down at the table, Carter told us what happened outside. Tasha claimed that she made a huge mistake and she wanted Carter back. He laughed in her face and told her to take her crab-infested vagina back to Toledo. He also informed her that he had always wanted me, even when he was with her and now that he found me, he was never letting me go.
Cue the applause.
I lost track of how many drinks I consumed the rest of the night. Every time I set my empty glass down it was magically refilled. I think Carter knew I was stressed about the Tasha situation and wanted me to just relax and have a good evening.
Or he wanted to get me drunk and take advantage of me.
My lady bits started jumping up and down, clapping her hands and screaming, "Yes please!"
I kept looking towards the door expecting Tasha to come charging back in. After a while though, I didn't know which door she would come through since there were at least thirty of them when I looked in that direction.
I glanced down into my glass, trying to count the ice cubes and lost track after one.
Wow, what did they put in this vodka?
Carter kept looking over at me and smiling and it took everything in me not to straddle his lap. I really wanted to make some sort of move, but I didn't know the first thing about that crap. My hand was on his thigh and I slowly moved it upwards. I stopped just a few inches below the bulge I couldn't stop staring at. I want to rub my vagina all over that shit.
Yes, I was aware that I was sitting here at a table full of people, just staring down in Carter’s lap like it was a desert oasis and I hadn't sipped water in months.
I thought about things I could whisper in his ear that might turn him on.
"We should have the sex."
Carter laughed and kissed my cheek.
"I thought that out loud didn't I?"
"Yes, you definitely thought that out loud," he said with a smile.
I turned away from him and grabbed Liz’s arm, pulling her up with me.
"Be right back," I mumbled to the table in general.
I pulled Liz over to the bar, about ten feet away from the table.
"I don't know how to sex," I complained.
"Um, what?" Liz asked.
"I mean, sexy. I don't know how to sexy."
Liz laughed.
"You mean you don't know how to be sexy?"
I just nodded. Liz got me. My best friend was the best ever. She was so pretty and nice and pretty.
"Hon, you're doing just fine. In case you hadn't noticed, Carter hasn't been able to keep his hands off of you all night. And you couldn't see it, but when you put your hand on his leg, he kept swallowing and staring off into space like he was trying not to jizz in his pants."
I was starting to panic. Which was probably the booze talking but so what? I didn't know the first thing about seducing a guy. I was going to make a total fool of myself.
"You're seriously freaked out about this?" Liz asked, all traces of humor gone from her face when she saw how worried I was.
“I feel like I’m going to puke I’m so nervous.”