She rolled her eyes at me and walked back to the kitchen with me following behind her.
"Yes, he's a riot. Come back to me after you've been out in public with him. Like, say in church. And when it gets to a really quiet part and all you can hear is the fountain in the back of the church and then Gavin's voice say really loudly "Mom! I hear Jesus taking a piss!" It's not so funny then."
I glanced at the counter behind her and my jaw dropped. Covered over every available surface were chocolate, cookies and candy – every kind imaginable.
"Am I in Willy Wonka's workshop?"
She laughed and opened up the lid of a huge pot on the stove and stirred the contents.
"Well, I decided to make you guys my guinea pigs tonight. And Jenny is going to take a few pictures of some of the items for my advertisements since I don’t have anything better than my cell phone camera."
I stared dreamily at everything. I may have a slight weakness to sweets.
"Holy hell, what are those things?” I asked pointing to a row of white chocolate clumps the size of my fist with caramel on top.
"Oh, those are something new I’m experimenting with. I melted a bowl of white chocolate, added crushed up pretzels and potato chips to it and then once the dropped spoonfuls solidified, I drizzled caramel on top. I may have gone a little overboard on the size of them. Right now they’re called Globs."
Sweet Mary in heaven. I wanted to ask this woman to have my babies.
Oh, wait…
A knock sounded on the front door and Claire asked me to answer it for her while she set the table and finished up.
Jenny and Drew were the next to arrive. I held the door open for them and shook my head at Drew while Jenny walked in and made her way into the kitchen to talk to Claire.
"Really, Drew?" I asked, looking at his shirt.
There was a picture of a little kid on it shooting a gun above his head. The shirt read "Don't hit kids. No, seriously. They have guns now."
"What? Kids nowadays are the devil. This shirt is a PSA for you, dude. You'll thank me one day. So, where is the little guy? Does he need his diaper changed or anything? Maybe I can show him my car or give him some candy," he said as he looked around me and rubbed his hands together.
"He's four Drew. He doesn't wear diapers. And you might want to dial down the creepy kidnapper vibe just a notch."
"Whatever. Take me to your demon seed," Drew said.
We walked past the kitchen and I stuck my head in and asked Claire if it was okay to head back to Gavin's room. She told me where it was and we went down the hall and found him sitting on the floor in the middle of his room, squirting a tube of toothpaste right onto the carpet.
"Whoa there, big guy. What are you doing?" I asked as I quickly made my way over to him and took the now empty bottle out of his hand.
He just shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know."
Shit. What do I do? Should I go get Claire? I don't want the kid to think I'm a traitor though. He would get mad at me for tattling on him. Wait, I was the adult. I couldn't let him walk all over me. I needed to let him know who the boss was. And right now, it wasn't Tony Danza.
"I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be putting toothpaste on your floor, are you?" I asked.
"That's a dumb question, Carter. Of course he's not supposed to put toothpaste on the floor," Drew said seriously.
I looked back over my shoulder and gave him a dirty look.
"I know that. I'm trying to get him to admit what he did was wrong," I said through clenched teeth.
"Okay there, Dr. Phil. I'm pretty sure he knows it's wrong otherwise he wouldn't have done it. Kids are dumb. They do things they aren't supposed to all the time because they can. Being an adult sucks. I could never get away with putting toothpaste on my floor now."
It was like dealing with two children.
"Why would you…you know what? Never mind," I said, turning back around to face Gavin.
"Your mom wouldn't be too happy about you making this mess. How about you show me where the towels are and we'll clean it up before she sees it."
There. He won't hate me for telling on him and I still let him know it was bad. I am an awesome parent.
Obviously Gavin was very excited to clean if it meant we didn't tell Claire what he did. I briefly wondered if she was going to find out and possibly cut my penis off or smother me in my sleep. And then I wondered if I told her, would Gavin punch me in the nuts again, or maybe go for the throat this time? I don't know whether to fear my kid or his mother.