It was starting to look like a Heimlich convention in here.
"Seriously, Liz, you have some great products for sale. I can't wait to try out the rest of the stuff I bought. What about you, Claire? Did you get some alone time yet with all the toys everyone bought you tonight?" she said with a wink and a wag of her eyebrows.
"Wait, the girls at the party bought you vibrators?" Liz questioned, suddenly forgetting about the fact that everyone was supposed to be thinking of something other than my down-there-place.
"Nope, this isn't at all uncomfortable. Thanks for asking," I said under my breath, with a roll of my eyes.
"Can we go back to what Jenny was saying? I'd like some more details about her alone time: location, mood lighting, standing up or sitting down and if she’s in need of a spotter next time. I have excellent upper body strength," Drew said with a wink as he recovered from having noodles lodged in his windpipe.
"Eeew," I muttered.
"So you really sell sex toys?" Carter said to me with a dreamy look in his eyes as he leaned in my direction with his elbows resting on the table.
I could feel my face heating up. This was not a conversation I wanted to have with him of all people. I was trying to figure out a way to tell him his love mayonnaise had mad skills and no one at this table could stop talking about vibrators.
"Technically, she doesn't sell them. She's just doing it as a favor to me," Liz chimed in, saving me from trying to explain. "We’re starting up a business together. I'm selling sex toys and she'll sell cookies and candies."
"I like sex and….caaaaandy yeeaaahhh," Drew sang, completely fucking up the words to the song.
"Oh, so in answer to your question Liz—yes!" Jenny said over top of Drew’s poor rendition of the sex and candy song. "Everyone tonight bought Claire a vibrator! How many did you end up with? Eleven?" Jenny asked. "I still can't believe you have never used one on yourself. That's just insanity right there. No orgasm comes close to the ones you can have with one of those puppies."
This was not happening right now. This was a dream wasn't it? Like one of those where you're in front of your entire high school naked and everyone is pointing at you and laughing. Except this time, I'm lying on the dining room table naked and everyone is pointing dildos at me.
"Oh my gosh, I know right?" Liz agreed, leaning forward so she could see around me. "I can have multiple orgasms in seconds with the Jack Rabbit."
Liz was a traitor. Benedict Liz. That's what I was calling her from now on. Fucking Benedict Liz.
"No offense baby," she said sheepishly to Jim.
"None take, love. As long as you get off, I'm happy," he said with a smile as he leaned over and kissed her shoulder.
"Claire, you absolutely have to go home tonight and use the Jack Rabbit. And then call me immediately after and give me a report," Jenny said excitedly.
"No, she shouldn't go with JR her first time out of the gate, that will scar her for life. She needs to ease herself into using toys. Did anyone buy you a bullet?" Liz asked casually with a glance in my direction. "A bullet is the best bet for your first time. It's small, doesn't make a lot of noise but it's powerful as shit," Liz explained. “It will take you thirty seconds, tops.”
Are these people seriously discussing how I should give myself an orgasm at the dinner table like they were discussing the directions for putting together a book shelf? Insert slot A into your vagina and twist. What the fuck is happening right now?!
"Sorry," I said to Carter. "My vagina usually isn’t dinner topic conversation."
He was the only one that heard me since everyone else at the table was…fuck! Still talking about my God damned vagina.
“Maybe she should use the blue dolphin. It’s so cute with its bottle nose and adorable little eyes and fin! She could make up a whole story about it swimming up her channel!” Jenny proclaimed.
Carter laughed and gave me a reassuring smile and for some strange reason I wanted to climb over the table and lick his mouth.
"Alright, now I'm curious. Bullets, rabbits, dolphins…are we still talking about vibrators or are you freaky people into bestiality? I want to see these things and what they can do. Claire, go out to your car and bring them in," Drew said as he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. "This thing has a video camera on it somewhere…" he trailed off, pushing a bunch of buttons.
"Um, no. I am not bringing in vibrators that I have neither confirmed nor denied to receiving. So shut up and eat your dinner, all of you."
"Too bad that Max guy didn't have a bullet on him. You could have at least gotten off before his dad came home," Jenny laughed.
"Ooooh, is this the guy you were talking about when you walked in the door? What happened?" Drew asked, momentarily forgetting about filming amateur porn on his cell phone.
"No. Absolutely not," I protested.