"Yep," Gavin replied. "That big, mean fish ated her."
He said it so calmly - like it was no big deal that a sweet, loving cartoon fish just got murdered. What the fuck was wrong with this movie? This couldn't be appropriate for kids. I didn't think it was appropriate for me.
"Are you sure this is a kid's movie?" I asked Claire.
She laughed and just shook her head at me.
An hour later Gavin was asleep with his head on my lap and Claire was leaning in the opposite direction from me, her elbow on the arm of the couch and her head in her hand.
If I had to listen to Nemo calling for "Daddy" one more time, I was going to blubber like a baby. I snatched up the remote and turned the movie off.
Claire lifted her head off of her hand and gave me a questioning look.
"We need to put another movie in. This is too depressing. They killed off the poor fish's wife in the first five minutes and then we have to spend the rest of the movie watching that same, poor sap search for his son who ran away. What kind of sick fucks made this into a kid's movie?" I whispered angrily, trying not to wake Gavin up.
"Welcome to the Disney/Pixar School of Hard Knocks," she said dryly.
I laughed at her comparison.
"Oh come on. There's no way they're all like this. I do not remember being horrified by a children's movie when I was little."
"That's because you were a child. You didn't understand what was happening at the time, just like Gavin doesn't really understand. I think they make these kids movies more for adults anyway," she explained.
I shook my head in disbelief.
"Sorry, but I remember all of the great Disney classics and there is no way you can find anything nightmare-inducing in any of them."
She raised her eyebrow at me in a challenge.
"Okay fine. Bambi," I said.
She just laughed.
"Oh please! That's the easiest one. Bambi’s dad headed for the hills as soon as the stick turned pink. His mom was a single deer, living in low-rent housing in the crack-whore part of the forest where there are gangs of bunnies. His mom gets killed in a drive-by shooting, leaving Bambi alone and forced to grow up much too soon."
Damn. I forgot about that. It had been a while since I watched Bambi.
"Okay, fine. How about the Little Mermaid? Beautiful sea creature falls in love with the handsome prince."
Shut up. I had little cousins. And Ariel was hot. Men could spend hours looking at a hot mermaid and wonder just how in the hell he could stick it in her.
But seriously, how do mermaids bang?
Claire nodded her head, "Oh yes. Sweet Ariel who has to give up everything, including her identity, for a man. God forbid Prince Eric grows some gills. Nope, Ariel has to give up her friends, her family, her home and her entire life for him. Eric just takes and takes and never gives."
I racked my brain trying to think of another classic kid's movie and continued to contemplate the process of fucking a mermaid. Maybe you could just bend a mermaid over a chair and your dick magically finds the hold in the one-legged fin thing.
"Fine, then how about Beauty and the Beast? The most beautiful girl in all the land falls for the beast's personality instead of his looks. You can't find anything wrong with that. Plus, it teaches a great lesson."
I gave her a smug grin.
Maybe there was a magic button that made a mermaid's legs separate long enough to bang her. Ooooooh, like a magic nipple! Push the nipple and watch her spread.
"Wrong," she replied. "A pretty girl with no money falls for a rich, abusive monster. But she loves him so much that she makes excuses for the abuse. ‘Oh that bruise? I tripped down a flight of stairs.’"
She angled her body to face me.
"I could go on all day with these, believe me," she said. "You also can't forget the awesomeness that is the penis drawn on the original Little Mermaid VHS box cover and the whisper of, "Kids, take off your clothes," in Aladdin."
I looked at her in horror.
And I'm not gonna lie, I glanced down to her boobs and wondered what it would be like if she had a magic nipple. That would be some Nobel Peace Prize shit right there.
"From now on, Gavin only watches wholesome movies like "Anchorman" and "The Seed of Chucky," I told her. “And you're dressing up as Ariel for Halloween this year."
Claire just rolled her eyes at me, reached over to scoop Gavin off of my lap and then disappeared down the hall. A few minutes later, she was back and I watched her walk across the room to me. She straddled my lap and my hands went right to her hips to hold her in place while she slid her hands around my neck and tangled them in my hair.
"He should be out for a little while. Wanna mess around?" she asked with a giggle.
"Can I touch your boobs?" I asked hopefully.
It wasn't like I'd tell her no if she wouldn't let me play with the twins, but it was always good to set the ground rules ahead of time so there weren't any awkward foul plays.
She laughed and kissed the corner of my mouth.