Twenty minutes later, the carpet was good as new and Drew and I were sitting Indian-style in the middle of Gavin's room, praying to every higher power we knew that the girls wouldn't walk in the room right this minute.
Gavin had decided we should play dress up. We tried getting him to play something manly like cops and robbers, running with scissors or lighting shit on fire - anything but this. Unfortunately, you couldn't win an argument with a four-year old no matter how much you tried. Drew and I were both currently dressed as babies, complete with pacifiers in our mouths and holding on to stuffed animals. He stuck us each in these giant sun hats of Claire’s that flopped down over our faces. Drew’s was pink and mine was white. I drew the line at putting on one of his old, unused diapers that he found in a drawer in his closet from before he was potty trained.
"Hey, Uncle Drew, I have a secret to tell you," Gavin said.
Drew pulled the pacifier out of his mouth.
"Give it to me."
Gavin leaned in by his ear and whispered just loud enough for me to be able to hear him.
"You smell like beef and cheese."
Gavin pulled back from Drew’s ear and Drew rolled his eyes at him.
"Dude, your secret sucks," he said.
"YOU SUCK!" Gavin yelled.
"Guys, dinner is ready so you should…"
Claire’s words were cut off when she rounded the corner of the room and caught us. The abrupt halt to her feet caused Jenny, who had been following close behind, to smack into the back of her. Claire put her hand over her mouth to hide her giggles. Jenny couldn't have cared less about shielding her enjoyment of the situation. She bent over at the waist laughing her ass off out loud and pointing.
"Oh my God, someone tell me they have a camera," Jenny said in between laughs.
"Do you want me to spit up? Because I'm not afraid to go there," Drew threatened.
Both of us ripped off our baby crap while the girls laughed and gave Gavin high-fives. Drew and I stood up while Jenny lifted Gavin into her arms and told him how awesome he was and cooed all over him. He ate up every word and I swear that kid smirked at us as he put his head down on Jenny’s chest - which was currently on full display with her low-cut top and push-up bra.
"Oh my God, I am so jealous of that kid right now. I wish I was cradled to her tits. Cradled like a baby," Drew whispered.
"Do you hear yourself right now?" I asked as we all walked out of Gavin's room and into the dining room where we were greeted by Liz and Jim who were already seated.
***
After an extremely delicious dinner where there was only minimal fighting between the two children, and by children I mean Drew and Gavin, Claire started bringing out tray after tray of all her sweet goodies.
Now all I could think of were Claire’s sweet goodies on a tray; her delicious num-nums on a silver platter. I would love to eat her off of a tray. I want to lick her Globs.
"Carter, do you want some?"
"Fuck yes."
"Awwwww, Carter said the t-u-l word mom!" Gavin tattled.
Oops.
“Who taught you how to spell?” Drew asked with a sneer.
“Dude, I’m four,” Gavin replied.
I excused myself to go to the bathroom before I did something even more embarrassing. I stood there peeing and trying not to think about Claire being naked on a tray when the bathroom door suddenly opened and Gavin walked in.
"Oh, hey there, Gavin,” I said nervously as I tried to turn my body away from him without interrupting the flow. “Uh, I'm kind of going to the bathroom here buddy. Can you shut the door?"
He did as I asked, however, he didn’t leave the room before he shut the door. Now he was locked in a small, enclosed space with me while I tried to take a piss. And now he was staring at my junk. Okay, this wasn't awkward at all.
"Um, Gavin can you look somewhere else? Oh hey, look at that duck in the tub. That's pretty cool."
Still staring. Was this something I should be concerned with?
"Wow, Carter. You've got a HUGE wiener."
Suddenly, Gavin being in the bathroom with me didn’t seem so bad. If only he could have been in the bathroom with me in eighth grade and passed that little tidbit around for Penny Frankles to hear, I might not have gone to the eight grade graduation dance solo.
I finished pissing, zipped up my pants and flushed the toilet, all while trying not to pat myself on the back. Yeah, I had a huge wiener. You bet your sweet ass I did. I almost needed a wheelbarrow to carry it around. And because a toddler said it, it must have been true.
We got back to the table and I couldn't keep the shit-eating grin off of my face.
"What are you smiling about? Do you have gas?" Drew joked.
"Hey, Mommy, Carter has a HUGE wiener," Gavin said around a mouthful of cookie, holding his hands up in the air about three feet apart, like you do when you're telling someone how big the fish is you just caught.
Claire quickly reached over and pushed Gavin's arms down while everyone else at the table laughed. I just sat back and smiled and tried to keep my anaconda penis tucked under the table so it wouldn't scare anyone.