"I guess he told Jim about a girl, and I quote," she paused and brought her hands up to make air quotes. "That he met at a frat party and how he's thought about her for five years. Jim didn't get a chance to elaborate on what all was said because you chose that moment to walk into the house telling everyone about your neglected vagina and two-pump-chump Max."
"Fucking hell," I whispered.
"That's why Jim invited them over. I didn't have a chance to tell him that we saw Carter last night at the bar so he had no idea until our kitchen pow-wow.”
He DID remember me! Well, not me-me, but the 'me' from that night. The 'me' he met at the party. The ‘me’ whose virginity he took.
I need to stop saying 'me'.
"A little advanced notice would have been nice. You know there's this nifty little gadget called a cell phone right?" I complained.
"Oh, shut the fuck up. I was just as surprised as you were. They got here right before you did and Jim had all of thirty seconds to blurt out what was going on while we hung up their coats," she argued as she pulled plates down out of the cupboard.
"There is no way you were even remotely as surprised as me. If I woke up tomorrow with my tits sewn to the curtains, I wouldn't be this much in shock," I replied petulantly.
"Hey, I tried to shut you up. Several times. It's not my fault everyone now knows you have an irritable vagina. Heh, irritable vagina!" she laughed at her own joke. “Maybe it’s like irritable bowel and you can get some medication for it.”
Jim chose that moment to stick his head in the kitchen.
"If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century."
"You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked.
Jim made a production of grabbing his crotch. "Secret handshake - check. And the password is ‘Claire’s Coochie Kills’."
I threw an oven-mitt at him, hitting him square in the face. Just then the buzzer to the oven went off and the doorbell rang.
"That's probably Jenny," Liz said as she opened the oven door and pulled out the pan of lasagna. Being the good friend that I am, I had the foresight to send her a text with the news about Jenny joining us for dinner.
"Perfect timing. We'll all sit down and eat, she will inevitably say a bunch of stupid shit and everyone will forget about your pikachu. That should give you enough time to figure out a way to tell Carter his boys can swim."
***
Fifteen minutes later we were all seated around the dining room table, filling up our plates. Thankfully, my earlier embarrassment was pushed to the side while I watched Drew fall all over Jenny. Unfortunately, I couldn't ignore the Carter situation since he was sitting right across from me and I couldn't stop staring at him.
Fuck he's hot. I mean, really, really hot. He filled out a lot in five years. I bet he works out. He’s probably a runner. He’s got that lean look to him. I wonder who cuts his hair? It looks like he pays a small fortune to make it look like he doesn’t care what it looks like. Totally works for him.
Shit! Focus. Who cares what kind of hair products he uses? How are you going to tell this man he’s a father?
Hey Carter, how about this crazy weather we've been having? Speaking of crazy, your spunk has a crazy backstroke.
The hum of conversation around the table shook me from my thoughts.
“So, I was in the left-hand lane and some idiot tried to come over to where I was. I had to slam on my breaks so I didn't hit the medium."
Everyone stopped what they were doing and waited for Jenny to correct her mistake. Unless she really meant that she almost ran her car into someone who could communicate with the dead.
"Um, Jenny, do you mean median?" Jim asked when the silence around the table lasted for far too long.
She paused with her fork halfway to her mouth and looked at him funny. "Isn't that cement thingy in the middle of the highway called a medium?"
Carter tried to cover up a laugh by coughing, and I saw Drew punch him in the side.
"It's alright, Jenny. You can call it whatever you want to," Drew said, patting her hand in reassurance.
"Oh, Claire, I forgot to tell you. The purchase I made tonight worked awesome!"
I should never have taken a drink of my water at that moment. As soon as the words left Jenny’s mouth, I took a deep breath in shock and the water went down the wrong pipe. I started hacking and coughing, tears running down my face as Liz put her fork down and started smacking me on the back.
"What did you buy?" Drew asked as over a mouthful of noodles and sauce, completely ignoring the fact that I was dying across the table from him.
Carter at least gave me a concerned look and did that half-sitting, half-standing thing like he was getting ready to vault over the table to make sure I was okay. His concern for me was hot.
Hey Carter, speaking of hot - your hot beef injection had a play date with my eggs.
"The best vibrator I've ever owned," Jenny announced proudly, answering Drew’s question.
It was his turn to choke. Some of the lasagna flew out of his mouth as he pounded his fist against his chest and Carter reached over to slap his palm against his back.