Oh my God, I sound like a chick. I need to watch some ESPN and get in a bar fight, pronto.
The sound of the toilet flushing in the connecting bathroom had me bolting upright in bed. Holy shit! Was that her?
I swung my legs around off the bed and started to get up right when the door opened.
"Fucking hell dude, don't ever sleep in a bathtub. That shit is for the birds. My ass is killing me," Drew complained as he shuffled over to the bed, turned around and let his body fall back onto the end, settling after a few bounces. He threw his arm over his eyes and groaned.
"Why the fuck does morning have to come so early?" he whimpered.
I sighed in disappointment, holding the sheet in place so I could lean over and grab my jeans that were crumpled on the floor with my boxer-briefs still shoved inside them.
"I'm never drinking again," he promised.
"You said that last week," I reminded him as I flung the sheet off of me so I could put my pants on.
What. The. Fuck?
"Oh shit. Fucking shit. Mother fucking shit balls."
This can't be good. This really, really cannot be good.
"What are you whining about over there, Nancy?" Drew asked as he removed his arm from across his eyes and sat up.
"My dick is bleeding. Drew – MY DICK IS BLEEDING!"
I was screeching like a girl. I knew it, he knew it, pretty soon the whole house would know it. But my dick was bleeding. Did you hear me? My fucking dick was fucking bleeding. FUCK! It's not supposed to bleed. Ever.
I thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know much, but I did know the rules about owning a dick. Rule number one: It should never bleed. Rule number two: There was no rule number two. IT SHOULD NEVER FUCKING BLEED.
Did I sleep with a nutcase that decided to carve my dick like a jack-o-lantern while I slept? Or maybe her vagina had teeth. My dad used to always tell me when I was a teenager to stay away from them, because they bite. I thought he was kidding. Oh God, I can’t look. What if some of it is missing?
"Calm down. Let's assess the situation," Drew said, crossing one leg over the other and folding his hands on his knee. "Have you noticed any of the following: unidentified discharge, burning sensation when you urinate, lower abdominal pain, testicular pain, pain during sex, fever, headache, sore throat, weight loss, chronic diarrhea or night sweats?"
He sounded like a fucking commercial for syphilis.
"Eeew dude, no. I just have blood on my dick," I answered irritably, pointing to the problem but refusing to look.
He leaned over and looked down at my lap.
"Looks okay to me," he said with a shrug as he stood up. "You probably just bagged a virgin."
I sat there with my bloody, non-chlamydia infested dick flapping in the breeze and my jaw hanging open.
A virgin? That can't be right.
I glanced back down in my lap and took a closer look. Okay so it wasn't the bloody slaughter I originally thought I saw. My dick hadn't been Texas Chainsaw Massacred. There were just a few pink streaks. I wore a condom though. How in the hell does something like this happen? You use those God dammed things as water balloons in middle school and couldn’t get them to pop even if you threw them at a bed of nails. The one time you need them to stay in one piece they decide to say “fuck this shit”. It was like condom anarchy.
But more importantly - Holy hell! Why would she let me take her virginity? Why in the fuck would she give something like that to me when I was completely shit-faced and couldn't even make it sort of enjoyable for her? What an epic fail. I probably ruined sex for her forever. She's probably thinking right now "Seriously? That's what I waited for? What a joke."
"I have to find out who she is. I need to apologize," I mumbled to myself, standing up and pulling my boxers and jeans on.
"Whoa, dude. You didn't even get her name? Wow, you're kind of a dick," Drew said with a laugh, walking over to the bedroom door and opening it.
I threw my shirt over my head and then followed behind him, hopping on one foot to slide my shoes on.
"Thanks for making me feel a whole lot better Drew. Really. You're a stellar friend," I said sarcastically as we maneuvered our way through a house full of passed out drunks.
"Hey, it's not my fault you banged and bailed bro," he stated as he took a giant step over a naked chick wearing just a sombrero and opened the front door.
"I didn't bang and bail. In case you failed to notice, I woke up alone in bed this morning."
"With a bloody johnson," he added, walking down the steps of the porch.
"With a fucking bloody johnson," I repeated with a groan. "Shit. I have to find this girl. Do you think it's wrong for me to ask your dad to use his private detective resources to find out who she is?"