“I couldn’t stand to see you with that motherfucker downstairs. I wanted to beat him unconscious. Even now, I can smell him on you and it makes me sick!” He growled.
Livvie cried. She struggled in Caleb’s grasp until she freed her arms. She placed them over his hands and squeezed them. “I didn’t want to,” she sobbed. “But…you’re just…you’re all over the place! One minute, I think…you must feel something. You have to care! But the next…. Caleb, you’re awful. You’re cruel and you…you break my heart.”
Caleb held her as she sobbed in his arms and never had he wished he could just let go, so much. He wished he were capable of letting everything come out of him. He wanted to cry. He could feel the tears in his throat. Everything hurt, his heart, his throat, even his eyes as he kept them tightly closed. His arms ached with the intensity of his hold on Livvie, but he couldn’t let it out. He’d trained himself for far too long and unlike the job he’d done with Livvie, he’d trained himself much too well.
“I can’t take it anymore, Caleb. I’ve tried, but I can’t,” she sobbed. “Every time I think you’re coming around, every time I let myself hope, you crush me. You rip everything out! Sometimes I think I fucking hate you. Sometimes I know I hate you. And still! Still, Caleb – I love you. I put my faith in you. I believe you when you say it’s all going to be alright.”
“I’m done,” she said with a determination capable of stopping Caleb’s heart. “I’m done, Caleb. I’ll kill myself!”
Mine!
Pure rage slammed into Caleb. He turned her in his arms and pushed her onto the bed. His body came crashing down on top of her and he held her down. “Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare say shit like that to me. That’s the coward’s way out and you know it,” he spat.
Livvie’s eyes burned with a rage to match Caleb’s own. He could see it. He could feel it. “You’re the coward, Caleb. I’m not afraid to tell you how I feel. I’m not afraid to admit, that despite everything you’ve done to me, I love you.”
She loves me.
“Do you have any idea how stupid I feel confessing to you?” she continued, “You kidnapped me! You’ve humiliated me, beat me, nearly gotten me raped, and just a moment ago you had me suck a complete stranger’s dick in a room full of twisted perverts. I love you, but I’m not the coward, Caleb. I deserve to live or die on my own fucking terms.”
Caleb stared down into Livvie’s face and the steel he saw behind her eyes shook him to his foundation for the second time. Livvie was no coward. He knew it, had even told himself he’d never accuse her of such a thing again, and this had been why. Livvie would do it. She would end her own life. Caleb couldn’t breathe.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. It seemed to be all he could say, all he was capable of saying. He relaxed his hold on her and rested his head next to hers on the bed. He made himself breathe, past the pain, past the anguish lying in wait in his throat. Slowly, deeply, he breathed.
They lay in silence for several minutes. Caleb could feel Livvie’s tears as they slid down her face; they wet his own. It was as close to crying as Caleb could get and for a moment he imagined they were his tears. They were his confession. They said all the things he couldn’t…because he was a coward.
Slowly, Livvie stirred. Caleb wasn’t sure what to expect, but then he felt her arms slide around him. Caleb’s stomach dipped, his heart felt squeezed. She shouldn’t be holding him. He knew it was his place to comfort her since he was the one responsible for all of her suffering. Still, Caleb was selfish. He let her be the one to comfort them.
“I thought about you,” she said numbly, “while he was touching me. I thought about you.” Caleb pressed into her in a silent plea for her to stop talking. He didn’t want to hear this, but Livvie was done listening to him, and he knew it. “I wanted to make you jealous. I wanted to make you feel, even a fraction, of what I felt, the night you fucked Celia in front of me.”
Caleb winced. His heart felt even tighter. He hoped Livvie’s words meant he hadn’t lost her yet. Somehow he’d find a way to make it right with her, and Rafiq.
“I was insanely jealous,” Caleb offered in supplication.
Livvie squeezed him for a moment then loosened her hold, “I know. It should make me happy, but it doesn’t.” She sighed.
“Why,” Caleb asked softly into her warm, wet neck.
“I’d rather make you happy, Caleb. I’d rather see you smile. Sometimes, you smile and I…” she paused, overwhelmed, “I forget about everything that’s wrong with you.”