Chapter 17
My aunt, who's been staying with my mother since CJ and I went back to our house, called me first thing this morning, concerned by how poorly Mom is dealing well with things. She asks me to please bring CJ over in an attempt to cheer her up. CJ is amazing. It doesn’t matter how sad I am, he can always make me smile. I wonder if Mom’s been asking for him.
After getting CJ up and fed we head over to her house. The front door is locked when we arrive, so I use the extra key on my own key ring to get inside. This is the house I grew up in. On a normal day, my dad would have been out in the yard, riding his lawnmower. But the lawn has gone to hell and dad isn’t here.
I’ve been dealing with it by telling myself that it’s just for a little while. I’ll see him again, and Cade. And wherever they are, they’re both happy and looking down on us. I know they’re happy. Since I released my heart from its prison, life has gotten easier. A person can’t live on logic alone, and what’s a life without love? My dad adored me. It grieves me to think of Daniel and the relationship he shares with his father. His scars are a constant reminder of the way things were, and still are, between them. I’m thankful for the time I had with my father, and that he was a good man.
When we walk inside, I call out, "Mom? Are you home?" I know she is since I just talked to my aunt an hour and a half ago, but she doesn't know that.
"In here!" Instead of my mom's voice, it's my Aunt Susie that answers back, and even though it seems strange, I head for the den. The scene inside shocks me. My mother and her sister are very similar people, but today, they couldn't look more different. My aunt is dressed to the nines, the type of woman who puts on a pantsuit to go to the supermarket, but my mom—holy crap! My mom is wearing a pair of my father's old sweatpants, the kind with holes in them from the number of times they've been washed, and one of his San Antonio Spurs t-shirts. My dad was not a small man, but my mother is a very small woman. The shirt practically drowns her.
It’s probably clearer now the reason I’ve been living in yoga pants and stained t-shirts. When grief like this comes, everything hurts, even skin. Plus, I wore Cade’s shirts for a while, too. I kept them as long as they held his scent. The day I finally donated them to a charity nearly killed me, but I held onto a few things—a favorite sweatshirt, a sweater.
I know exactly how Mom is feeling—losing a husband is a pain that hurts like nothing else. The worst part is that no one can carry you through the grief. You have to get to the other side on your own. Friends and family can be there to prod you along, but they can’t make you move. Today, my mother’s clothes say she won’t be budged.
I carry CJ to Mom, who hasn’t even noticed us. She’s staring at the television and not seeing a thing. I know she isn't, and it’s not just the glazed look on her face. She’s watching a daytime judge show, which she hates because she thinks that discussing your personal business on national TV is disgraceful and demeaning.
"Hey, Mom," I say, leaning over to kiss her cheek. She startles at my voice, finally smiling when she sees CJ reaching for her and hears him babbling.
"Gahgah gahgahgahgahgah,” he says.
She takes him out of my arms, hugging him tightly to her chest and placing kisses all over his chubby cheeks. He squeals, excited to see her.
"Hi, Genny," is all she says to me before turning her attention right back to my son. "Hi there, Handsome," she says, the smile clear in her voice as she talks to him. "What are you up to today?"
“Mama mama. Gahhagaah.” He jabbers at her as she stares down at him, a small smile playing on her lips.
"How's she doing?" I ask Aunt Susie in a low voice. She watches my mom for a few minutes longer before getting up and gesturing for me to follow her into the kitchen.
I sit down at the bar while my aunt starts making coffee, moving around the kitchen with a huge amount of nervous energy. "Honestly, Genny, I'm not sure. I mean, you see what she's wearing today. It's the third day in a row she's been dressed like that, she won't leave the house and she does nothing but stare at the TV. I don't know what to do for her, there's no way for me to make this any better."
"I wish I knew how to make this part go faster, but I think she needs it. It’s hard, I don't remember much about the months following Cade's death, but I know I was a wreck. Mom and Dad helped. Being here helps, even if it seems like she doesn’t care—she does."
Aunt Susie looks thoughtful. "I think letting her spend as much time with CJ as she can muster is a good idea. It gives her something to focus on, and something to look forward to. Look at how happy she is right now, and that was just because she saw him. It's the most emotion I've seen from her all week."
Knowing we can't stay in the kitchen much longer without my mom coming to look for us, we head back into the living room where she's on the floor with CJ, his toys spread out all around them. I love watching my mom with him. With me, she may be a complete control freak, convinced she knows what's best for me, whether it's what I want or not. But with my son, she's the doting grandma. She spoils him rotten and he does no wrong in her eyes.
I sit down on the floor with them, pulling CJ into my lap and cuddling him to my chest. I love the baby scent he still has and take every opportunity to smell him. He's going to grow up so fast, he won't always be my baby who loves to cuddle. CJ grabs my face and squishes my cheeks together, making me have a fish-face.
“Mama!”
“Hwey, waby.” He giggles when I try to talk, and my mothers’ smile broadens. I grab CJ and roll onto my back, holding him over my head. His arms and legs dangle down, swatting at me, as he giggles. Then a big glob of drool falls on my face. Laughing, I put him down. “Cheater.”
My mom watches us together, a soft look in her eyes. CJ crawls over to her and they snuggle and he gets her to giggle softly.
Deciding that it’d be good for her to have something to do, I ask, "Can you come over and watch CJ tomorrow night?"
"What's tomorrow night? Do you have a date?" She's instantly alert, ready for me to tell her that I've met the perfect man, preferably older than me, rich, with a stable career. Little does she know that young, not so rich, with a new business is more my type.
Shaking my head, I tell her, "No, no date. Just going out to a bar over on the River-walk." I leave it at that, not wanting to lie to her, but not wanting to get into the details either.
"Oh," she says, her disappointment clear. It doesn't stop her for long though. "I'd love to spend some time with my grandson. And, if I come to your house, you won't even have to come home!" Jeez, she's offering to babysit while I go out for a one-night stand? Always classy, mom.
"Mom!” I gape at her, my face flaming red. Aunt Susie laughs.
“Well, a little sex now and then never killed anyone.”
Aunt Susie nearly chokes. “Stop encouraging your daughter into whoredom.”
“Is that a town? If it is Lanie will want directions,” I say. Mom gently slaps me on the back of my head, but she’s laughing.
“Lanie’s a good girl, she just doesn’t know it.”
“Good girls don’t have one-night stands, Ma.”
She cringes. “Mother or Mom, please. And I never said you weren’t a good girl, I just said that a little loving might take the edge off, so don’t hurry home.” With that, she goes back to ignoring me and coos at CJ. I glance at Aunt Susie who looks like she’s thinking we should institutionalize mom in a designer straight jacket.
“Uh, thanks Mom. I probably won't need you to babysit overnight, although you're welcome to the guest bedroom if you want. That way you won't have to drive home late."
“You better not stay out late,” Aunt Susie chides, which makes my mother come to life. No one scolds me, except her. She and her sister snap back and forth while she plays with the baby.
I stay at my mom's until late afternoon. When CJ falls asleep, my mom prods, “Please go shopping. I love this workout, lesbian look you have going on, but I think it’s time to buy a new dress. Go out. I’ll watch CJ.”
Erin's words about wearing a sexy dress come back to me and I think about what I'm going to wear tomorrow night. When I refused to accept it, Mom returned my birthday dress. I don’t own a sexy dress. “Really?” I ask, not wanting to make things harder for her.
Mom’s jaw drops as her eyebrows go way up into her hairline. “You’re seriously thinking about it? Go! Don’t let me stop you. Aunt Susie and I can take care of CJ. Take your time. Buy some nice panties too.”
“Mom!”
Aunt Susie pinches her nose. “Oh, dear God.”
“You only live once. Make it count.” Mom takes my hand, squeezes it and says, “Go on. Get out of here.” I hug her and say thank you. I have a dress to buy.