The thought disgusts me. I want to swipe my hand across my mouth to erase the kiss. Doing anything more intimate with Ty would be soul sucking.
I don’t know how anyone can’t tell the difference. I’d know which was Knox and which was Ty blindfolded. Ty’s hands feel different around my waist. His fingers are thinner and shorter. His body is more bulky. His smell is different. I can’t let this stranger touch me for one more second or I’ll get sick, so I pull away.
I clear my throat. “I failed, didn’t I?”
Knox steps forward, his expression wavers between confusion and unhappiness. “You kissed my brother.”
I give a half laugh and choke back my tears as I grab my purse. “At least it wasn’t with tongue. I’m going now.”
“Wait,” he calls, but I push by both of them, grab my coat, and leap out of there.
Knox grabs me halfway down the stairs.
As I turn back, I see Ty leaning against the open door. He’s judging me. “Let her go.”
“Shut up. Did you really not know?” Knox doesn’t believe me, or he doesn’t want to.
I give the best acting job I can. “I don’t know.” I wave a flustered hand between the two of them. “I don’t even know who’s standing in front of me right now. Is it the brother, or is it Knox?”
Knox looks like I’ve slapped him or something else here.
“Sorry, I know you wanted me to be the one. Sorry I ruined it for you.” I’m surprised at the calmness of my tone. I knew this would happen all along. I’d expected it. Knox is too decent of a person for someone like me. I knew I never deserved him. All this time I’d fooled myself more than anyone else. Jack isn’t the dumb one in the family. It’s me. It’s always been me. Somewhere I find the ability to give Knox a half smile. It strikes him like a physical blow and he jerks back. “Think of it this way. Your seal is broken and you can take advantage of all the girls available to you.”
Knox hisses and drops my arm.
“Let her go,” Ty says again.
And this time…
This time Knox does.
31
Knox
She doesn’t look back. Not even once. Behind me, Matty shuffles awkwardly in the kitchen. Nothing about this seems right to me. Not Ellie leaving. Not her completely defeated. Not her walking off without another look.
None of it.
Matty breaks the silence. “Take a page from the Matty Manual. Fuck the girls you don’t care about. It’s a lot less painful when you both move on.”
He gives me a half-hearted pat on the shoulder and disappears down the stairs. I go inside.
There’s an ache that develops at the core when you have a bad loss. It seeps into your bloodstream and it takes days for that regret and sorrow to work its way out. In the pros, when you’re injured, sometimes they take your blood and send it into a centrifuge to spin out all the bad shit. It’s called a PRP—a platelet rich plasma injection—and supposedly it works like a miracle drug to ease your pain, promote healing, even reduce swelling and ligamentous injury.
That’s what I need right now. A PRP to my heart—Pulp Fiction style. One needle jabbed into my left pec repeatedly until this hideous fucking pain disappears.
“Bro, I am so sorry.” Ty sits, hunched over on the sofa. His hands hang between his legs, tossing the remote back and forth. I stare at the sidewalk Ellie walked down. A few of the guys mill around on the porch.
Snow starts to fall onto the common area of the Playground. At some point, the guys downstairs will throw on their gear and start tossing the ball around, messing up the pure white blanket.
“I messed up back there,” I conclude.
“Yeah, by not waiting. Why didn’t you come up for the bye?”
“She had a softball game.” I grab the remote from Ty to force him to look at me. “No, I messed up by going through with the test. I know she worried about it. She acted weird all week, asking me questions about the draft and then breaking up with me in a fake way. It must be because of the test. You don’t do that sort of shit to people you care about. You don’t put them through a fucking obstacle course and withhold your affection at the end of it if they trip up. That’s what Ellie’s parents have done all her life.”
“I could have taken her into the bedroom right there,” Ty snaps angrily.
No, she had already drawn away. The contact between them was slight. It made me sick to see it, but she barely touched him.
“She’s not Marcie,” I tell him.
“She’s not the one,” he shoots back. “You got it wrong. But like she said, you don’t have to hold back now. You can do anyone you want.”
The idea of being with another girl makes me sick. I can actually taste the bile in the back of my throat. “No.”
“Forget about her. She’s nothing. Besides, you can’t let this affect you.” Ty states the obvious. I don’t bite his head off for it though. He only wants to help, but he doesn’t know Ellie like I know her.
I stand up.
“Where are you going?” he demands.