“You can’t tell her that,” Hammer objects.
“Why?” I ask impatiently. I’m ready for this conversation to end. I was ready about ten minutes ago.
“Because you lose all the hand in the relationship. She’ll have you by the balls,” he says earnestly.
“That’s what he wants,” Jesse interjects, but then turns to me. “How do you know this is the chick to do the deed with? You’ve waited all this time, and you’ve known this girl for what, a day?”
The guys fall silent again and it’s clear this question is important to them. When you’re a recruit, the coach takes you around the school, showing you the facilities, promising you that not only you’ll play, but you’ll compete on one of the best teams in the best conference. He promises your parents that he and his staff will be your family away from home. Then when the sun goes down, the players take you out. They tell you about the easy classes and the easier women.
When you sign, the song changes. They’ve got you now, and they want to whip you into shape. That includes speeches about wrapping it up, avoiding the girls who believe you’re their ticket out of the life they don’t currently enjoy or to the life they want. There’s this strange dichotomy as an athlete—here’s as many women as you want, but be careful because 99% of them have a trap in their vagina.
I glance at Jesse, thoughtful. “When did you first realize you wanted to play football?”
“Don't know the first time. It seems like I knew all my life.”
Now I turn to Hammer. “Hammer, you played three sports. Excelled in all of them. Got drafted for baseball. Turned it down to play football. Why?”
“Felt right.” Hammer tosses his phone between his hands, thinking about my question. “I loved it more than the other sports. It was the only one that all the sacrifice felt worth giving up everything for. It…felt right,” he repeats.
“It felt right,” I echo meaningfully.
“So she's your football?” Matty asks, quick to understand where I’m going with this. And people accuse jocks of not being perceptive. “What about actual football?”
“I want to have it all,” I say simply. “Don’t you?”
They nod slowly.
Matty speaks up again, wrinkling his forehead. “Okay, so if it feels right, what do you need us for? Text her whenever you want, dude.”
I shift awkwardly, and then release a choppy breath. “But…” Now I hesitate, because the thing about being a team leader? You need to convince your teammates that you’re capable of leading. You know, that you actually know what the hell you’re doing one hundred percent of the time.
“I guess…” I exhale again. “I know I want her, but that doesn’t mean I know how to get her.”
Hammer snorts. “You’re saying you don’t have moves?”
I narrow my eyes. “I have moves.” Then I give a sheepish look. “But for the sake of argument, let’s say I need to win over a chick, how do I go about it? How’d you get your last girlfriend, Hammer?”
He shrugs. “She was some jock chaser who hung around all the time, and it got easier to say she was my girlfriend than argue about it.”
“Lovely.” No wonder he cheated on her. I quickly turn to the rest of the group, hoping at least one of them isn’t a total moron in the boyfriend department. “Who here has a serious girlfriend? None of you?”
“Jesse does.” Hammer points his phone at Jesse, who ducks his head sheepishly.
“I don’t know. I’ve dated the same girl, Caitlyn, since ninth grade. We had the same advisory class, and sort of started dating. I didn’t have to win her over or anything.”
Awesome. We’re a bunch of clueless men. We might know how to execute a blitz, stop the run, read a route, but with women, unless they are offering themselves on a silver platter, apparently our collective knowledge couldn’t fill a shoe. “We need some expert advice.”
“My sister reads Cosmo a lot,” Hammer offers.
“Isn't that the site that said girls should give donut blowjobs?” Jesse asks.
“A donut blowjob?” Matty pipes up.
“Yeah, like it goes over your dick, she sucks your dick, and eats the donut.”
“But teeth?” Matty looks intrigued but scared.
“But blowjobs,” Jesse replies. “And donuts,” he adds as an afterthought.
“Sounds like the best goddamn site on the Internet. Fire it up,” Hammer orders.
16
Ellie
Week 1: Warriors 0-0