“I’ll take the onions, and I think you both are being as ridiculous as your friend. How can he work for it when she won’t even return his phone calls?” Simon said, giving “work for it” air quotes and spilling onions on the floor. “Shit. Babe, throw me that dish towel, will you?”
“Here’s your dish towel, and before you ask, here’s your mustard and your lettuce and your tomato,” I said, setting the plates down a little harder than necessary. “And for your information, your boy, not our girl, is the one who cheated. Ergo, she doesn’t have to return anything.”
“Ergo? When did you become a lawyer? And thank you, this is everything I ever wanted in a burger,” Simon said, making a great flourish out of dressing his patty. “She should at least hear him out; is that too much to ask?”
“Do you even know why she’s so hurt? Why she can’t get over that he cheated?” Mimi said, squeezing the ketchup bottle so hard it squirted all over her plate.
“Okay, can we stop saying cheated? He didn’t cheat, he just kissed his ex-girlfriend,” Ryan interjected, taking a bite of his burger. “Tha’s na cheeinh.”
“Of course it’s cheating!” Mimi and I yelled in unison.
“Okay! That’s enough. No one talks for one minute. Everyone take a bite,” Simon commanded, looking as serious as anyone could, with a burger that was stacked almost nine inches tall.
We all bit. Then chewed. Simon took the longest. He had nine inches, after all.
“Now, can we discuss this like adults?” he asked.
“You’ve got mustard on your lip, Simon,” I said, biting back a laugh. He blushed, then licked his lips.
“I can discuss this as an adult, if you two can admit that what he did was wrong,” I offered, pointing my pickle spear at the boys.
“If I can speak for Simon here, neither of us ever said that what he did wasn’t wrong. We just don’t think he needs to be tarred, feathered, and driven out of town,” Ryan said. “He kissed someone—would you rather he fucked someone?”
“But that’s the thing: he didn’t just kiss someone, he kissed an ex-girlfriend. The ex-girlfriend, from what you told me,” Mimi answered.
“What do you mean, the ex-girlfriend. You didn’t tell me it was the ex-girlfriend,” I exclaimed, turning to Simon.
“I did too!”
“You did not.”
“I did too!”
“So much for adults.” Ryan snorted, taking another bite of his burger.
“You said it was an ex-girlfriend. You didn’t say it was the ex-girlfriend,” I snapped.
“What’s the difference?” Simon asked, and Mimi’s head exploded.
“An ex-girlfriend just means she’s, like, one of many. No one special. The ex-girlfriend is suuuuuch a bigger deal,” she explained
I could see Simon still didn’t get it.
“You’re talking to someone who doesn’t have any ex-girlfriends, much less the ex-girlfriend,” I told Mimi, signaling her that I had this one. “Simon, an ex-girlfriend is someone you’re happy to see every now and again, you wish her well, but it doesn’t matter in the long run. The ex-girlfriend matters: there’s a connection there, there’s shared history, she’s even maybe the one that got away. An ex-girlfriend, we wouldn’t be so pissed over. The ex-girlfriend, yeah.”
“Wait a minute, just wait a minute. You’re telling me if I kissed an ex-girlfriend, you wouldn’t be pissed?” he asked, mustard on his lip again.
I closed my eyes. “Of course that’s what a guy would hear—no! We’re pissed if you kiss any ex, but an ex isn’t as big a deal as the ex. An ex, the ex—big difference.”
“Okay, please stop saying an ex. I realize it’s grammatically correct, but it just sounds weird. Plus it sounds like you’re saying annex. The point is, you’re pissed because he kissed a girl he had a connection with—or at least you assume he had a connection with, right?” Simon asked. Still with the mustard. This time I wasn’t telling him; he was in charge of his own mouth.
“Ryan, you told me this was the girl he almost asked to marry him, right?” Mimi asked.
“Yes.”
“I rest my case,” she shouted, dusting off her hands.
“Christ, this is going nowhere fast. Okay, so let me ask you this. Which would have been worse: if he kissed this particular ex, or had sex with some random woman he was never going to see again?” Ryan asked.
“Depends,” I said.
“Random. No, ex. No, random. No, it depends,” Mimi said, shaking her head.
“I give up,” Simon said.
“Do you have any Tums in your purse?” Ryan asked Mimi.
“I’m getting more wine,” I announced.
“You’ve got mustard on your lip, Simon,” Mimi said.
? ? ?
They left. Simon and I did the dishes in silence, passing plates back and forth to dry. He went back outside to the patio; I stayed inside.
Mimi texted me:
Do you think Sophia should talk to Neil?
Yes, she probably should.
You gonna tell her?
I think you should.
Together?
At the diner tomorrow?
Deal. Tell Simon thanks for dinner, it really was nice.
I will, tell Ryan thanks for coming.
They just don’t get it do they?
Eh, they’re boys.
They’re pretty great boys.
That they are. I’m gonna go kiss on mine. See you in the a.m.
XO