Chapter Thirty
I wish I could forget the dreams… I wish I could be with him every night. And here I thought the nightmares were gone.
Kiersten
I woke up screaming. And then for reasons I really didn’t want to dig into, let alone discuss with that logical part of my brain that normally made good decisions, I padded my way to Wes’s room.
Just as I lifted my hand to knock, the door swung open.
And I stared slack-jawed at that amazing eight pack. Was I sighing? Yes. Biting my cheek to keep from grinning like a fool? Absolutely. I took my time looking, and my nightmare was officially forgotten.
“Feeling better?” Wes tilted my chin up so that he could see my face.
“How did you know I was feeling bad?” I asked in a sleepy voice.
He sighed and opened the door for me so I could walk in. “I heard you screaming.”
“Oh.”
I looked down at his clenched fists and felt instantly guilty. Embarrassment washed over me as I took a step back. His hands came around my waist, lifting me into the air. In an instant I was lying on his bed.
“No, it’s fine. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. The nightmare’s gone and—” I struggled to get up from the bed, but he held me firm in his arms.
Wes brushed a kiss against my forehead. “You didn’t let me finish.” He gave me a sexy grin. “I was on my way to your room to beat whatever monsters were hiding under your bed.”
“You slay dragons now?”
“Is that what you dream about?” He pulled me against him so we were lying chest to chest. “Dragons?”
“I wish.” I shuddered in his arms. “A lot of times I dream about death, about my parents’ death. They’re drowning and I can’t reach them. I’m always too late.”
Wes’s grip tightened around my waist, his breathing seemed to pick up. Licking his lips he kissed my forehead. “Time’s a bitch, isn’t it?”
I laughed. “Yeah, it really is.”
“If only I would have done this, I should have done this, I could have done this…” He swore. “Life is full of those three.”
“Three?”
“Woulda, shoulda, coulda.” Wes traced my jaw with his fingertip. “It’s human nature to assume that we have that sort of control over what happens to us, but the truth is… life happens and sometimes you’re too late. Hell, sometimes you’re too early. Sometimes you make the wrong choice just like sometimes you make the right one. The only time people ever use those three is when things don’t go the right way. People don’t question themselves when things are going well. They question themselves when things have gone to hell.”
I hadn’t really thought about that.
“You can spend your life in that zone, thinking you have even a sliver of control over things that you have no power over. Rather than concentrating on what you should have done, concentrate on what you can do now.”
“And what’s that?” I asked breathlessly.
“Kiss your totally sexy and wise boyfriend…” He kissed my nose. “Let him slay your dragons.” His lips moved to my cheek. “And know that in this moment… you’re not living in the woulda, shoulda, coulda zone. You’re exactly where the universe wants you to be.”
“In your bed?” I grinned.
“Nah.” His mouth met mine. “In my arms.”
Breath hissed out of my mouth as he pressed his lips against mine. Everything about him was so warm and alive. I pressed my hands against his chest, loving the way his skin felt against my fingertips.
He pulled back, eyes closed, and swore, clenching my hands to his chest as if they were his lifeline, as if my touch was somehow changing his world.
“I can feel you,” he whispered. “I love having your hands here.” His eyes opened, but it didn’t look like Wes. It looked like a ghost of him, as if he wasn’t really present with me but somewhere far away. “I wish I could be whole for you.”
“Whole?” I slid my hands to his shoulders and pulled him closer. “You gonna tell me you’re half a man?”
He hesitated and then shrugged “Nah, just wish I could be totally yours, only yours. I wish I could get a do-over.”
“A do-over?” I pulled away and lay. “Weren’t you just spouting nonsense about woulda, coulda, shoulda?”
“Right.” He laughed. “Thanks, smart ass.” A pillow landed on my face before I could stop it. I pushed it away and sat up as he did the same.
“All I’m saying…” He sighed as if he had the world on his shoulders. “…is that I wish all my firsts and lasts were with you and only you.”
“Bummer.” I sighed. “I wasn’t the first freshman you kissed?”
“Actually…” H smiled thoughtfully. “You were.”
“Mission accomplished. And I better be the last freshman you kiss.” I jammed my finger in his chest as he winced and threw the pillow again.
“First, last, only.” He bit down on his lower lip. “Favorite.”
“Oh wow, you must want me to have good dreams tonight then, you’re really laying it on thick.”
“Just covering my bases.”
“Oh yeah?”
“What?” He pointed down at himself. “I’m not dream material?”
“Point Wes.” I held up one finger.
Grinning, he reared back and pounced on me, pressing my back against the pillows and the bed as he hovered over me.
“What if my dream turns into a nightmare?”
His face fell. “What do you mean?”
“What if you’re in the dream and I can’t reach you?”
“Close your eyes.”
“What?”
“Just do it.”
“Fine.” Humoring him, I closed my eyes and waited. His lips tickled my ear as he began to whisper.
“Every time you close your eyes, regardless of where I am or where you are, I want you to remember this.” His fingers laced with mine and then he pressed my hand against my own chest. “Wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, alive or dead, young or old, my heart will always be with yours. Every beat you feel against your fingertips…” His finger tapped against my chest, once, twice. “…is me calling out to you. It’s you returning the call. It’s us talking, communicating, bonding, sharing. Living — Kiersten, it’s us living. There may come a time in your life when your heart will have to beat for mine… but you’ll have to carry on if I can’t. Just like there may come a time when I have to do the same for you. But in the end, one of us will always carry on this.” He tapped again. “So there’s never a reason to be afraid of running out of time — because we keep our own.”
I couldn’t trust myself to speak, not after what he’d just said. Wes had single-handedly put me at ease, as well as wisely taught me one thing. Control what you can, love what you can, and the rest, well… the rest was just the rest. So I couldn’t reach my parents? I tapped my fingertips against his chest. Well, I could feel Wes, and he was right. We were keeping our own time, making our own — living.
“Sleep,” Wes murmered. “I’ve exhausted you with my gibberish.”
“Not true!” I yawned.
Wes laughed and kissed my mouth. “Very true. Now, I want you to close your eyes while I hold you and keep watch.”
“Watch?”
“For the damn dragons!” he teased. “Don’t worry, I won’t let them take your virtue.”
“Right.” I laughed. “Because dragons are known to do that.”
“Never trust a lizard.”
“Uh, methinks dragons aren’t technically lizards.”
“Sure they are.” He turned my body so that he was spooning me. “Just like dinosaurs. Trust me on this, I’m a senior.”
“Sure you aren’t a super senior?” She yawned again.
“Go to sleep.” He nibbled on my ear a bit and then sighed, causing goose bumps to jump to life around my body.
Right, like I could sleep with him touching me like that. My eyes felt heavy as he continued to rain kisses down my neck and then I allowed my body to fall into that heavy wave of sleep — in Wes’s arms.