chapter 9
Jonny woke up to the eager hands of his wife.
“Hey Jonny,” she whispered in his ear, “it’s been awhile.”
He turned toward Jill, never one to turn down an offer. Besides if he was with his wife this morning, maybe that would keep him from being with Heather that afternoon. Heather. Jeez. Just the thought of her aroused him.
“Oooh,” Jill said, “I can see you were thinking the same thing.”
Jonny rolled on top of her and they fell into their usual routine. It was a reminder to him, sex with Jill was boring and brief.
“I’ve missed you babe.” Jill stroked his hair. “It was good to be close to you again. It’s been too long.”
“Yeah, I know,” Jonny lied, removing himself from her arms, “but I gotta go.”
Jill rolled onto her stomach, “But honey it’s only seven-thirty, you’re not on the air till two.”
“Yes, Jill,” Jonny pulled away, “but you forget ‘on the air’ is just a small part of my job. And besides, I have a meeting with Ted today. I don’t want to go either, baby,” he kissed her forehead, “but I have no choice.”
“Okay,” she sighed, “I have to get up now anyway or I’ll be late for work. I’m working on a big campaign for Miami Motors. They’re gonna advertise on your station, too. I think they said they’re working with a guy named Nick Coleman or something. Do you know him?”
“Unfortunately,” Jonny answered putting on his clothes. “Nick’s about as sleazy as they come.”
“Yeah, I kinda sensed my client wasn’t too crazy about him.”
Jonny was dressed, faded black jeans and a red Sister Hazel t-shirt. “Sorry Jill, I have to jet.” He checked his bleach blond spikes in the mirror. “I’ll call you later.”
And just like that Jonny was out the door and in his Corvette. He flipped the radio on to the WORR morning show, Jay Jay, Loud Mike and Funny Boy. Their show was a mix of sex and rock ‘n roll. They were bawdy, rude and tried to break every rule in the book. Real guys guys, they insulted their listeners and put down women. It was a show by men, for men. It worked. Men loved the show for its honesty...and the descriptions of the hot babes visiting in the studio. Some women liked the show for its insight into the male brain. But the phenomenon of the show was the large number of women listeners who hated the show, but listened religiously to see what the chauvinist trio would say next.
It was a ratings winner.
In reality Jay Jay was gay, Loud Mike was a devout catholic with a wife and five kids and Funny Boy was, well, he was really Funny Boy. His given name was Rick Tenor and he would do anything for the show. In the course of his employment he’d run naked through the drive through of a fast food restaurant to order a burger and fries, stuffed himself into a plastic garbage can and floated in a neighborhood canal for the station’s ‘Over the Barrel for Niagara Falls’ promotion and he devoured nearly every gross food imaginable at station appearances – cow brains, giant roaches, and in ‘The Most Disgusting Concoction of All’ contest, a blended drink of mayonnaise, honey, hot dogs and chocolate. The kid was the ultimate stunt guy for a morning show and his hijinks helped bring in ratings.
“So fellas, tell me this, would you drink your wife’s milk if she was lactating?”
True to form, Jay Jay had picked his usual offensive topic.
“Well that’s utterly ridiculous,” Loud Mike replied in fits of laughter.
“You mooo-ve me man, really you do.” Jay Jay was on. The banter began.
“You’re just too much of a coward to tell me otherwise.”
“I think you both have milked this enough already.” Funny Boy always had something to add. “Besides I’d drink it. Or put it in your coffee...like I did yesterday.”
EWWWWWWW. Jay Jay played their trademark sound effect. Then the listeners started calling in. Yep, another successful show was underway.
Jonny laughed out loud in his car. The bits were even funnier to him than the listening audience because he knew the players. He could only imagine Loud Mike’s wife Colleen if she heard the show. Colleen, prim and proper, never listened to the show. Or so Mike said. No one had ever met Colleen. Like Norm’s wife Vera on the TV show, Cheers, most wondered if she really existed.
Forty minutes later, Jonny was at the station.
This time, Jonny chose not to enter through the employee entrance. He was supposed to, company policy, but he needed the thrill of adoration. The main lobby afforded him that. Jonny breezed through the big glass doors. On the walls hung gold and platinum records. Huge black leather couches housed loyal listeners waiting to pick up their prizes.
“Jonny...Jonny!” they said as if on cue, jumping up to get close to him.
Jonny Rock was in his glory.
“Hey, guys,” he shook hands as he kept walking, “gotta go to work, thanks for listening. I love you!”
“And I love you,” they chorused.
Jonny walked into the station. The day was in full swing. Two seconds into the building and Rick a.k.a. Funny Boy was at his side.
“I’m so glad you’re here man, we have an issue.”
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s Jay Jay, he’s in conflict with a salesperson.”
Jonny started walking to the studio, Rick fell in line. “Fill me in, Funny Boy.”
“Barry Corbin, tall sales guy, kinda bald...you know the one who brushes the strands over his shiny head…”
“Yeah, yeah I know who Barry is. What’s up?”
“Well he wants Jay Jay to do an endorsement for a new client, Light’s On, they sell flashlights. Jay Jay is refusing...says it doesn’t fit his image. Barry’s gonna take it to his sales manager.”
Jonny sighed. Now Jay Jay had standards. Not that he didn’t understand the principle, but you had to choose your battles and this one wasn’t worth fighting.
“Jay Jay’s gonna go ballistic. He wants to see you pronto.”
Jonny hated being bossed around by Jay Jay. Jay Jay was the highest paid member on staff and had the biggest ego.
“I’ll talk to him.”
Jonny went into the studio. “What now Jay Jay?”
“Just so you know I have five minutes before we’re back on,” Jay Jay said sharply, pointing at the clock.
Jonny wasn’t intimidated. “Funny Boy filled me in.”
“Jonny, I don’t care who Barry takes this to, I’m not endorsing freakin’ flashlights.”
“Jay Jay are they paying you to do it?”
“That’s not the point.”
“Yes or no. Are they or aren’t they.”
“Look Jonny come lately, money doesn’t mean I’ll do it.”
Jonny tried to remain calm. “Jay Jay you know the reality of the situation. If the client is spending a lot of money the station isn’t going to turn him away.”
“So let ‘em fire me. They can’t replace me so easy.”
Jonny laughed to himself. The truth was they already had a back-up in case Jay Jay left. Part of Jonny’s job was to comb the radio trades and find out which shows had contracts up. That way they always had a net, a back-up in case their morning show left or got kicked off the air by the FCC. After this morning’s topic, Jonny wasn’t sure which would happen first.
“Look Jay Jay, I’ll talk to Barry and his manager for you, but you and I both know what’s going to happen.”
“Dude, I’m not doing it.” Jay Jay put on his headphones, ensuring he had the last word. “Hey listeners...”
Jonny left the studio and walked into the WORR sales manager’s office and closed the door.
“Carlos,” he said, sitting in a chair, “we have an issue to discuss.”
Carlos Alcazaro was slick. A successful sales rep, Carlos ascended the radio ladder of success with a charismatic personality, keen business sense and expensive custom suits. He was the top biller for years. It was a natural choice for him to become sales manager of Miami’s hottest radio station. People said he could sell ice to Eskimos. It made bargaining with him hard.
“Jonny, my boy, I know all about it. I’ve already talked with Barry.” His voice had a hint of a smooth Spanish accent. He leaned forward, looking intently at Jonny. “Tell me, what are we to do?”
“Carlos, you know I respect you and what you do, but Jay Jay won’t endorse the flashlights.” Jonny may not have agreed with Jay Jay, but he would back him up no matter what. It was and always would be an us versus them, on-air versus sales, and Carlos, as nice as he was, was definitely them.
“Jonny this is a very big deal. We’re talking a fifty thousand dollar contract. That’s a lot of money, no?”
“I didn’t realize flashlights were so big.”
“Think about it Jonny. A hurricane hits, the lights black out. A flashlights store could be very big down here,” he paused for effect, “and between you and me, this guy has a lot of money to burn. He could go elsewhere, but he likes Jay Jay. He thinks people will listen to him.”
“They will,” Jonny agreed.
“I know, it baffles me, too, Jay Jay’s reluctance,” Carlos implied Jonny’s unspoken disbelief, making them partners on the issue. Yes, Carlos was good.
“Carlos, Jay Jay is firm on this.”
“Jonny we could go back and forth on this, but the fact remains, if I take this to Bill, he’s going to side with me.” Bill was Bill Fox, the radio station’s General Manager.
“I realize that may be true; however, Jay Jay is allowed to have standards.” It was hard for Jonny to say that with a straight face.
Carlos laughed. “Please Jonny, he was talking about drinking breast milk this morning. You can only take this standards argument so far.” Carlos folded his hands in front of him. “Here are the facts. Jay Jay will get paid for every live spot he does. Maybe you can remind Mr. Jay Jay he has to talk to fill the time anyway, these extra words he gets paid for. So, do not say we are not thinking of his best interest.”
Jonny nodded.
“Now, the client is planning on doing five live spots a morning. That’s a lot of extra cash for doing what you’re already getting paid for. Right now, the client is talking about a two month run with live appearances by Jay Jay and the gang. Now, true, they may not do five spots a day for more than a few weeks before they scale it down, but you do the math. We’re talking thousands of extra dollars for Mr. Jay Jay. So why don’t you take this information to him and see if he does not realize he loves flashlights, too.” He tapped his calculator. “And don’t forget to mention the extras.”
Jonny couldn’t say much. “Okay, Carlos, I’ll talk to him.”
“Thank you Jonny, you’re a smart man.”