39
Shanna was getting ready for another night out when we came back from dinner. She was freshly showered and sitting in front of her closet door full-length mirror, putting on eye makeup.
“Don’t mind me, I’m just getting ready and going back out.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, kind of hoping she would stick around and I could use her as a buffer. “I don’t want to make you – ”
“Naaah, it’s cool. I actually like the guy I hooked up with last night. We’re gonna go get trashed and then go back to his place again.”
“Wow. Classy,” Kevin sneered.
Shanna glared at him in the mirror. “ORRR, on second thought, I could just hang out here with YOU all night.”
Kevin blanched. “Sorry.”
“Tell her thank you,” I prompted him.
“Thank you,” he said, with a good dose of sincerity.
“Yeah, you better thank me,” Shanna muttered as she went back to putting on eyeliner. “We both know Kaitlyn’s too straight-laced to f*ck with somebody else in the room, so the only reason you’re gettin’ some is ‘cause I’m gettin’ some.”
“She is pretty straight-laced,” Kevin teased me.
It was a transparent attempt to get back in Shanna’s good graces – and it didn’t work.
“Pot and kettle, dude,” she muttered. “Just sayin’.”
He tried again, which was kind of pathetic to watch. “Who’s more straight-laced, do you think? Me or her?”
Shanna got a mischievous gleam in her eye. “Oh, her, definitely. Like Ferris Bueller said, if you stick a lump of coal up her ass, you’d have a diamond in a week.”
She grinned and shot me an impish look in the mirror.
I just glared at her.
“By the way, some dude came by to see you,” Kevin said.
Shanna frowned. “Who?”
“He had a bunch of tattoos.” He turned to me. “What was his name? Derek – yeah, Derek.”
Though a player in her own right, Shanna wasn’t quite as fast on the uptake. She actually turned around, she was so surprised. “Derek came by to see me?!”
“Yeah, he said he was checking in after that time he came home with you and you passed out on him and he left,” I said as fast as I could, ratta-tat-tat like a machinegun.
Now she got it.
She wasn’t nice as Derek was, though.
She twisted the knife – and enjoyed it.
“Ohhhhhhh yeeeaaah,” she said, as though just now remembering. “What happened after I passed out, exactly?”
“He left,” I said icily.
“Ohhhhhh,” she said, visibly amused, and went back to her makeup. “I wouldn’t know. I was passed out. Next time he comes back, I’ll try not to pass out again.”
I grimaced. “You do that.”
Kevin had no idea what was going on, but he enjoyed seeing our formerly united front go down in flames. All he needed was a tub of popcorn and a drink, and he would have enjoyed it more than the movie.
Thank God he didn’t ask for more details after she left.
40
We had sex again after the DVD of Silver Linings Playbook was over.
I should have been raring to go. I love that movie – especially the way it ends. The look on Jennifer Lawrence’s face in the last shot is the way I want to feel when I’m in love.
Unfortunately, I didn’t feel that way now. In fact, the movie was kind of a dispiriting contrast to my current feelings.
As I went through the motions, I refused to think of Derek. I was tired of the guilt, and I resolved not to go there again.
When Kevin moved to go down on me, I stopped him.
“Just hold me,” I whispered. “I’m going to miss you… I just want you to hold me.”
So he did. We cuddled, and it was nice.
And this time I didn’t have to hate myself as I fell asleep.
41
We got up at 6AM. He had to be off by 7 for the fifteen-hour drive back to Syracuse, so I fixed a quick breakfast of instant oatmeal, bananas, and coffee while he showered down the hall in the guys’ dorm bathroom.
Afterwards I accompanied him down to the street in a t-shirt, PJ bottoms, and flip-flops.
“I’m so glad I got to see you,” he said as we hugged and kissed by his car. “You happy I came down?”
“Of course. Text me when you get in? No matter how late?”
“You don’t want me to call?” he asked, slightly offended.
“Shanna might be asleep. I don’t want to wake her up.”
“Oh… okay, sure.” He stared deeply into my eyes. “Are we okay?”
“Yes, of course!” I smiled reassuringly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m more than okay,” he smiled, and hugged me close. “I can’t wait till school is over… and then next year…”
“It’s going to be great,” I said as we held each other. “Everything’s going to be great.”
In retrospect, I wonder if I was honestly looking forward to it… or if I was trying to reassure myself.
42
I trudged back upstairs and collapsed in bed, then fell asleep for another couple of hours.
When I woke up again, my first thought wasn’t of Kevin, or of how nice the weekend had been, or how his scent still lingered on my sheets.
It was of Derek.
I wondered if I was ever going to see him again.
Part of me would have been relieved if he had decided he hated me and was going to stay away. The safe part of me, I should say – the part that knew my future was with Kevin in Syracuse.
But another part of me was anxious beyond belief.
I got up, showered, got dressed, and started studying.
Every fifteen minutes or so, I glanced at my phone, halfway wishing Derek had a cell so I could call him and…
…and what?
Just say ‘hey’?
Tell him, ‘I know I’m back with my boyfriend and all, but I hope we can go on some more dates’?
I told myself I was horrible for stringing Derek along, and even more horrible for thinking of someone else when I was with Kevin.
But I still kept looking at the damn cell phone every fifteen minutes.
43
Shanna came back around dinner time.
“So you two patched it all back up, huh?” she asked.
“Yeah. Thanks for letting me have the room both nights.”
“No problem.” She yawned and swapped out her club clothes for a shower robe. “Aren’t you going to thank me for the other thing?”
“What other thing?”
“The ‘not busting your ass about Derek in front of your boyfriend’ thing?”
Oh. THAT other thing.
“…thank you,” I said grudgingly. “Though there wasn’t anything to bust me on.”
“Ha! I don’t think your boyfriend would see it that way.”
No, he definitely would not have.
And this once, out of all the hundreds of times he had been a suspicious jerk, he would have been right.
Shanna got her stuff together for the shower down the hall. “You do know your boyfriend is a dweeb, right?”
“He’s not a dweeb,” I protested.
“He’s kind of a dweeb,” Shanna said, as though breaking bad news that I obviously didn’t want to accept. “And you do know that Derek is a grade-A hunk of man-meat, right? I mean, like, a dream lay, right?”
“Who sleeps with anything with a pulse,” I snapped.
“Um, not so much,” she said, annoyed, and gestured to herself like Vanna White might to a vowel. “Exhibit A.”
Oh yeah.
“Sorry,” I mumbled.
“You should be, since it’s your fault,” she said, though she sounded like she was ribbing me more than she was upset with me. “Anyway, you do know he’s a grade-A hunk of – ”
“Man-meat, yes, got it.”
“Okay. Just checkin’ that your brain still works.” She paused and cocked her head to one side. “That might be your problem, though.”
“What?”
“Your brain. That’s all you ever think with. You should try thinking once in awhile with another part of your body. And by ‘another part of your body’ I mean – ”
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I said snarkily. “That’s your specialty, not mine.”
She shook her head as she walked out the door. “You should try it sometime. Why pass up a chance at something amazing for something you don’t really want?”
I frowned and turned around. “What do you mean, something I don’t really – ”
But she was already gone.
When she got back from the showers, I didn’t ask again.
I didn’t want to hear the answer… because, deep down, I was afraid she was right.
44
Kevin texted at 1AM. Considering stops to refuel, go to the bathroom, and grab food, he’d made pretty good time.
Got in safe.
Good, I texted back. Okay drive?
Terrible… but I had good memories to help me.
I smiled and texted back a smiley face.
Shanna asleep?
Yes, I texted, even though it wasn’t true. She was up cramming for a test the next morning, music blaring through her earbuds.
Okay… go to bed.
Already there.
Thinking of me? he asked with a winking smiley face.
Of course, I texted back, with another winking smiley.
Did I wake you?
I lied again.
I was dozing, waiting for your text.
I didn’t want to tell him that I’d been lying in bed for the last three hours, hoping to hear a knock on the door.
Okay, go to sleep, he answered..
You too.
I love you.
Love you too.
That was it for the texts, though I still couldn’t sleep for another hour.
The knock on the door never came.
45
Not until Monday evening, that is.
I was studying and glancing at my cell phone every ten minutes when I heard the sharp rap rap rap on the wood.
I fairly bounded up out of my chair and flung open the door.
There he was, gorgeous and grinning at me.
My heart thudded in my chest.
He looked past me theatrically, as though searching the room. “Sooooo, I came to see Shanna again – ”
“You don’t have to pretend, he left yesterday morning.”
“Oh, no, I actually came to see Shanna,” he said earnestly. “I figured I’d take her up on that ‘rock my world’ offer.”
My mouth dropped open and I stared at him like he’d just admitted he liked eating fried puppies.
He broke down at that point, and staggered backwards as he pointed and laughed at me. “Oh my God, that was priceless – you should see your face – I wish I had a picture of that – ”
“YOU ASSHOLE!” I shouted, then started laughing along with him. It was impossible not to.
He tried to keep the joke going with a straight face, but failed badly. “Hey – Shanna’s single, I’m single – I figure, ‘why not?’”
“Well, you’re out of luck, ASSHOLE, because she’s not here,” I said, half-pissed-off, half-grinning.
“Oh, well… I guess you’ll do, then,” he said, wiping a tear from his eye.
“Really.”
“Yeah. I’m starving – you wanna get something to eat with me?”
I knew I shouldn’t. I knew I really, really shouldn’t.
“Yes.”
46
I drove us downtown in my car, and we decided on Five Guys Burgers. It was pretty crowded inside – lots of students studying for exams, or pretending to, anyway. A lot of them were talking, so it was pretty loud.
I started to order dine-in when we got to the cashier, but Derek stopped me. “It’s pretty noisy in here… can we take it to go?”
“Yeah, sure,” I said. “If you let me pay.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “I thought we were supposed to go Dutch.”
“I’ve seen where you live. It’s a pity date, on me,” I teased him.
“Oh, well, if you’re going to emasculate me entirely, by all means, I want a double burger with the works,” he grinned.
That’s how we ended up eating takeout across the street, in a deserted faculty parking lot, sitting on the trunk of my car.
We bantered a bit and chatted about how great Five Guys was… and then finally he said, “So… did you have a good weekend?”
I shifted uncomfortably on the trunk and wouldn’t look at him. “…yeah. It was nice.”
“It was ‘nice’? That’s it, that’s all you’ve got to say?”
I scowled at him. “What do you want to hear, about how much crazy sex we had?”
He winced just the slightest. Barely enough to detect – but it was there.
I liked seeing him react like that.
And that worried me a little.
But he played it off.
“No, I definitely don’t want to hear about that,” he said in a tone like I had just suggested I tell him all about feminine hygiene products.
“Well… we didn’t, anyway, so there’s nothing to hear about,” I mumbled, and immediately thought, Why the hell did I just say that?
Derek looked at me like I had an alien growing out of my forehead. “You didn’t have sex?”
“N-no, we had sex,” I stuttered.
And I thought of you so I could come.
I blushed furiously.
Thank God it was too dark for him to see it.
“So why’d you say you didn’t?” he asked, puzzled.
“I… it just wasn’t crazy sex, that’s all,” I said, blushing even harder.
“Ohhhhhh,” he said knowingly, and sipped on his drink as punctuation. “Yeah.”
“What does that mean?”
He grinned. “No offense to your boyfriend, but… I don’t exactly see that guy making you scream his name over and over.”
That got me angry. “For your information, he’s very good in bed.”
I mean, I thought Kevin was good in bed.
I’d only been with one guy – him – so I didn’t have much to compare him to. But I was happy.
Or… I’d been happy before this weekend.
Well… minus a half-dozen breakups or so.
Derek started to say something – then caught himself and raised a hand in a conciliatory gesture. “My bad. I shouldn’t be bagging on your boyfriend. Sorry.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I just mumbled, “…apology accepted.”
“Cool.”
“Besides,” I said in a voice that was probably close to lecturing, “it’s not all about sex.”
“That’s what they tell me.”
What the hell does THAT mean? I thought, but was afraid to go there.
“Besides, we… we have a lot of history,” I said. “We’ve been together three and a half years.”
Derek whistled. “Damn, that’s a long time.”
“Yeah, for somebody who can’t make it past three days,” I teased him.
“Hey – I don’t bag on your boyfriend, you don’t bag on me,” he said good-naturedly.
“…fair enough,” I agreed.
We ate in silence for another ten seconds… but something compelled me to keep opening my mouth and talking.
“And I’m going to Syracuse next year, and we’re both going to be journalists – ”
Derek looked as though somebody had punched him. “Whoa – wait up. You’re going there, too?”
“Yeah.”
“You mean, you’re going to school there?” he asked, his eyes wide. “Not just to visit?”
“…yeah,” I said, taken aback by how shocked he seemed. “Next fall.”
He was frowning now. “Why?”
He was starting to freak me out a little. “Because it has an awesome journalism school.”
“I thought UGA had a really good one.”
“It does… but Syracuse is better. I think. Plus, Kevin’s there – that was our plan ever since we were juniors in high school – ”
Derek put down his food as though he’d lost his appetite.
I stared at him. “Are you okay?”
He stayed silent for several seconds.
“No, not really,” he finally said.
My stomach began to tighten.
“…what’s wrong?”
“‘What’s wrong?’” He looked at me like I was clueless. “The girl I’m totally in love with is leaving next week to go a thousand miles away, that’s what’s wrong.”
As soon as he said the girl I’m totally in love with, my heart almost broke through my ribs.
I put down my food, too. I suddenly wasn’t hungry, either.
“I’m not actually going next week,” I mumbled. “I’m just… going home…”
“You know what I mean.”
I did.
“…I thought you knew,” I said quietly. “About next year.”
“No, you kind of neglected to tell me that part.”
“What did you think I was going to do?”
“I thought you were going to go back home for the summer, and you’d eventually break up with him, and then you’d be back here in the fall. With me.”
He said with ME with such passion, with such ferocity, that I had to steady myself on the car, I got so weak.
He turned and stared at me. Looked at my lips… and then looked into my eyes.
And then leaned forward to kiss me.
I put out a hand to ward him off.
“No,” I said, my voice anguished.
He kept pressing forward, his lips within an inch of mine –
I scrambled back across the trunk, my body trembling.
But it was trembling with disappointment and heartache, not fear.
“No, I… I can’t,” I whispered.
“Why not?” he demanded – not angrily, but bewildered, like he couldn’t understand and desperately wanted to.
I sat there for a long, long moment, completely silent.
When I finally answered, I had to stifle a sob.
“My… my mother… she cheated on my dad when I was a kid.”
Getting those words out was incredibly painful, like pulling out an infected splinter… but it was a relief to finally say it. I’d never told anyone about it, not even my closest girlfriends when I was a teenager.
As soon as I said it, Derek’s body slumped the tiniest bit.
“Oh,” he said, as though he finally understood.
“It almost destroyed my family. Actually, it did destroy my family. Even though they stayed together, it was never the same.”
He nodded somberly. “…I can imagine.”
“That’s why I can’t… do anything with you. I don’t want… I can’t cheat on him,” I said, almost pleading with him.
He was silent a long time.
Then he nodded gently. “I understand.”
“…you… you do?”
“Yeah.” Then his voice changed from somber to playful, although he managed to not sound callous as he said it: “You should break UP with him so you’re not cheating on him, but… you can get around to that soon enough.”
“I’m not going to break up with him,” I whispered.
He shrugged noncommittally, like, If you say so.
“He’s a good guy,” I insisted.
“I know he is.”
I frowned. “How do you know?”
“Because if you love him, he’s got to be a good guy.”
That knocked the wind out of me.
I didn’t say anything for a long while.
“Do you love him?” Derek asked quietly.
“I… yes.”
It didn’t sound convincing, even to me.
“Are you in love with him?” Derek asked.
“It’s the same thing.”
“No, it’s not. You can love somebody and care about them deeply… but being in love with somebody is your heart skipping a beat when they walk in the room. It’s waking up happy because you know you get to see them that day. You can’t wait to be with them again, and leaving them is torture.”
Derek’s words…
…it hurt my heart to hear them.
I tried to play it off by teasing him. “So your heart skips a beat when I walk in the room?”
But he answered me sincerely… and passionately.
“Yes.”
I didn’t say anything to that, because I was afraid I was going to cry.
He kept going.
“When you walk in the room, Kaitlyn – God, the way you walk… the way you swing your hips, and toss your hair… the way you smile at me? My heart stops every time.”
“That just sounds like you want to sleep with me,” I said, though without accusation.
“I do want to sleep with you. Badly. But I know the difference between being in love and being in lust. And I’m in love with you.”
I had to turn away. It was too intense – his gaze, his words… everything.
I was afraid of what I might do.
“Does he make your heart stop when he walks in a room?” Derek asked, his voice almost a whisper.
I looked out into the darkness, away from where I really wanted to look. “…I really care about him.”
“I didn’t ask you that.”
“…yes.”
“Yes, what?”
“Yes, my heart stops when he walks in the room.”
It was a lie.
And Derek knew it.
But he was too kind to call me on it.
There was a long, long silence, and then he said, “Lucky guy.”
He got off the trunk of the car, then walked around in front of me.
I looked at him, my heart thudding in my chest.
I thought he was going to try to kiss me again –
– and part of me desperately wanted him to.
But part of me was terrified.
Because I wasn’t sure I could resist this time.
But instead he wrapped his arms around me – those massive, powerful arms – and cradled me against him.
I could feel every curve of his chest, the firm hardness of his muscles. And I could hear his heart beating against my ear.
Then he released me and backed up a few feet.
“I… I need to get back.”
I inhaled raggedly, my breath taken away. Then I nodded and got off the car, dumped the leftovers in the takeout bag, and went to the driver’s side door.
Derek hadn’t moved.
“Aren’t you coming?” I asked.
He smiled… but it was a sad smile.
“No… I need to walk.”
I felt fear rising in me a little. “I can drive you, it’s not a problem – ”
“I know. But I need to walk. I just… I need to be alone for a little while.”
The fear was turning to panic.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you mad at me?”
He smiled and shook his head. “No.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
“I want you… and I can’t have you. That’s what’s wrong.”
We stood there in silence, staring at each other in the shadows.
“I’ll see you tomorrow. Around four,” he said quietly, and then he turned around and disappeared into the darkness.
I watched him leave, then got in my car and sat there, stunned.
And burst into tears.