How embarrassing was that?
It was a long time ago and I didn’t remember what I wrote in my diary. What I did remember was that it was nearly all about Lee and all of it was very personal.
I pressed my hands against his chest and tilted my chin down so I couldn’t see him.
I was never going to live this down. It felt like my whole body was on fire with mortification. I had to get the fuck out of there before I exploded. I was the Embarrassment Bomb.
“Indy.”
“You shouldn’t have read my diary. That was low,” I told his chest. “But it was a long time ago. Things change, I’ve changed. I don’t feel that way anymore.”
“That’s why you made chocolate cream pie last night.”
I lifted my head and glared at him. “You’d had a hard couple of days, I was trying to be nice.”
“Last night was nice, very nice.”
“Go to hell.”
I was too embarrassed for compliments or to be fair or rational. I just wanted to get away.
“Considering I’ve finally had you, had you in three different rooms, and feel pretty fuckin’ pleased about that, I’ll let that comment slide,” he said, sounding like he was beginning to get annoyed.
“Nice of you.”
I bucked again to get away and he rolled on top of me.
“Settle down,” he ordered.
“Get off me.”
“Right,” he clipped, (yep, definitely annoyed), “shut up and listen to me.”
My eyes rounded with anger, about to pop out of my head. Before I could say a word, he started talking.
“First of all, back then, you were underage. No way I could touch you, legally. Not the way I wanted to anyway. There aren’t a lot of people whose opinions I care about but your father’s is one of them. He’d have lost his mind if we’d hooked up then because my reputation wasn’t exactly unearned.”
This was true.
I still glared at him.
“It wasn’t easy to keep sayin’ no, you’re fucking gorgeous and always were. I wanted you then but you were a wild child. Everyone knew you were a handful. I wasn’t gonna go near you until you calmed down. It might be entertaining to watch when you’re removed, but if you’d been mine, you’d have driven me up the wall. I knew myself well enough to know that.”
This might have been true but I certainly didn’t want to hear it.
“Regardless of that, I intended to have you, one day, and that was always at the back of my mind, so I considered you mine even when you weren’t. It was common knowledge our families were close. Half the assholes I knew came to me tellin’ me they wanted a piece of you, the other half lyin’ about havin’ a piece. Why do you think I fought so goddamned much?”
Yikes.
That was news.
He went on. “I knew I had to get my shit together before I got us together. By the time that happened, you were avoiding me. We’ve discussed this part, without much of your honest participation. This brings us to now.”
He stared at me.
I kept my mouth shut.
“You can jump in anytime you feel like it,” he said.
Hmm, sarcasm.
“You shouldn’t have read my diary,” I snapped.
“Get over it.”
“I’m not gonna get over it. That’s personal. How I feel about you should be for me to tell you.”
He waited a beat.
“Point taken.”
That’s as far as he went, no apology and no remorse.
Jerk.
“I was a young girl with an infatuation. You shouldn’t mistake who I was for who I am now.”
Lee made no comment.
“That said, I am what I am. I’m still a wild child, I still do stupid, crazy things. I listen to rock ‘n’ roll, loud. I lip sync with drag queens. I find it fun to try to out-attitude the Sushi Den hostesses and sometimes, Ally and me even joyride around Denver. I haven’t changed and you can’t control me. If you even want to, I’m gone.”
“There’s a difference between controlling and protecting,” he remarked.
“Yeah, be careful not to cross that line. A line, I might add, you crossed this morning.” I was on a roll. “And while we’re talking about control, I may not have changed, but you have. The Lee I thought I loved when I was a teenager is not you.”
That pissed him off and his eyes narrowed. “I’m not hiding anything.”
“Do you mean to imply that I am?”
“Jesus, Indy, if you had the wall around you any more fortified, it’d be so deep you’d be in fucking Mexico.”
“I’ve always let it all hang out!”
“Bullshit.”
I made an angry noise that sounded like someone had punched me in the stomach.
“You got something to say?” I demanded.
His face changed, there was something there I’d never seen before. Something the looks of which scared the hell out of me.