But this was far from a perfect world.
And, I wondered, was Hector one of the ones who “fucked around, caused them problems”?
I didn’t get a chance to ask (not that I would), because he kept talking.
“I don’t know how you grew up but I watched you with your father when I was on the inside, mamita, and, at first, I didn’t understand it. When I did, it turned my stomach.”
I drew in breath and held it.
I didn’t know what I expected from this first thing in the morning talk where I didn’t get to talk but that wasn’t it.
I had forgotten, or chosen not to remember, how much he’d been around. My father kept him close, he liked him, trusted him, he even told me he was grooming Hector for “big things”. In the end, Hector had been around loads.
It didn’t occur to me what he would see or even that he was watching. It really didn’t occur to me that he’d have any reaction to it. No one cared about me or what I was going through. Not only did I suspect they didn’t care, I also I didn’t tell anyone and I hid behind The Ice just in case anyone got close.
But, somehow, it appeared Hector had seen through all that.
And furthermore, what he said meant he cared.
I didn’t know how that made me feel except the weird, happy glow was trying to push through.
Then, I felt his mouth touch my neck and he kissed me there and it took an immense effort of will to hold the glow back because him kissing my neck could only mean one thing and I couldn’t allow myself to believe in it. Believing in it would set me up as the fool or worse, let him get close and that couldn’t happen.
“That isn’t family, Sadie,” he told me softly, obviously unaware of my inner turmoil. “I don’t know what it is but it sure as fuck isn’t family.”
With no choice (other than to suffocate), I let out my breath on the word, “Okay.”
His arm gave me a squeeze. “I don’t know what you got inside you that helps you deal. I don’t know, growin’ up with that, how you managed. But I’m thinkin’ your mother gave you some of it and the other part comes from you or at least the you I had yesterday morning.”
At his reminder of yesterday morning, my body went tight and so did his arm.
“Don’t fuckin’ shut down on me,” he warned and he sounded like he meant it.
Oh my.
I forced my body to relax, it was difficult but I did it so I could get this over with and fast.
When my body relaxed, so did his arm.
“Now, we got a situation. I don’t have many choices in this situation and none of them are good. But I made a decision and you gotta know what it is.”
Oh my, oh my, oh my.
Hector’s made a decision.
This, I figured, did not bode well for me.
I wasn’t wrong.
“I want you,” he said into the back of my neck, his hand moving up to curl around my breast in a way that was so possessive, I found myself holding my breath again while he went on. “I’ve wanted you a long time, longer than you know. Before you came into your father’s office that night, well before. I lost control that night, fucked up, let things lie the way they were. I should have talked to you. I didn’t. I didn’t think it was safe. After your father went down, I should have come to you. I didn’t. It was the wrong choice. Now, something shitty has happened to you and I felt I needed to proceed with caution. I couldn’t come on strong, not after what Ricky did to you. I couldn’t push it, I didn’t want you thinkin’ you were movin’ from under your father’s thumb to under mine. I could have stepped back but that would mean I wouldn’t be where I wanted to be, which is right here.” His fingers at my breast squeezed and I felt my stomach perform a happy pitch. I tried to ignore that too (and failed).
He kept talking. “I felt I was makin’ progress until yesterday morning. Now, you got some fucked up idea in your head about what happened and you gotta get this Sadie, so listen. It’s important. Because I want that girl. That’s who I’m doin’ all this for ‘cause that girl is the real you, the one who loses control and takes what she wants and gives back without racking up the debt. And she doesn’t give a fuck about what her actions say and what people will think.”
I was breathing heavily now, wanting to block out his words but with him there, all around me, I couldn’t.
He kept at me.
“So, I’ve made a decision. I’m not fuckin’ around with this anymore.”
He wasn’t fucking around with this anymore?
What did that mean?
Had he been fucking around before?
He kept going, “I want the real you. To get that, I’m givin’ you the real me. I’m not gonna hold anything back.”
Oh my God!
He’d been holding back?
How could he be holding back?
He kept talking, “And I’m bettin’ that the real you’ll be able to deal, we’ll ride this out and get to the other side.”
Oh no.
No we wouldn’t.
No… we… would… not.