“I had no idea who they were, what they wanted. I was relatively famous, I had money. I thought I could bargain with them. I didn’t know they wanted my father dead or they wanted him to pay, not with money, they wanted revenge. It was about revenge. They had no clue our father didn’t give a shit about us and I had no idea what I was doin’ but I was desperate so I did it anyway.”
He paused and stared at me.
I waited then asked careful y, “What happened then?” He kept staring at me a beat then he continued, “I got cocky and gettin’ cocky means bein’ stupid but I was desperate and cocky so that’s a whole other scale of stupid. I fed the media stories. I thought to put pressure on them, a sixteen year old girl losin’ a hand, didn’t read wel in the papers. They didn’t give a shit about their reputations.
They didn’t even care if they came out alive. They were kamikazes, workin’ for a larger organization, doin’ a job for the greater whole. Makin’ a statement in a world that didn’t see the light of day. It wouldn’t matter how much the papers tried to dig up, they wouldn’t find anything. These guys were underground, when I say that I mean underground.” He paused, his intense eyes burning into me and I nodded, thinking he wanted to know that I understood.
Once I nodded, Mace kept speaking.
“The FBI knew what they were up against but they didn’t share this with me. I put pressure on them too. Fed what I thought was their bul shit to the media to get them to move.
It worked. They moved. They had to. It was a PR nightmare for them, Caitlin’s pictures in the paper and on the news every day. The way she looked. They had to make it go away. They knew Caitlin wouldn’t survive. What I didn’t know was, they were tryin’ to keep me alive.” He stopped, I nodded again and he kept going.
“I made it hard on them. I struck a deal with the kidnappers. Me for her. They sent me in, vest, helmet. I got in there and saw her. They’d had her three weeks by then but she’d lost so much fuckin’ weight, weight she couldn’t afford to lose. Her hair was… ” He stopped, closed his eyes, my heart slid up into my throat and he opened his eyes again and kept right on going. “I didn’t take much in. I was only there seconds. They had a gun to her head, blew it off, right in front of me then turned the guns on me. I took a number of hits and went down. They turned the guns on themselves. They were al dead by the time SWAT and the Feds got there.”
He stopped talking and I stayed where I was. My heart was stil in my throat, I could feel it beating there.
Final y, when he didn’t start again, I asked, “Mace, can I come to you now?”
He answered immediately, “No. I’m not done.” What else can there be? My brain asked.
Quiet! I snapped back.
“After that, I gave up everything, went to ground, disappeared. I joined an organization, I can’t tel you who and I never wil . They trained me. It was specialized training and I needed that training. I did what I had to do to get the job I had to get done, done. Then, for years, I did what I did for them at the same time I did what I had to do for Caitlin. I found out my father was involved and how. I can’t tel you about any of this shit. If you know, far worse people than Sidney Carter would want you dead and they’d be able to do it. Al you gotta know is that by the time I left, I did what I had to do for Caitlin. The person who gave the order to take her isn’t breathing anymore, Stel a, and I’m the reason he’s not. He died like she did, exactly like she did, I made sure of that.”
I swal owed, it was hard, considering I had a huge organ in my throat but I pushed the saliva down.
He kept right on talking and I thought that it was strange and alarming that his voice didn’t change. It was strong and sharp and completely devoid of emotion.
“I did shit I’m not proud of and lived in a world you wouldn’t be able to imagine and I don’t give a fuck. I did what I had to do for Caitlin and I got no problem with that. I can live with it.” He paused, his arms crossed on his chest then he asked, “The question is, can you?” Oh hel .
I didn’t know what to say. I needed some processing time and not the kind that involved sex.
When I hesitated, Mace kept at me and he was relentless.
“You told my father he had enough black marks on his soul to send him straight to hel . You gotta know, the heart you want into has its own strikes against it. No way to wash off the shit I did, it’s marked deep. That the kind of man you want sleepin’ in your bed?”
“Wel , you haven’t given me much choice up to now,” I replied.
“Now you got that choice.”
“You’ve never asked me these kinds of questions before,” I told him.
“I never expected you to learn this shit before.” I blinked. “You were going to keep it from me?”