Rock All Night

87




I loved him for that.

I loved him for standing up for me. I loved him for being my knight in shining armor. I loved him for ripping Glen a new one (even if Glen had a point, and even if Derek did it partly because he had his own issues with the press).

In that moment, all the other crap fell away, and I absolutely, positively loved him.

What bothered me, though, was that neither he nor I ever said it.

The ‘L’ word.

And the longer it went on like that, the more it bothered me.

I had wanted desperately to say it to him right after he hung up the phone –

…but…

…I didn’t.

I’d always felt that the guy should say it first.

Partly because guys are a whole lot more freaky about it in general, and you don’t want to spook the horse before he gets to the water.

Also, I’d heard plenty of horror stories about the girl going first. My favorite one (as in the most cringe-worthy) was a story in some national magazine – Esquire, I think. In it, the author has been dating this woman for a few months, and he really, really likes her.

Anyway, they go away together on a weekend trip for the first time. They get a room, and the guy opens the curtains, looks outside, and says, “Lovely view.”

The woman mishears him and says, “Awww – I love you, too!”

And the last line of the article was, “I broke up with her the next day.”

Stories like that were what kept me from saying anything at all.

Besides, it wasn’t like he hadn’t already said it… albeit four years ago.

I’m in love with your roommate.

Maybe you can’t LOVE somebody if you don’t know them, but you can definitely fall in love. You know how I know? Because I’ve already fallen in love with you.

What’s wrong? The girl I’m totally in love with is leaving next week to go a thousand miles away, that’s what’s wrong.

Have a wonderful life. I love you.

What had happened in the last four years?

What had happened that he couldn’t say it now?

Was it that we’d spent four years apart, and his feelings had changed?

Was it that I’d done something wrong?

Had our moment just passed, and now it was over?

What worried me most was that maybe he didn’t have any stories, or any insecurities, or anything at all keeping him from saying it. Maybe he just didn’t even think of saying it.

Because it wasn’t true.

That was the worst possibility of all.