Rock All Night

68




Derek and I only stayed a little bit longer in Ryan and Killian’s cabin. At some point he nudged me and whispered naughtily, “Let’s go back.”

By this time, all my freaked-outness about God and doggie angels and staying on the boat had subsided, and I was just enjoying being warm and comfortable in Derek’s arms. So I agreed. “Okay.”

“We’re heading back,” Derek announced to his bandmates

Killian just nodded and continued playing weird, atonal melodies on the guitar.

Ryan looked at me searchingly. “You okay, Kaitlyn?”

“Yeah… thanks.”

“No problem. If you need anything, just call me.”

Derek frowned. “Why would she need you? She’s got me.”

Ryan let that one go, and just smiled. “See you two tomorrow morning.”

When we got back to the cabin, Derek started to kiss me. Though my high wasn’t as strong as before, the sensations were still magical: I seemed to be able to feel every little caress in minute detail.

I was just starting to get really into it when he backed away from me.

“What did Ryan mean about if you need anything, to call him?”

I stared at him, trying to focus on his eyes in the shadows. “What? …why?”

“I want to know.”

“I don’t know. I guess if I got freaked out.”

“Why would you get freaked out?”

I frowned, starting to get the slightest bit angry. “Oh, I don’t know, maybe because that’s the way I was most of the afternoon?”

Derek seemed genuinely surprised. “What?”

“Back in the desert?” I said sarcastically. “‘Don’t get off the boat’? ‘We should go back, we might die’? Ring a bell? I was pretty messed up there for awhile.”


“…you were?”

The depth of his cluelessness baffled and angered me.

Hadn’t he been paying attention at all?

“I was totally freaking out!”

He looked slightly abashed. “I’m sorry… I didn’t know…”

“How could you not know?!”

He shrugged. “I was high.”

…oh, yeah…

Well… I suppose that’s a pretty good reason…

But it didn’t seem like he should be able to get away with it that easily.

“What did you think was going on with me?!”

“I don’t know… I guess I just thought you weren’t that into it.”

That was the understatement of the year.

“You were making fun of me and getting all impatient!” I complained.

“When?” he asked, mystified.

“Are you serious?!”

“Yeah.”

He seemed sincere, which pissed me off even more.

“When we were just starting, you got mad because I was worried!”

“Oh, that,” he said, brushing it off a bit too cavalierly for my tastes. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I just wanted you to have a good time.”

“Well then, maybe you shouldn’t have told me I was going to have a bad trip if I didn’t lighten up!”

He stood there silently for a moment.

“…is that it?” he finally asked.

Is that IT?!

Now I was hopping mad.

“You ignored me the entire time!”

“No I didn’t!” he protested. “We made out some – we talked – ”

“Not much! You were always off with Killian!”

“Well, you were always hanging off of Ryan,” he said darkly.

Finally I understood.

“You’re jealous,” I said, amazed.

“No I’m not,” he protested.

“Yes you are.”

“I just want to know why you kept walking with him, that’s all.”

“Because he was keeping me from totally losing it,” I snapped.

“I could have done that, if you’d’ve just let me know – ”

“Which you would have known if you were paying the slightest bit of attention to me instead of hanging out with Killian the whole time!”

When I figured out he was jealous, I’d momentarily forgotten my anger – mostly because I was so shocked (and secretly a little pleased) – but now it was back in full force. I pulled away from him and went over to the window, where I stared out into the darkness.

It’s funny, I hadn’t been angry about that afternoon at all until we started talking about it.

I suppose I had just accepted my experiences as par for the course when taking illegal substances.

Either that, or I hadn’t realized there was anything to be angry about because I had been so out of it.

But now that my head was clearing, I felt like I had been standing in front of a giant painting of sunflowers for hours, and just now somebody had pointed to it and said, “See that? See alllllll that yellow?”

Hadn’t even noticed it before.

And now it’s all I could see.

There was a moment’s silence. Then Derek walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged it off.

“Hey,” he said gently. “Hey.”

I hugged myself like I was cold.

That just made me think of earlier, when I’d been cold out in the desert – and he hadn’t even noticed.

I didn’t want to be there right now.

I didn’t want him to be there right now.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered behind me.

The tight ball of anger in my chest relaxed the tiniest bit.

I felt his arms circle my waist, and I could feel him press up against me. Could feel the warmth of his body radiating into me.

“You’re right. I f*cked up. I should have been there for you.”

The anger was slowly lessening… but I still wanted to hang onto it. Wanted to milk it some more, I guess.

“Yeah, you should have,” I said in a clipped voice…

…even though inside me I was saying, Make me believe you mean it.

“I’m sorry. You’re my girlfriend, you shouldn’t have to have another guy take care of you when you needed me, even if it was my best friend. I should’ve been there for you. It won’t happen again.”

“I – ”

The drugs were still muddying my brain, because it took a second for the words to register.

When they did, it was like an earthquake inside me.

I wheeled around. “I’m your girlfriend?”

I could see the edge of his face lit by starlight from the window. He was smiling.

“Of course you are,” he whispered.

I just stood there in shock, my mouth slightly open.

He must have misinterpreted my silence, because I heard an edge of alarm creep into his voice. “I mean… if you want to be…”

I stood there for a few seconds more, just totally overcome.

And then I answered with my body.

I crushed myself against him, took his face in my hands, and kissed him hard.

He returned it passionately. I felt his powerful arms encircle me, hold me close to him, press me tight against him.

When I finally pulled away, my chest heaving, I looked into his eyes.

“Yes,” I whispered. “Yes.”