There was a pause before he asked, “Is Car okay?”
“Tonight, we saw his dad.”
“Fuck,” Linus muttered.
“He, well… Linus, he… ran away,” I shared, guilt plaguing me that I gave Joker’s friend that weakness, but something stronger was driving me onward. “My Carson… my Joker isn’t about that.”
“No,” Linus bit off.
“I saw the cigarette burns,” I confided.
“Yeah, Mrs. Heely told me about that,” he replied immediately. “She saw ’em too when Car was eight.”
Oh no.
Eight?
“Before my time,” Linus carried on. “But she told me about ’em. She also told Social Services about ’em. No clue how that motherfucker got off on that one. Just know he did and the burns stopped.”
Eight.
He got those burns when he was eight.
I didn’t want to ask what I had to ask.
But I asked because it had to be asked.
“What else?”
“He talk to you about this at all?” Linus queried in return.
“He doesn’t hide it,” I told him. “He speaks freely of it. You’d think he was what he wants me to believe, over it. But when I saw the burns, he tried to hide it, pull away, pass it off. I… well, I don’t know how to broach it or even if I should, since he’s convinced himself he’s beyond it.” I paused and shared softly, “He’s not beyond it, Linus.”
“Lotsa ways to fuck up a kid, and Jefferson Steele did ’em all,” Linus declared.
My chest depressed.
Linus kept speaking.
“Had women over, didn’t hide it, sight or sound, what he did with ’em even at an age way too young for a kid to see that shit. But also when Carson was gettin’ older and all that would be on his mind was that shit. Car, do not know what he’s made of, have no idea how he didn’t get twisted by that, but I’d see him with his girls. I knew there were a lot of ’em, I figured he got some from ’em, but from what little I saw when he was with ’em, he respected ’em.”
I saw that too. And every girl who had him loved being with him (which was torture for me at the time, luckily, fates changed).
Those girls just never had him for long.
“On top a’ that, beat the shit outta him,” Linus said. “Left him standin’ but didn’t mind doin’ it visible. Shouted at ’im. Not sure more than a couple days went by before the whole block heard him lay into Car. Call him a piece of shit. Tear him up. Never heard Car say a word back, Carrie, not once.”
I was pretty certain I could feel my heart bleeding, and as much as I hated the feeling, I had to concentrate on containing it so I was unable to respond.
Regardless, there really was nothing to say.
“Got no good from the man,” Linus continued into my silence. “If he wasn’t yellin’ at him or beatin’ on him, Carson didn’t exist. That is, except to serve him. Anything got done in that house, vacuum goin’, trash out, food cooked, Carson did it because his old man ordered it. No way he’d court gettin’ what he’d get if he told the guy to go fuck himself, so he did it. He was a slave, Carrie, whipped and broken. He was a strong kid, built, no clue why he didn’t fight back. But he didn’t. Then he took too much and fought back. That was the end.”
“It wasn’t the end,” I whispered.
At that, Linus didn’t reply.
“What do I do?” I asked.
“Be with him, give him what you’re givin’ him. He appreciates it, darlin’.”
I knew he did.
It just wasn’t enough.
I didn’t say that.
“Listen to me, sweetheart,” Linus said gently. “Car has already won. He’s on the other side. Good job. Good people around him. Pretty girl. Nice house. A boy he gets to love on and right the wrongs done to him. Just be patient. Carson is not dumb. He’ll come to terms and do it through and through. Just be with him while he goes through that process.”
Linus probably wasn’t wrong.
But that also wasn’t enough.
“Okay,” I lied, more guilt hitting me because I wasn’t a big fan of lying.
“You okay?” Linus asked.
Joker’s friends were so wonderful.
“I’ll be fine,” I told him, hoping that wasn’t a lie.
“All right, Carrie. Hang tight, stay tough, the hard part is done, gettin’ to this spot and findin’ each other. Now you get the easy.”
He was only half right.
Joker gave me easy.
I just wanted him to have his.
“Thanks, Linus,” I said.
“Not a problem, Carrie. See you later, darlin’.”
“Yes. Say hi to Kam and the kids for me.”
“Will do.” He didn’t bid me to do the same considering he probably knew Joker would never be privy to this conversation. “Later.”
“’Bye.”
I disconnected but continued to hold my phone and poke the screen. I did it quickly and I did it before I could think about it.
And once it was done, I put my phone to my ear.
“Hey, girlie, it’s late. Everything okay?” Elvira asked.
“I… no,” I answered.
“Travis?” she asked quickly.
“No,” I answered just as quickly, then launched in, “Okay, listen, I’m sorry. I’m sorry to drag you into this again but Joker saw his dad at the grocery store tonight. His response was…” I shook my head, not about to give to her what I gave to Joker’s friend, and carried on, “Promise me you will not go to your boss and I promise you I’ll do something to pay back this favor, but I want his dad’s address, and I’m hoping you can get it for me.”
“What you gonna do?”
“I don’t know. Maybe nothing. I just… I’d just feel better having it.”
Elvira didn’t respond and through her silence I thought about her question.
What was I going to do?
Nothing.
I was going to do nothing.
“You’re right,” I said, my shoulders slumping. “This is stupid. The last time I started this, Joker told me—”
“I’ll get you the address on one condition. You don’t go in without backup.”
My head jerked. “Go in where?”
“Anywhere, girl,” she returned.
“I probably won’t do anything. It’s just—”