Once he got positioned, the reality of the situation hit me like a bag of bricks. Things had suddenly become very real, and instead of acting like the irresistible vixen I’d assumed I’d play, I was suddenly struck by the magnitude of what we were going to be doing.
I didn’t get to think too much about it, because the next thing I knew, Trip was inside me.
Damn! It really hurt!
It felt so awkward and painful and my body flinched and I gritted out, “Ow!” but Trip must have thought I was moaning in ecstasy or something because he started making noises of his own against my ear. I tried telling myself to relax... I figured I was only in pain because I was so tensed up and panicky. But instead, my traitorous body started to rack with uncontrollable trembling and I could not, for the life of me, make it stop. Trip was kissing me, his tongue buried in my mouth, his erection buried between my legs, when he finally registered my frazzled nerves and asked, “Are you alright?”
How to explain? I dragged him up there, I planned the whole night, I wanted this to happen. There was no way to turn back now. Not that I wanted to, but it was just that I was so scared at that moment. “I’m fine.”
He went back to kissing me, but the shivering wouldn’t stop. He raised his torso above me on unsteady arms. “Layla, you’re shaking. You sure you’re alright?”
I thought about tossing out a line like, “Better than alright” or some such movie nonsense, but the truth was, I wasn’t prepared for my first time to be that uncomfortable; after only one short minute into my life as a non-virgin, it felt like I was being ripped in two.
I decided to be honest. “Trip, I’m sorry. I want this to happen, I really do. I just... It’s just that I’m so nervous!”
Trip slid out of me with a grunt and rolled over, but still he pressed close against my side. He pulled the blanket up around us, trying to get me to stop shaking. “Don’t be sorry. It’s our first time together.” He let out a little laugh and continued, “I mean, truth be told, I’m a little nervous, too. Was I rushing it?”
I put an arm across my face to stop myself from crying at the sweetness of his words. “God, no, Trip, not at all. You’re...”
Amazing. Incredible.
“...You’re doing everything right, really. I guess I’m just freaked out because it’s my first time, you know?”
Trip started to say that it was alright, but then abruptly, he sat up just then and looked at me.
“Wait. You mean our first time, right? As in you and I have never done this with each other, right?”
I looked at Trip like he was from another planet. What, did he think I’d been sleeping around? “What do you mean?”
“I mean Cooper Benedict, Layla. Don’t try and tell me you guys never-”
His face changed just then as his jaw went slack and understanding dawned across the rest of his features. “Oh, Jesus. You’re telling me that this is, that you and me, that you never-”
“Yeah,” I said, embarrassed. “I thought you knew.”
He let out with a heavy breath and then settled back in against my side. He threw an arm across my waist and pulled me close against him, whispering in my ear, “Layla, I’m so sorry. I would have-I wouldn’t have just-Jesus! I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”
My body had stopped shuddering by then, but the tenderness of his apology and the way he was holding me started the tears flowing. I swiped at my face, trying to disguise my emotional outburst. Jeez, I’d gone from sex kitten to bundle of nerves to weeping crybaby inside of five minutes. Trip was going to think I was psychotic. “Don’t be sorry. You were great, really. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before. I just thought you knew.”
“I should have known. Layla, I never-Babe, wait. Are you crying?”
I answered without thinking, “No,” which was an obvious lie.
Trip rolled over, angling the top half of his body over mine, looking me in the eyes.
“Oh, God. Please don’t cry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” He dropped his face to mine, kissing my tears away, whispering his apologies over and over again. His lips found mine, kissing me so gently, so sweetly.
He peppered his kisses with softly spoken avowals of affection, everything from “I’m sorry” to “I’m an idiot” to “Did I hurt you?” But the one that really got me, the one that just about completely killed me, was when he brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and whispered, “You know I’m crazy about you, right?”
And then I knew.