“Maybe.”
I was lost in that thought until Dad startled me out of it. “He came to see me, you know. I think he was really looking for you.”
“What? When?”
“Oh, a few years back. He was visiting his mother up there in that big house of hers on the hill, and stopped by to say hello. His arm was all bandaged up from when he broke it, remember? When he was filming that movie in the city and you interviewed him? We sat out back and shot the breeze for a while.”
Remember? Was he kidding?
I was knocked out. “You never told me that!”
“He said you wouldn’t give him the time of day, wouldn’t go out with him while he was in town. I guess you’d just gotten engaged to that Fields guy—stop looking at me like that. Of course I knew—and you were trying to do the right thing by staying away from him. We both had a chuckle over that one. That you didn’t trust yourself to be anywhere near him.”
“You knew that? Trip knew?”
“You were always nuts about that kid. Heck, I always liked him too. He was a good kid. And now he’s a good man. But you need to decide whether you’re going to keep trying to find someone else who measures up, or settle down with the real thing. No relationship is perfect, Loo. You have to decide to accept the imperfections and realize that what matters is that you’re perfect together. All the other stuff is just the small stuff. It doesn’t matter.”
“It’s actually kind of big stuff, Dad,” I said, picking at the linen placemat in front of me.
My father leaned back in his chair, folding his hands across his belly. “Did he beat you? Cheat on you? Start drinking again?”
“No, of course not. Nothing like that.”
“Then it’s not ‘big stuff.’ It’s just stuff you haven’t figured a way through, yet.” He got up from the table and gave me a kiss on the top of my head. “You two’ll figure it out. Have a little faith, sweetheart.”
Chapter 30
FINDING HOME
I needed air.
I decided to go for a walk to try and sort some stuff out.
The ground had thawed while I was gone, and the rainy season was about to begin. I watched as little rivulets formed along the curb and dribbled down the street. Spring was well on its way, and I hoped its return would make everything new again. Maybe the coming season would be a good time for rebirth. Renewal.
Repair.
What the hell was wrong with me? Here I had everything I’d ever wanted. No. Wait. Not just wanted, but prayed for, begged for, spent countless years hoping for. How dare I even question it? It took us forever to get there. It took us forever to just be in love, to give ourselves over to it. There it was. Right there in my hands.
And we were threatening to ruin everything.
Every person I had ever loved was still a part of my life. Except one. Trip had lost a parent of his own. Why were we punishing each other for abandonments we had nothing to do with? We spent more time condemning each other for stuff we didn’t do, accusing each other of being people we never were.
If I weren’t so focused on my fear, I could have seen that he’d done everything to show me that he loved me. Hell, he repeatedly said it flat-out, which, for him, let’s face it, is a fricking miracle. What had I done to convince him that I did? I should have spent my time out there reveling in every joyous moment of having him back in my life. Instead, I pushed him about other women, I pushed him about his ex-fiancée, I pushed him about his father.
I pushed him away.
When he had never threatened to leave.
I swiped a tear from my eye and breathed in the mild, late-winter air. It was time to let go. Let go of my insecurity, my anger, my fears. It was time to let my life happen.
Everything that had gone wrong between us was due to outside forces and the stupid ways we went about dealing with them. It shouldn’t have to be like that. It should only be about us. Our us had nothing to do with our them.
By the time I’d made the trek back to my block, I started formulating a plan to come back to him in some big way. I hadn’t really settled on anything, because all my ideas seemed half-baked and insignificant. I needed something huge.
Out of pure habit, I jumped up to grab a leaf off my tree and sat down at the curb, turning it over in my hands.
And when I did… I noticed that something was written on it: I love you
I ran back to the tree and noticed even more marked leaves, so I climbed up as quickly as possible (skillfully as ever, I might add), and sat my butt in my old favorite spot. Every single leaf along the lower branches—every single one—had writing on them, and they all said the same thing: I love you