It took about an hour for me to urge Bo to leave the hospital. It wasn’t until the funeral home arrived and took Rae’s body that he walked in a daze to my car. Josh and Monica are just behind us with Regan in theirs. We pull up to the gated driveway, and Bo reaches for the door handle.
“No, I got it.” I squeeze his hand, get out, and enter the code. Bo’s phone has been ringing since before we left the hospital. It’s ringing again as I get back in.
“Ainsley keeps calling.” His voice is nearly gone.
“Do you want me to answer?”
He shrugs, so I answer.
“Hi Ainsley, it’s November.” The large white house comes into view; it looks haunted now.
“Where’s Bo?” she’s sobbing.
“He’s home. I just brought him back to the house.”
“I’ll be right over.”
Bo hears her through the phone and shakes his head.
“Ainsley, he’s asking that people wait until tomorrow before they contact him,” I lie. “He’s exhausted and I’m sure it’s going to be hell to try to sleep, but he’s got to try.” Bo squeezes my knee in thanks as Ainsley hangs up without a word.
“Thank you,” he whispers.
I clear my throat. “Stay in the car for a minute, OK? Is your house unlocked?”
He nods and doesn’t question me. I close the door and hold up a finger to Josh; he nods back. Turning the knob slowly, I take a deep breath before stepping into Bo’s house. I glance around the entryway and adrenaline splashes over me. In a whirlwind of tears, I gather Rae’s coats, shoes, bags, etc. and race them up to her room. I don’t look around her room when I get there—I just hold my breath and toss the items on her bed, shutting the door behind me when I leave. Rushing through the dining room and kitchen, I rapidly collect any liquor bottles I find and place them in a box in the mudroom off the kitchen to be dealt with when Bo’s asleep.
After a quick run through the house, I open the front door and find Regan standing outside Josh’s car smoking a cigarette. I don’t think he usually smokes, but I’d kind of like a cigarette too, to be honest. Bo’s empty eyes lead him out of the car and plod him up the front steps.
“I don’t know if I can go in there, Em.” He stares at the front door.
“It’s OK,” I take his hand, “we can go in when you’re ready. If you want to go in by yourself—”
“No, please don’t leave me.” Bo squeezes my hand almost painfully.
“I promised I wouldn’t.”
Chapter Thirty
A pink and orange sun rises over the Eastern sky, telling us a new day has started. This is the first day since her birth that the world will be without Rachel Cavanaugh. This and every day forward. For eternity.
I splash water on my face in the downstairs bathroom and find Bo and Regan asleep on adjacent couches in the living room. Monica’s brewing coffee and hands me a cup as I tiptoe into the kitchen.
“Thanks for staying all night, Mon.” I feel like crying, but the well’s run dry.
“Of course. I’d never leave you like this. I’ll call Carrie today.”
“Where’s Josh?”
“He’s outside talking with David about how to handle people. They’ll be coming today. Thank God for a gated driveway, huh?”
I vaguely remember David coming to the house somewhere around three AM and discussing funeral arrangements with Bo. Everyone seems to be in robot-mode right now. I suppose that’s the body’s way of protecting us from feeling all the pain at once. I slide out of the kitchen chair and sneak to the front porch.
“Hey guys.” I sit on the top step and breathe in coffee steam.
“Have you slept, Sweetheart?” David sits next to me and pats my knee.
I shake my head as his simple question beckons my tears. David draws me into his body, and I feel Josh take the mug from my hands as I give in to muscle-quaking sobs. Apart from a few errant tears, I haven’t cried in front of Bo, and I’ve been next to him nearly non-stop since we left the hospital. It just hasn’t felt right, letting my puddle of pain drip into the canyon of loss swallowing him whole. David stands in the middle of my distress, and Josh replaces him. Resting his chin on my head, I hear Josh whispering words of prayer. I lift my head and turn to find David speaking with Ainsley in the driveway. I ignore her and look to Josh.
“How do you do that?” I ask him through voice-shaking tears.
“What?” He shrugs.
“You know what prayers to say and when to say them and they fucking make me feel better.” I force a frustrated laugh.
Josh chuckles. “Ah, Ember...it’s just always been a part of my life. It’s really important right now. I don’t know what else to do.” Sweet desperation flows through his eyes. Monica comes out and hands Josh coffee as he hands mine back to me.
“You’re marrying a good man, Monica. A really good man.”
“I know.” She beams and kisses him. “Ainsley’s here?”