“I could have.”
I held tight and stated firmly. “You didn’t.”
“Fuck,” he clipped and his arms went tight around me too.
He went silent and I just held on for a while, then I moved my hand and sifted my fingers through his thick, silky hair before curling it around the back of his neck.
His body stopped shaking, but he didn’t let me go, so I returned the favor.
Then he lifted his head and I tipped mine back to look at him.
“Goin’ to the guest room, honey. I’ll sleep there until I get a lock on these dreams,” he declared.
At his words, I automatically put a lock on him, one arm going tight, the other one sliding into his hair and fisting.
“Sorry?” I asked.
“We fuck, we kiss, I’ll leave you safe in here, sleep in the other room ‘til I’m good, know I got them under control, then I’ll come back,” he replied.
My back shot straight and my lips, rough and commanding, stated, “No. You. Will. Not.”
I felt his body jolt around me.
“Hanna—”
“They do not get to take you away from me,” I snapped, and at that I felt his frame string tight.
I didn’t care.
I moved my hands to either side of his head and brought my face close.
“They tore huge chunks of you away and they can have those. I can’t get those back, but they are not taking the you that’s mine away from me.”
“Babe—”
“No,” I bit off. “I waited for you for almost a lifetime. I’m not going to get you and have any of the good parts torn away, like you sleeping somewhere else. I like sleeping with you. I feel safe with you beside me. I wake up happy. They don’t get to take that from me, and further, they don’t get it from you.”
He gave me a light shake. “Babe, tonight, no clue what I was doin’, I threw you across the room.”
“Throw me out the window, I don’t care. Just don’t make me sleep without you.”
His arms convulsed and his voice was hoarse when Raiden began, “Love that, baby, but—”
I cut him off. “Not to throw your words in your face but did your buddies die so you can sleep without your woman?”
He went completely still.
I didn’t give up.
“Talk to one of the guys,” I ordered.
“Babe—”
I pressed my hands into his head. “Raid. Talk. To. One. Of. The. Guys.” I didn’t give him a chance to respond. I took my hands from his head, slapped them on his chest and cried, “God! Don’t you think the same thing is happening to them that’s happening to you? So much testosterone, sucking it up and not wanting to appear weak. Don’t you think that they’re waiting for the strongest one of you to step up, get it out and give them that outlet so you can all find ways to move the heck on?”
I stopped talking and braced for his reaction, which could be anything, but was stunned with what I got.
His head dropped forward so his forehead rested on my shoulder. He turned it, tipped his chin, and, lips at my ear, whispered, “Hal was with me. Hal was… I’ll talk to Hal.”
I had no clue who Hal was. I just knew I was thanking God the unknown Hal existed and my man trusted him enough to talk to him about this.
I also closed my eyes and clutched him to me.
“Thank you,” I breathed.
“And I’ll sleep here. With you.”
I clutched him closer and repeated my relieved, “Thank you.”
His head came up and he caught my eyes in the dark. “You got that, honey, but you got it understanding right now. We make a deal that if that happens again, no matter how it happens, I hurt you, I almost hurt you, we’re done and I move to the other room until I get a lock on it.”
“Raid—”
“No, babe, that’s your compromise and as far as I’m willin’ to go. I love you’d take the risk. I love you don’t want to lose me. But see it from my perspective. If I actually hurt you, I’d have to live with that. Don’t make me.”
I got that, and while I didn’t like it, I got it, so I’d give it to him.
“Okay. I won’t make you.”
“Thank you.”
Even though I didn’t like giving him what I had to give him, I was glad I gave it to him because his thank you was so darn sweet.
I pulled in a deep breath, let it go, moved into him and cuddled close.
Raiden held me for a good long while then he shifted us so we were in bed, him on his back me tucked to his side.
His hand sifted through my hair then his arm stopped and curved round me.
It didn’t go slack.
He didn’t go to sleep.
Neither did I.
He was torturing himself because of what he did to me, and maybe scared of hurting me through another dream.
I was heartbroken he was sleepless for these reason.
Dawn touched the sky, and finally his arm went slack.
I finally allowed myself to drift to sleep.
Chapter Nineteen
Nothing Sweeter