Racing for Freedom

chapter Twenty





I see her face in my dreams. Her beautiful happy face, and then suddenly it’s covered in blood and she’s screaming out for me, but I’m trapped on the cliff and I can’t help her. Her body slowly fades away and she calls my name, begging me to save her. I can’t save her though. I can’t get to her. Just one inch more and I can escape this cliff…then she’s gone and I’m screaming.

“Mumma!”

I bolt upright, panting and sweating. My throat burns and I know I’ve been screaming her name. I tremble and wrap my arms around myself, sobbing angrily and fighting back the blame. My door opens and I feel my bed shift, then a set of hard arms go around me.

“It’s ok,” Slade whispers.

“God dammit Slade, why do you keep saving me?” I cry. “I don’t deserve to be saved.”

“Everyone deserves to be saved, Dash.”

“It’s all my fault, I wasn’t there…I wasn’t there…if I had stayed home, they would have never gone to dinner.”

“No,” he murmurs, his voice thick.

“Yes, it’s my fault. I see her in my dreams, begging me to help her and I can’t. I’m just stuck on that cliff top. I could have stopped it, but I was too worried about being with you and you didn’t even want me.”

“That’s not true, I did want you Dash. I do…”

“Don’t do this to me Slade,” I whimper. “Please. I wanted you and you broke me. You can’t come back and want this now, you can’t.”

“I shouldn’t, but I can’t stop it. I’ve always wanted you Dash. Then that party…god that party…I wanted you so much, but I knew I was leaving, I knew I would break you. I thought it was better if you just hated me, I thought it wouldn’t hurt as much.”

“It hurt more!” I cry.

“I know, I know it did.”

“You could have come back for me, you could have loved me, I would have let you. It’s too late now…”

He doesn’t say anything, he just holds me. I breathe in his scent, it’s a warm, delicious scent. Him, crossed with the fading aftershave he must have worn tonight. Neither of us speak, what is there to say? He’s admitting he has feelings for me, but what can I give him? I can’t give him anything. He had a chance, he didn’t take it.

“I can’t give you what you want, Slade.”

He strokes a thumb down my cheek. “You can, you just won’t.”

“No, I don’t want to.”

“I don’t believe you Dash, whatever this is between us, it’s strong.”

“It’s friendship,” I whisper helplessly, trying to sound believable.

“No, it was friendship when we were sixteen. It stopped being friendship the night we had sex.”

“You’re right, it became so much more than friendship. It became a blistering hate that I carried around for years.”

“And now?”

I close my eyes, unsure of what it is I feel for him now. I don’t hate him, god, I certainly don’t. I don’t love him…do I? No, I have lingering feelings of friendship, that’s all.

“I want to be your friend again, I want to forgive you, I want to move on, but Slade, I can never love you again.”

He continues stroking my face, my cheeks, my lips. “I don’t believe that.”

“You have to.”

“I don’t.”

“Slade, please…”

He moves my head and suddenly his warm lips are over mine and oh god, the feelings that explode in my chest are so mind blowing, I lose myself for a moment. I grip him back and wrap my arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. His lips are like lava, hot and burning. My body is on fire, heating to the very core, with each movement of his lips over mine.

He pulls back and leans down to my ear. “If you didn’t want this Dasha, I would have a bloody lip by now.”

“Slade, stop it. We can’t do this. I’m emotional, you’re catching me at the moments when I’m off guard. You can’t take what I’m doing seriously.”

“No, you’re right, I can’t. I also can’t take what you’re saying seriously.”

“Slade I didn’t…”

“I don’t believe that this is nothing, you and I both feel it and it’s there, even if we don’t want it to be. I made a f*cking mistake Dashy, but I want to make it up to you. I want to make love to you, to show you how beautiful it really is. Heck, I bet you haven’t made love to anyone and had it feel as good as you know I can make it feel.”

“That’s not true,” I stammer.

“Isn’t it? Tell me how many times you’ve screamed and shuddered around a man?”

I flush and my skin prickles.

“Or how many times you’ve come beneath one.”

Oh my.

“Or how many times your body sparks to life when being kissed all over.”

“Slade, please, stop.”

“When are you going to see what’s between us is real Dash?”

“It’s not, you left me and I’ve hardly seen you. Each time you’ve been back, all we’ve done is taunt each other.”

“We taunted each other to cover the hurt and you damn well know it.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Slade, I stopped loving you a long time ago.”

“Fine, Dash,” he says, letting me go and standing. “Have it your way, you can deny how you feel all you want. You can use that night to make excuses and hide your feelings. You can run, but I won’t stop feeling this Dash. I’ve never stopped feeling it. One day, you’ll wake up and stop blaming the world for your problems, and you’ll feel it too.”

I hear my door slam as he walks out, and I feel my heart shatter into a thousand tiny pieces. He’s right, I just don’t know if he’s right about it all or just some of it. Part of me, the hidden part, fears he’s right about all of it.