Raced

Fueled - Chapter Thirty-Eight

The well-loved hotel fight scene in FUELED. What did Colton think when he saw Rylee with Parker in the bar? Was he trying to fix things or looking to make it worse? Why in the hell did he tell her he slept with Tawny? Why did he shut Becks the hell up so the misunderstanding couldn’t be resolved?
Yes, Colton was an ass for kissing that girl so blatantly in front of Rylee earlier in the night, but at the same time I feel for him in this scene. When he stands in front of Rylee and Parker and silently asks her the same thing she asked him about Raquel at the Merit Rum party: choose.
As usual Colton is all over the place mentally and emotionally, but we also see something else here: We see defeat and desperation. Two things that as a reader calls to my sympathy, my compassion, my desire to see them figure it all out … and possibly makes his earlier actions more tolerable.


“I told you, Becks, I’m sick of her shit. I’m not buying the I’m innocent act she pulled in the team meeting.” I glance over to him as we walk down the hallway, enough alcohol humming through my veins for me to speak my mind.
Then again, I don’t need alcohol to do that.
“What the f*ck did Tawny do now?”
“I don’t know, man, but she’s being squirrely and f*ck if I can figure out what she’s up to.”
Sammy snorts behind me and I turn to look at him, figure what the hell he means by it, but he just looks right past me like it’s not his place to say anything. Ha. Like he’s held back before.
Becks catches my eye with his raised brows as we turn a corner because I’m heading in the opposite direction of our wing of rooms for the team. “You can deal with it when we get back home. I need your head focused on the race.”
“No shit, Sherlock.” I shake my head, eyes scanning over all of the places I’ve seen Rylee since she’s arrived. I need to see her, need to set the shit right that I did earlier. My dumb-ass move to kiss bar-girl just to make Rylee jealous, show her that I can have anybody I want.
Even though it’s her I want.
So I hurt her on purpose as a payback for her twisting the knife a little more every time I see her. Sitting at appearances, promoting the fundraiser—everything beside me—but the minute the attention is off of us, she disengages. Goddamn frustrating woman.
So why are you looking for her, then? Why do you still care, Donavan? She doesn’t believe a f*cking word you say, said she’s done, so how are you going to prove otherwise?
F*ck if I know but I’m so sick of this ache in my chest that I’m trying to ignore regardless of how much it continues to burn.
“So you ever going to tell me what the f*ck happened between you and Rylee? Why you’re moping around like I kicked your dog?” Becks asks for the hundredth time, even though he knows Baxter would bite his ass if he kicked him.
I don’t want to talk about this. Never do. I just want it all back how it was. Ry and me in a good place. Then why the f*ck did you kiss that chick? Pull your head out and fight for what you want.
I glance over and Becks is giving me the look like he’s waiting for an answer. My head’s so f*cked-up right now I forgot to respond.
“Nothing. Something.” I exhale. “She thinks I cheated on her.”
Becks starts laughing and pats me on the back. “Dude, does she not see how goddamn p-ssy whipped you are? I saw you shove Tawny off you like a hot f*cking coal that night she kissed you.” He laughs at the memory that caused the morning after that still haunts me. When Tawny opened the f*cking door when Rylee knocked. “If you’re not having your fallback girl, you sure as hell aren’t locking lips—or anything else for that matter—with anyone else.”
I sigh, that ache returning with a vengeance.
“It’ll sort itself out as long as you don’t go and do something stupid, Wood.”
“I won’t,” I lie, then cringe at the memory of Rylee’s eyes filled with hurt as I locked lips with that bimbo earlier. F*ckin’ A.
“Because she sure as hell wouldn’t do something stupid like …” Becks’s words trail off as we pass the bar before he takes an abrupt turn down the hall in the opposite direction. I start to follow when I see him glance at Sammy. I stop and turn around, the unspoken words causing the heart I’ve thought dead for so long to roar to life.
I see her instantly, body turned, knees touching, and face close to some f*cking douchebag sitting beside her in the bar. I freeze for a moment when I see her leaning forward. The kiss I see is all in my f*cked-up mind but I don’t f*cking care because I see it anyway, feel it hit me like a goddamn sucker punch. Just like she must have felt when I did it to her earlier.
The hurt barrels through me. Grabs hold and doesn’t let go.
And I don’t allow myself to get hurt. Ever. I lived a lifetime of f*cking pain caused by the one that was supposed to care about me the most. I know better now. Know that the minute someone gets too close, I push them away. The minute I feel like I’m going to be hurt, I lash out without regret.
… and I let Rylee in close enough to hurt me …
She senses me, looks up, and our eyes lock. I see defiance, finality, and f*ck if I’m going to let that bastard sitting beside her reinforce it being there. She told me she was going to find a guy for the night to see if it helps with her pain. Apparently she was serious.
But this isn’t like her—acting like me, throwing the confession I gave her about how I cope back in my face—so it kills me to see her do this to spite me. To hurt me on purpose.
Bar-boy leans in closer, his mouth near her ear, and she breaks her eyes from mine. And now that ache turns into motherf*cking pain.
Defense mechanism locked and loaded. She’s not going to believe me? Going to pull shit like this? I need to get back to every man for his f*cking self … well, after I take care of this I’ll get right on that.
I’m ready to lash out and thank God the f*cker sitting beside her is the perfect size for a punching bag because my fists are clenched and vision is red.
No one touches what’s mine.
Even when she tells me she’s not.
No one.
Things happen so fast. A shout sounds and I don’t even realize it’s mine until Becks is pushing my chest from the front and Sammy holds my shoulders from behind. It doesn’t f*cking matter who’s on me because right now I want blood. I need an excuse to release my anger, at her for not believing me, at me for the stunt I pulled, and because I want to touch her so f*cking badly it’s not even funny.
And he’s touching her instead.
“Let me go,” I say through gritted teeth, trying to shrug them the f*ck off of me. And I don’t care how hard they hold me back because nothing is stopping me. I break free, Becks says something about priorities to which I think I only have one right now and that’s getting this f*cking guy away from her.
The crowd is smart and moves apart as I stalk toward her, mind focused, heart armoring up. She says something to the guy and stands as I near. Her eyes meet mine and they make me so f*cking angry and so goddamn whipped that I push it away and focus on him.
If I was smart I’d haul her over my shoulder, take her upstairs and show her just exactly how I haven’t cheated. But f*ck smart and f*ck being reasonable because she’s being neither of those right now either.
Two wrongs don’t make a right but hell if it doesn’t feel good in the process.
I stop in front of her, lips so f*cking close I can taste them, and she lifts that chin of hers up in a non-verbal f*ck you. That defiance I find so goddamn sexy is in full effect but right now I’m also scared shitless because the hurt I see mixed with it is my doing … and my undoing.
What the f*ck am I doing?
My head is such a clusterf*ck of emotions and thoughts. The biggest one is hurt her first. Deliver the first blow. And I know it’s not right, know it’s the worst kind of way to be, but my chest hurts so goddamn bad I can’t think straight.
“What the f*ck are you trying to pull, Rylee?” I ask. I know the answer, payback’s a bitch, but I don’t care because bar-boy shifts behind her and his eyes lock and then glance away from mine.
Good. At least he knows who’s calling the shots here. Too bad Rylee doesn’t.
And then she reaches back and pats his knee. I have flashbacks of the Merit launch party and Surfer Joe, the déjà vu almost comical.
Almost.
Because then she was just an addictive challenge I had to conquer and now … now she’s part of my f*cking world. I’m a man with something to lose and that’s not a good place to be.
“What business is it of yours?” she sneers as my eyes keep flickering back and forth to her hand on his knee.
And I can’t help it, need to take it off of him, so I reach out to grab her arm and she yanks it away from me. I know why she did it, but the look she gives me mixed with the action flashes me back to my other hurt. When I fought away from any touch at all because of what would come next. The calling to my superheroes.
I’m staggered.
And f*cking furious.
At her for fighting me and at me for making her feel that way. It takes a moment to pull me from the thought, to separate the two events that just melded when one has nothing to do with the other and f*cked up my head even further.
I look in her eyes—see the hurt, the defiance, the sadness—and use what I see there to gain my bearings again.
“I don’t like games, Rylee. I won’t tell you that again.”
“You don’t like games?” she says, her tone laced with disgust. “But it’s okay for you to play them?”
F*ck yes I played them, but that’s not the point. The point is right here, right now. At the Merit party she gave me the choice: go or stay. Now it’s my turn to ask.
“Why don’t you tell your little boy toy he can run along now before things get even more interesting.”
Watcha gonna do, Ryles?
Pick me.
Go with me.
Fix this shitstorm I started and get us back.
She shoves against me as hard as she can. “You. Arrogant. Conceited. Egomaniac!” spewing from her lips as she falls into me.
And every part of me stands at attention at the feel of her against me, wanting and needing but knowing I can’t have, because she sure as f*ck didn’t give me the answer I wanted.
“What the f*ck are you trying to prove?” I ask, wanting her to say she wants me, wants to fix this, believe I didn’t cheat on her.
But she doesn’t. Not even f*cking close.
“I’m just testing your theory,” she says with a smirk.
“My theory?” What the f*ck is she talking about?
“Yeah, if losing yourself in someone helps get rid of the pain.”
Ah f*ck. In a single second I rein in everything that tumbles inside of me at the thought of her being with someone else, everything but my anger. I sure as shit hold onto that.
“How’s that working for you?” It’s all I can think to say because her rejection stings something fierce.
“Not sure.” She shrugs with a smirk. “I’ll let you know in the morning.”
And I’m so focused on that look on her face when she pushes away from me that I don’t even notice the f*cker’s hand in hers.
When I see it, anger turns to motherf*cking fury. “Don’t you walk away from me, Rylee!”
“You lost the right to tell me what to do the minute you slept with her.” She says, her voice breaking through the haze of my colliding emotions. “Besides, you said you like my ass … enjoy the view as I walk away because that’s the last you’ll be seeing of it.”
I snap. No excuses, no regrets. My fist is clenched, fury ready to unleash on bar-boy.
But none of it f*cking matters because I feel the steel grip of Sammy on my arm before I get my chance. And then the melee ensues.
Rylee is screaming at me, insults and names. Sticks and stones, baby. Sticks and stones.
You got to me.
You beat me at my own game.
At least it’s Becks leading her away from me and not the f*cking bar-boy. I’ll take any kind of victory I can get at this point.
The crowd’s buzzing seeps through my rage, drowns out her voice as it fades. And then Sammy’s arm is around my shoulders leading me out of the bar and down a hallway.
“Calm the f*ck down, Wood.”
My pulse pounds in my ears, my head all over the place, and my chest hurts even worse. “Just let me the f*ck go, Sam,” I grit out, my only thought is: F*ck the race tomorrow, I need to visit with Jack and Jim for a bit.
“Nope,” he says, ushering me into an elevator in this damn maze of a resort. All I want to do is walk, run, pound out this anger then get f*cking plastered so I can’t feel the emptiness inside of me right now.
We’re done.
She just made it clear as day and I don’t want us to be done.
But it really doesn’t f*cking matter what I want or don’t want because she doesn’t f*cking believe me. And why the f*ck should she, Donavan, when you go kissing bimbos to spite her?
I groan, run a hand through my hair f*cking beside myself as Sammy pushes me out of the elevator car and down the hall.
“She’s irrational and f*ck she was going to sleep with that a*shole and … motherf*cker!” I shout into the hallway, not caring who the hell is asleep or if anyone is listening. I’m feeling everything all at once when I’m so f*cking used to feeling nothing that I can’t concentrate.
Anger vibrates through me.
My teeth grind. My hands fisted. My blood pounding.
F*cking Rylee.
Sammy points to the door to his right and when I stop he puts both hands on my shoulders. “Get your f*cking hands off of me, Sammy!”
He just laughs and at me in that snarky way he has, and I’ve just added him to the list of people I want to punch. Right after that f*cking bar-boy he prevented me from plowing. I try to jerk my shoulders from his hands as he steers me down the hall, but I should know better by now. He’s stronger than a f*cking ox.
I’m so angry at him.
So pissed at her.
So disgusted with myself for the shit I pulled earlier without trying to make things right.
Rage blinds me and since every f*cking room in this resort looks the same, I don’t even realize what room Sammy shoves me into. By the time I look up, it’s too f*cking late.
“Uh-uh! No way! Get that egotistical a*shole out of here!”
My head snaps up the minute I hear her voice. Sugar and spice laced together. Rage and lust and pure need collide momentarily until my mind flashes back to the image of Rylee with that f*cker in the bar. The emotion hits me like a freight train.
I hate her.
I want her.
I hate that I want her so much that this is f*cking killing me.
And she comes into view but without the dim light of the bar, I really see her. Hurt staining her face and defiance in her eyes, and I do the only thing I know how to do … push away the good and prepare for the pain. “F*ckin’ A, Becks! What the f*ck is this?” I yell, furious that I was coerced into a confrontation that I don’t want. That I do want. I don’t know what the f*ck I want because she doesn’t want me anymore.
I notice her packed suitcase and my heart f*cking constricts in my chest. She’s leaving me? The part of me that hoped this was all just a show dies a fast f*cking death. And I thought her always saying she’d stay meant she would. That she understood I’d push and hurt to prove otherwise. I guess she doesn’t understand me as much as I thought she did.
I say the only thing I can to hide the hurt lancing through me, to lash out. To hide the unexpected let down that drops through my soul knowing she doesn’t want to be here and watch me chase the green flag tomorrow.
I confessed that I use pleasure to bury the pain … but f*ck, right now, I’m about to use anger to hide the foreshadowed devastation.
“Thank Christ! Don’t let the door hit you in the ass, sweetheart!”
She steps toward me and I can see the fire in her eyes, the fury in her lips, and that goddamn defiance in her posture. That defiance that makes me ache to take her like no other f*cking woman I’ve ever met before, ever had before.
“This is over here and now!” Beckett’s voice booms at us in a tone I’ve heard very few times during our friendship. Instinct has me turning to look at him because last time I heard him like this he threw a punch at me. I don’t need this shit right now. Not Becks pissed and sure as hell not him interfering. “I don’t care if I have to lock you in this f*cking room together, but you two are going to figure your shit out or you’re not leaving. Is that understood?”
I start to argue with him the same time that Rylee’s voice rises, but he cuts us both off. “Is that understood?”
The anger in his voice stuns me momentarily, and f*ck me, Rylee gets the first word in. “No way, Becks! I’m not staying in this room another second with this a*shole!”
“A*shole?” It rolls of my tongue as if it’s a question, but she’s right. F*cking right in every sense of the word but I’m so beyond angry right now. First her and now Becks turning against me? The hairpin trigger had been pulled tight in the bar, and I’m primed and ready to fight.
I whip around to face Rylee, only to find her body f*cking inches from mine. How can I hate and hurt right now but my body vibrates from her nearness? F*ck me, she’s my kryptonite.
Where are the f*cking superheroes now?
And I’m so grateful when she speaks because it pulls me from my thoughts—thoughts that are so f*cking scattered I can’t figure out which one to focus on. The woman makes me have more personalities than the splintered images of my reflection in that shattered mirror. For some reason though, I don’t think all the king’s horses and all the king’s men will be able to put this Humpty Dumpty back together again.
She snorts in disgust. The sound forces me to focus on the here and now rather than the memories of what she feels like against me. Beneath me. Part of me.
“Yeah! A*shole!” She sneers at me with such derision that I can feel it pulse in waves off her.
Good. The wall’s back up. Right where I need it to be. F*cking Christ! If she thinks that’s going to hurt me, she’s gonna have to try a whole f*cking lot harder. It’s hard to hurt a man that died inside years ago.
But I swear to God she brought me back to life.
Get your head straight, Donavan. Hurt her before she hurts you. You told her the truth. You chased. You tried. She wouldn’t listen. Still isn’t going to listen.
Which means she’s not going to hear me. She’s going to believe whatever the f*ck she wants to. And in turn she’s going to leave me.
Broken.
Shattered.
Irreparable.
Break her before she’ll break me.
“You want to talk about a*sholes? Try that stunt you pulled with bar-boy back there. I believe you claimed the title right then, sweetheart.”
“Bar-boy? Wow, because having a harmless drink is so much worse than you with your gaggle of whores earlier, right?”
She shoves at my chest like she did downstairs and I accept her anger. I welcome the physicality that comes with the force of the push. I welcome the sting in my heart from that goddamn look in her eyes that says she hates me, loves me, is hurt by me.
I need a f*cking minute, a pit stop second. I need to stop that burn in my gut and get my f*cking head back in the game. I pace back and forth, blowing out a breath to shove the emotion aside and bury it down deep with the rest of my secrets.
I notice the smirk on Becks’s face out of the corner of my eye—the one telling me I’m in so f*cking deep and the cement’s starting to harden around my feet … and around my heart—and I can’t help the words that fly out of my mouth. “She’s driving me f*cking crazy!”
I’m talking to Beckett, friend to friend, searching for some kind of help here to quiet the confliction within and of course Rylee latches on to the one word I leave hanging out there for her like a checkered flag in the wind.
“You’d know all about the f*cking part seeing as you f*cking Tawny is what started this whole thing in the first place,” she screams at me.
I don’t even have time to register the jolt of Beckett’s body beside me before he stutters out, “What?”
Oh f*ck.
“What? He didn’t tell you?” She sneers at him.
Shut the f*ck up, Rylee. Becks is in big brother mode and this is my f*cking business.
Motherf*cker.
“I told the a*shole that I loved him. He bailed as fast as he could. When I showed up at the Palisades house a couple days later, Tawny opened the door. In his T-shirt. Only his T-shirt.” She takes a deep breath, focused completely on Beckett and ignoring me. “Colton didn’t have much more on either. Told me nothing happened. But that’s a little hard to believe with his notorious reputation. Oh and the condom wrapper in his pocket.”
I cringe, her words hitting every part of me that wants to hide. Becks turns to look at me and I can see it hitting him, lie by f*cking lie. That I let this argument fester to become this because I’m so f*cking stubborn that I didn’t tell her the truth. I see the disbelief in his eyes and how infuriated he is in the clench of his jaw. “Are you f*cking kidding me here?”
“What?” I can hear the confusion in her voice, but I can’t look at her because I’m too focused on the look on his face.
“Leave it, Becks.”
“What the f*ck, man?” Here comes the bulldog. F*ckin’ A. He’s not going to leave this alone, is he?
“I’m warning you, Beckett. Stay out of this!” I’m so pissed at myself—at everything that’s happened tonight—the anger inside ignites and I turn the inferno toward him. My fists clench. My blood boils.
He takes the bait, focusing on me rather than Rylee, and adds kerosene to my fire. “When you start jeopardizing my team and the race tomorrow, then it becomes my business …” He shakes his head. “Tell her!”
“Tell me what?” Rylee shouts out in the silence of the room. The only other sound is the testosterone reverberating between Becks and me.
He gives me the look—that look that tells me he is so disappointed in me, mixed with what the f*ck are you trying to pull. I give him the only answer I can because right now I don’t even know what I’m f*cking doing. “Beckett, she’s like talking to a goddamn brick wall. What good will it do?”
“She’s right. You’re an ass!” he says, and I can see the challenge in his eyes even before he spits out his next words. “You won’t tell her? Fine! Then I will!”
I’m done, trigger pulled, buttons pushed successfully.
My hands grip his shirt and I’m pressing him against the wall without a second thought, jaw clenched, fists itching. “I said leave it, Becks!”
What the f*ck am I doing? About to go to blows with my best friend over a f*cking chick? She must be the real deal. F*cking voodoo p-ssy, my ass. More like schizophrenic p-ssy. She has me all over the goddamn place.
I can see the amusement in his eyes. The look that says, she’s got you by the balls, Wood, and I think you like it, want it, but are scared shitless.
No f*cking way.
My emotions are ruled by anger and I’m so confused my game’s off and no one knows that better than him. He could have our positions reversed in a millisecond. So why hasn’t he pushed back? Taken the bait? Hurt me so I’m given the due I deserve?
Instead he just lifts an eyebrow telling me to show him differently, then—show him that Rylee isn’t my final rodeo—before pushing me away.
“Then f*cking fix this, Colton! Fix! It!” He shouts the dare at me before yanking the hotel room door open and slamming it shut.
Unsure what to say. Not sure how to escape these confines—from feeling and not wanting to feel and everything in between—I cuss out a storm as I pace the room again, trying to ignore the fact that Ry is watching my every movement—dissecting it and trying to draw conclusions I don’t want her to form. If she’s not going to believe me when I told her nothing happened, then she’ll never trust me anyway.
How could she really believe I’d want something more when I have her? Perfection. Necessity. The Holy motherf*cking Grail.
Does she know how much it kills me that she thinks I’d do that to her? Rips my f*cking gut to shreds. I’ve given more of myself to her than anybody else I’ve ever met and she doesn’t trust me? My poison has tainted her now and I can’t let it continue to any further. I want to punch something—need to desperately—to get rid of this overload of shit coursing through my body.
“What was that all about?” Her voice cuts through the haze, but I’m so angry I push it away, keep walking trying to calm the f*ck down before I say something I’ll regret. “Damn it, Colton! What don’t you want me to know?”
She blocks my path and as much as I want to physically pick her up and move her out of the way so I can wear a hole in the f*cking carpet until I can think rationally, I can’t. I want to touch her so bad. Take her. Hold her. Accept her.
But I can’t.
… no one will ever be able to love you …
She doesn’t trust me.
… you’re horrible and disgusting and poisoned inside …
She’s going to leave me.
… you’re like a toxin that will kill them …
Shatter me.
… I’m the only one that is ever allowed to love you …
Break me.
… you’re worthless, Colty …
I can do worse and she can do better.
Let her go.
Push her away.
Save her.
“You really want to know?” I shout at her, hoping she flees and runs at the question but knowing not in a million years that she will. “You really want to know?”
She stands on her tiptoes, those glints of violet boring into mine, daring me to confirm what she already thinks is true in her heart. “Tell me.” Her voice is a quiet calm when she says it. “Are you that Goddamn chicken shit you can’t fess up and just admit it? I need to hear it come out of your mouth so I can get the f*ck over you and get on with my life!”
I don’t know how I swallow. I don’t know how I speak, but the words are out of my mouth before I know it. Walls re-erected and solitary confinement a Siren’s song calling to me. “I f*cked Tawny.”
Poison spread.
Ship crashing against the treacherous ocean rocks.
Silence settles around us but I can hear the locking of the cell.
Feel the quicksand smothering my lungs.
The death of my resurrected soul.
“You coward!” she screams, hysteria bubbling up. “You goddamn f*cking coward!”
“Coward?” I shout. Does she have any f*cking clue I’m trying to save her? Trying to push her away before I can f*ck this up even further? F*ck her over any further? Trying to stem the sudden feeling of need? “Coward?” I ask, trying to cover up every emotion that wants to pour out of my mouth and make this even worse. I’ll take the pain, but f*ck me if I don’t want her to know that I tried to tell her. That I tried and she ignored.
Get your head on straight, Donavan. You either want her or you don’t. Decide. Figure it out because this cerebral war is f*cking killing you.
Turn it back on her.
“What about you? You’re so f*cking stubborn that you’ve had the truth staring you in the face for three f*cking weeks. You’re up there so high and mighty on your goddamn horse you think you know everything! Well you don’t, Rylee! You don’t know shit!”
“I don’t know shit? Really, Ace? Really?” The quiet calm in her voice scares me. Does her lack of fight mean she’s over me? F*ck, no. “Well how’s this? I know a bastard when I see one.”
Self preservation wins.
“Been called worse by better, sweetheart.” I’m not sure if the words are meant as a challenge or a coup de grace. Will she fight for me or flee while she can?
I know my answer in the flash of her hand aiming for my face. Her wrists collide into my hands without a thought, our bodies crashing together with the motion, our lips inches apart. And I’m f*cking frozen. Paralyzed in that space of time where I immediately take back everything I said, everything I did, and just crave the simplicity of her addictive taste.
Just want it to be her and me back in front of that mirror. Just want to be man enough and not f*cked-up enough that when she says those words to me, I don’t cringe. I don’t feel the blackness swallow me whole and smother the air in my lungs, but rather look in her eyes and smile.
Accept.
Reciprocate.
Love.
Her voice breaks through my haze of regret. “If you were done with me … had your fill of me … you could have just told me!” Hurt fills her eyes and trembles across her lips.
And now that I’ve done it—now that I’ve pushed her away and hurt her with my callous comments—all I want is her back in my arms, my life, at my side. Because done with her? Does she really think that?
As if a single taste of her will ever be enough.
“I’ll never have my fill of you.” I say the words but see the disbelief still warring in her eyes so I give into the ache. Show her the only way that I know how. Search for the balm to soothe my aching soul and the bleach to purify my blackened heart.
My mouth slants over hers. Takes and tastes and demands. I accept her struggle, accept the fact that she hates me because I hate myself too, but I can feel the need vibrate between us. Can sense that this hunger will never be satisfied. That I’ll never want it to.
She keeps struggling, keeps wanting to hurt me. And I want to tell her to do just that. Hurt me like I deserve. Hurt and love are equivalent to me. The only way I know that love is supposed to be.
But I see it in her eyes. The pain I’ve caused. And yet I still feel the love from her. Still feel like she wants this. Wants me. And even despite all of this … all of the hurt and confusion and spiteful words we spit at each other, I want her desperately. Have to have her desperately.
And I plan to take. I have to get us back to where we were. Where we need to be. To the only place my soul has felt at peace over the past twenty-odd years.
Back to Rylee.
“You want rough, Rylee?” And despite the contempt in her eyes, I do the only thing I know how to reclaim her. “I’ll give you rough!”
My lips connect with hers and I do the only thing I can: I take what I want so desperately. What’s mine.
To save myself.