I was a weakling. When he cupped my chin and brushed his finger along my cheek, I turned enough to trick myself into thinking I was resisting, and I put my gaze on the floor, because I couldn’t look at him.
“I saw her, and it was shocking. I’m only a man. I thought all the things you think I did. That I could go back. That I could have another chance. I admit it. But the truth? It’s more frightening. I kissed her cheek and felt nothing. Like kissing my sister. Or a stranger. I’m not that boy anymore. I’m a man. I’m made of everything I’ve done and everything I want, and I don’t want a life in Napoli with her. That’s the idea of who I am. I want a life with you, because you accept me. All of me. I am whole with you. Only you.”
I could have fallen into him so easily. I could have broken myself apart and fit the pieces into a shape resembling sanity and morality. When he leaned in to kiss me and I felt his breath on my lips, my body bent to fit him, whoever he was and whatever he wanted.
The door snapped open, and he turned quickly to address what might be a threat. But it was Margie, looking unusually nonjudgmental. I guessed she got sick of waiting for me to get a cab to the hospital.
“Are you coming?” She looked at Antonio as she passed us. “Or do you want to stay here until they find enough to Mirandize?”
He laughed and took my hand, following Margie’s brisk pace down the stairs. They spoke another language as they walked. Not Italian, or even English. They spoke lawyer.
We got into Margie’s silver Mercedes without her or Antonio breaking the constant stream of jargon regarding Daniel’s ability to hold him.
“I wish he’d kept you,” I said, sliding into the front seat.
“Why?” Margie asked as she closed her door.
“They want to kill him. As soon as he gets out of this car, they can shoot him. Then when he leaves the hospital. And it’s not like he can go home.”
Antonio sat in the back, his shoulder against the door. Light slid over his face when Margie reversed, then it fell back into shade, then light again. Gorgeous in the light. Magnificent in the dark. Light. Dark. Light. Magnificent. Gorgeous. His lips relaxed to speak. Those full, soft, married lips.
“Don’t worry,” he said.
“I want to trust you on this, Antonio, I really do. But you can’t stop bullets with bossiness or good looks.”
“They would have killed you too.”
“I wish you guys would talk about something normal.” Margie snapped the ticket out of the parking machine and made a right. “Like cancer.”
“It’s hard to be normal with this guy.”
“I know how you feel,” she replied. “Listen, I know the director of neurology at Sequoia. I defended him on a thing. We can get his parking spot. It’s secure. I’ll coordinate with Antonio to get you both out of the hospital. Do you have a place to stay?”
“Not yet,” Antonio said.
“I got that. You have a phone?”
“No.”
“Let me take care of you tonight. I’ll get you a burner, and you can call him. But please, don’t leave fucking town until we know what’s happening with Jonathan. Please. I know it’s risky for you.” She looked at him in the rearview.
It didn’t matter if he liked her. He wouldn’t refuse her. No one could.
“It’s fine,” he said. “We came back for him.”
“You’re all right for a reprobate thug, you know that?”
“You can be a character witness at my sentencing.”
They went on like brother and sister the whole way to the hospital, while I looked out the window and reminded myself that my relationship with him was coming to a close.
We parked deep in the underground lot, past a separate gate, in a spot right next to the elevator. Antonio held the car door open for me, but I couldn’t look at him, even when we stood in front of the elevator doors.
“Mom’s medicated,” Margie said as the doors slid open with a ding. “Sheila’s managing her anger. Deirdre’s sleeping on a chair. Dad turns up in the halls sometimes. Jon’s girlfriend is the emaciated specter on the verge of tears.”
“Three short?” I asked.
“At the moment.”
thirteen.