He rocked back and forth, holding me as if I were the last woman in the world. I hadn’t been held like that since before the fall. I’d been broken in so many places, I was afraid to embrace anyone, but with Antonio, I wasn’t scared to be held. I’d forgotten how safe he made me feel, how loved, how trusted. He could hold me and nothing inside me would break. I was fine.
Better than fine. I was whole.
epilogue.
theresa
he food was gone. The dishes were put away. The children were bathed and kissed. A few stragglers stayed up for late night TV.
All was dark.
Except the bathroom. It was white, and the light was on. I’d loved its brightness. I’d designed it so I could see everything, but now I wanted the light dimmed. Or off. Or warmer. I leaned into the mirror. I’d just gotten out of the shower. Hair stuck to my forehead, and droplets hung under my eyes. I hadn’t given myself a good look-see in a long time, and tonight, the first night of Antonio’s return, was probably way too late.
I was nervous.
The side of the bed I kept for him was about to be filled, but so much had changed in the meantime, I didn’t know if it made sense anymore. I didn’t know what he’d been through, done, experienced while he was away. He hadn’t spoken about it during dinner or the card game after. He seemed reserved. Standoffish, even. I knew he loved me. I knew from the way he put his hand over mine at dinner and the way he looked at me.
“Hello,” he said, leaning against the doorframe.
I jumped. “You scared me.”
He crossed his arms, and the way he looked at me made me close the neck of my robe tight. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right.”
I tried to get past him, but he didn’t budge. His cheeks were darkened with late-day growth, and his eyelids drooped a little with exhaustion. He was still the most beautiful man I’d ever seen.
“Do you like our room?” I asked.
“I like the room.”
“You can pick a different one, but this one had the nicest patio onto the orchard.”
“Theresa. I—”
“I’m sorry, it’s just…” I had constructed a hundred ways to talk to him when he hadn’t been in front of me. He pressed his hand to my cheek, and without thinking or intending it, I leaned into him, letting his palm cup me.
“Do you want to wait?” he asked. “I won’t force you.”
“No, I… this… what happened? I’m not the same. I’m ninety percent. Ninety five, actually but not the same.”
I’d forgotten how powerful he was in a room. How the energy surrounding him seemed to squeeze out everything else.
“You aren’t the same. I could have told you that.”
“I just—” I stopped myself. This was stupid. “Oh, fuck it.” I stepped into the bedroom and faced him.
“I want to kiss you,” he said. “I haven’t thought about anything but kissing you for a year and a half. If you don’t want to do anything else until you get used to me again, I accept that. But I’m kissing you before I go to sleep.”
“I want you to kiss me. You have no idea how badly I want that kiss, but first I have to show you.” I opened the robe. It was the hardest thing I’d ever did, not because I thought there was something wrong with me, but because I didn’t know how he’d react.
The scar drew his eyes first, but then they drifted all over me, the way they had that first day, and the second, and the time I swore I felt him touching me.
“I see,” he said, touching the scar on my abdomen. “Does it hurt?”
“Itches sometimes. But also, my left shoulder. I told you in the letters, but see, I can’t really do this anymore.” I shifted my shoulder back as far as it would go. Not very far. It had taken the brunt of the fall.
“You need me to be gentle,” he said.
My anxiety fell away and was replaced by irrational joy. He knew it was just as simple as that. I only needed him to know that I felt fragile, even if I wasn’t.
“I do.”
He pushed the robe off my shoulders. It fell at my feet like a snowdrift. I was naked, and he was there. Right there. My body was on fire for him.
“I want my kiss,” he breathed into my cheek, his lips grazing me.
“Come and get it.” I barely made a sound saying it, then I thought he hadn’t heard me, because he didn’t do it.
“Do you know why I haven’t kissed you all day?” he asked.