Pull

Chapter Twelve
Demetri
“So. Did you think about it?” Mrs. Murray was chewing her
gum wildly behind her notepad. Ever so often I would hear her
swallow and then pop the gum. I think I made her stressed when I
was in one of my moods.
“Yeah.” I closed my eyes. I was so damn confused. It seemed
no matter how careful I thought I was around Alyssa, she was
always running off. Or getting that weird look on her face. Like she
wasn’t even present, but somewhere else entirely.
“What’s her story?” The first thing I asked when I plopped
down on the floor the next week for my counseling session.
Mrs. Murray had smiled. “I can’t tell you that.”
And we had sat in silence for the last ten minutes, until
finally, she mentioned being the group facilitator again for group
therapy.
“I don’t know.” I pulled the toothpick out of my mouth and
sighed. “I still don’t know if I’d do a good job.”
“What if I told you a certain girl was going to be attending
the first session?”
My head snapped up to attention. “Alyssa?”
Mrs. Murray rolled her eyes. “Yes, but remember, during
session times she’s off limits. Besides…” She took a deep breath.
“There’s a lot about her that you don’t know.”
“Tell me about it,” I mumbled. She’d been ignoring my
phone calls all weekend. When I stopped by her parents’ store they
always had some sort of lame excuse or said she was using the
bathroom.
Either the girl had some serious bathroom issues, or she was
gone. Either way, I was persistent.
This afternoon I even stopped by before my session. I knew
she was working, but when I went into the store, all she did was
hand me three pieces of taffy and began helping another customer.
I took the taffy and walked out.
They were burning a hole in my pocket, but she had taken
the joy from that stupid habit. I had resorted to chewing the hell
out of toothpicks and eating lollipops like it was my job. I needed
something in my mouth, and I knew if I stopped eating candy or
sucking on things, I would revert back to old habits, especially with
the stress of Alyssa on my chest.
“When’s the first session?” I asked, twiddling the toothpick
between my fingers.
“Tomorrow night.”
“What do I say?”
Mrs. Murray smiled and handed me a packet. “Everything’s
in here. You’ll do great, I promise.”
“What if I would have said no?” I took the packet from her
hands.
Mrs. Murray shrugged. “Let’s just say I know you better
than you know yourself.”
“And that’s not a creepy thing for a shrink to say…”
I scratched my head and opened up the packet. Worksheets
tumbled out, as well as nametags for the members to fill out. It
reminded me of my AA group info I used to take back home a
while back.
“Trial run?” I pleaded, giving her my best smile, making
sure to remove the toothpick so the full force of my dimples was
present.
She arched an eyebrow and shook her head. “Nope. You
either commit now or I find someone else.”
Damn the woman drove a hard bargain. “Fine.” I cursed.
“But no autographs, no picture taking, and I swear I’ll sue the first
person who says anything about my personal life.”
“Easy.” Mrs. Murray pulled out another piece of paper.
“Every member has to sign a gag order. If they talk about you or
each other, they’ll be liable.”
“Good.” I took the paper and thrust it in the folder with the
rest of my papers.
“Ten minutes,” Mrs. Murray reminded me. “But you can
leave early if you like, take some time to go over the information.”
I didn’t want to admit that I was waiting for Alyssa. But
Mrs. Murray had her Jedi mind tricks. “She switched session times,
Demetri.”
I laughed bitterly and clamped down on the toothpick.
“Right.”
Mrs. Murray stood, meaning it was my cue to leave. I took
the papers and put them under my arm.
“Demetri?”
I stopped and turned around.
“For what it’s worth, I think you’re good for her.”
I licked my lips and looked down at the ground. “Nah, I’m
probably not good for anyone, but I wanted to be good for her. I
wanted it really bad.”
“You still can be.” Mrs. Murray placed her hand on my
shoulder.
I shook my head. “You can lead a horse to water, Doc…”
She tilted her head in agreement, and I left.
****
By the time Saturday night came around, I was a nervous
wreck. I read through some of the profiles of the group members,
mainly just information on their ages and stuff. But there was a
picture next to each name, and that stupid picture made me
nervous as hell. It meant I had to talk to a person about things I
hated talking about.
What if nobody showed?
What if nobody cared?
Or worse, what if they just came to make fun of me? I had
nothing to offer them.
I pulled the lollipop out of my mouth and focused on the
door, willing people to come in. Mrs. Murray had decided to have
me host the group meeting at my house instead of hers. She
thought it would feel less professional.
I looked around at the modern furniture and expensive
touches. Well, it felt less something.
Throwing up was not an option, but my stomach kept doing
flips.
I put the sucker back in my mouth and focused on the
watermelon flavor as it trickled down my tongue.
The doorbell rang. I nearly dropped my sucker.
This was it.
I walked to the door and opened it.
A man, who seriously could have been Bob’s twin, walked
in. Tattooed sleeves covered both his arms. He wore a beanie and
looked like it would bring him the greatest pleasure to end my life.
“Hi.” I choked, nearly dropping my sucker again. “I’m
Demetri.”
The girl at his side sighed and leaned against him.
“Holly,” the guy grumbled and pulled her flush against him.
They looked like they were about the same age as I. I opened the
door farther. The guy grunted and pushed his way in.
“Make yourselves at home,” I grumbled.
I was just about to make a run for it when another voice
said, “Hi.”
I turned toward the door. The guy from the aquarium stared
at me like he wanted to kill me as well. Perfect. I was going to
witness my own murder in my house. Awesome. Thanks, Mrs.
Murray. Not what I had in mind, but thanks. At least it will be
quick by the looks of the other guy I just let in.
“Sam.” I cleared my throat and stepped aside, letting him in.
“Thanks, Demetri.” Was he mocking me? Because it
sounded like he was. I clenched my fist.
“No, problem, man. Grab a soda or snack or whatever. I left
stuff out. I mean, you don’t have to eat, but if you’re hungry…” I
bit my lip and cursed. “Never mind. Just…” I waved into the air.
Maybe the big dude would kill me early. One could only hope.
Laughter erupted from the living room the minute Sam
stepped in. How was I supposed to facilitate a group about grief
when every single member hated me or wanted to stab me with the
closest pointy object?
I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall.
“Hey,” a familiar voice said from the door.
I opened my eyes. “Lyss. I mean, Alyssa. You came.” I hated
that I was flashing the most ridiculous grin known to mankind.
She shrugged. “Parents made me.”
Of course. It had nothing to do with me. I mustered up the
last ounce of confidence I had and nodded my head. “Well, I’m
glad they did.”
Her eyes narrowed.
“Anyway, I’m just waiting for one more. Go ahead and
make yourself at home.”
Alyssa walked by me so fast I nearly got windburn. Great.
Would I get no admirers? If this was some sort of trick in order to
humble me, Mrs. Murray had another thing coming.
I was already pathetically humble.
Too humble, if you asked me. Loss had a way of doing that
to you. It stripped every ounce of confidence you ever had, not
only in yourself, but in the people around you.
I waited for five more minutes. Mrs. Murray called earlier
that day to say we had another member. Apparently, he was a last
minute addition. That was all the information she gave me. And
now he was late.
The laughter grew louder from the living room. I was being
a chicken. I wanted to stroll out my front door and walk headfirst
into the ocean.
Playing at the Grammy’s had been easier than this.
I gave myself a pep talk and walked into the living room.
Directly into silence.
I cleared my throat and sat on the recliner, the only available
seat, and nodded toward the coffee table. “As you can see, we have
some name tags here, so everyone can get to know your name.”
Everyone grumbled in unison as I threw out markers for
them to grab and use to write their names.
I was winning nobody over, that much was clear.
Well, hopefully I wouldn’t get in trouble. I was about to
break a lot of rules. I wrote my name down and began talking.
“So, I’m your group facilitator…” Several eyes darted away
from me. Eyes that held pain, doubt, insecurity, fear. God, how I
knew what it was like.
Here went nothing. “I used drugs and alcohol to numb my
loss and nearly killed myself, not to mention several others, in the
process. I’m an ass. I’m a man-whore user, who, up until last year,
slept with anything that looked at me. I used hard earned money to
buy drugs and thought nothing of getting others hooked right
along with me. Until I met someone… and everything changed. I
would like to say it’s because of me that I changed. But clearly, I’m
an idiot and an ass, and it took way more than just my own
diminishing conscience to get clean. But in all of my bad choices I
learned something valuable.” I cleared my throat; you could hear a
pin drop in the room. Sweat pooled in my hands. “I learned that
sometimes it’s okay to let others help you. Sometimes it’s not going
to be you who takes that first step. It’s going to be the person who
isn’t too scared to push you. The person who doesn’t care that they
may lose you as a friend. I know that by myself I can never be
strong enough to break free from the cycle I put myself in. And I’m
okay with leaning on others. By the way, I’m Demetri, your group
leader.”
The big dude, who earlier looked like he wanted to kill me,
got up from his seat. Crap, this was where he was going to walk
out.
I watched him tentatively as he made his way over to my
chair and stuck out his hand. “I’m Aaron, and it’s great to meet
you, Demetri.”
I felt my eyes widen just slightly. I grasped his hand and
shook it firmly. “Nice to meet you, Aaron.”
“Holly.” The girl who had arrived with the bigger guy
smiled warmly and held out her hand.
“You know who I am.” Sam waved from across the coffee
table. His eyes flickered downward and then back up at me before
giving a nod. The type of nod guys give other guys when you
finally decide they’re cool enough to possibly hang out. At least he
didn’t want to run me over with his car anymore.
All heads turned toward Alyssa. I knew it was a small town.
No doubt everyone in this room was aware that I had been
pursuing the girl like some lovesick high schooler who’d never
kissed a girl before.
I waited for her to say something. She wrote her name down
on the piece of paper and smiled at everyone but me. In fact, her
eyes quickly darted past me as she greeted the group. “I’m Alyssa.”
“I know you from school,” Holly said. “I mean, you were in
a class below me, but it’s good to see you.”
Alyssa blushed and nodded.
Aaron pulled Holly tighter against him and kissed her
forehead.
“Now that that’s out of the way…” I leaned forward. “I
think it would be good for all of us to state why we’re in grief
group. I’m not going to spout any crap about the circle of trust or
anything, but you’re all aware you’ve had to sign gag orders, so
everything that’s said inside this house, stays here. Are we clear?”
I was a little shocked that I had taken control so completely.
My voice seemed strong, confident, and crazy as it sounds, once I
made that little statement, I felt that way. I felt like I was doing
exactly what I should be doing.
Heads nodded in my direction.
“Good.” I leaned back. “Who’s going to go first?”
“I will,” a voice said from behind me. All eyes flickered up
to meet the intruder. I turned around and greeted the guy. He must
have been about nineteen, maybe twenty by the looks of him.
“Sorry.” He shrugged and offered a smile. “I knocked and
then some huge dude answered the door and told me you guys
were already starting.”
“That would be Bob.” I nodded and offered a smile. “I’m
Demetri.”
The guy laughed warmly. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure it would be
impossible not to know that. How you doin’, man?”
“Can’t complain.” I motioned to the couch. “Why don’t you
have a seat?”
I turned back toward the group and noticed that every single
person was looking at the newcomer as if he was some sort of
ghost. Even Aaron’s eyes were bulging.
Holly began to cry softly into his chest, and Alyssa’s jaw was
clenched so tightly I thought her teeth were going to fall out.
What the hell?
Small towns blew, that much was true. I was clearly missing
out on something important, but we only had another half hour of
group left, and I had tons of stuff I needed to get through.
“I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name?” I asked the guy.
He held out his hand. “Connor. Connor Austin.”
Why did that name, of all names, sound familiar? I could
have sworn the football stadium was called Austin Stadium. Must
be from a rich family or something.
“Cool.” I leaned back in my chair. “You still up for pouring
your guts out?”
“Yup.” He leaned forward. “I know I’m the last person you
guys want to see.”
“Why’s that?” I asked. I couldn’t help it.
Connor got really silent. None of the group members were
moving. It was as if the entire mood of the day had shifted.
Everything I had done didn’t matter. Not with Connor sitting there.
“Since it looks like I’m the outsider…” I cursed and ran my
fingers through my hair in irritation. “Will somebody please tell me
what the hell is going on?”
Connor’s face snapped to Alyssa’s; she was still looking
down. “I killed someone.”
Not what I expected. I tried to play it cool. “Care to expand
on that, Connor?”
“It was an accident.”
Well, that was a relief.
“I was driving to an away game. The rain was coming down
in sheets. I couldn’t see a thing. A deer ran out in front of me, and I
swerved. I didn’t see the truck. I didn’t know he was on the side of
the road —” A sob escaped Connor’s throat. “He pulled out into
traffic the minute I swerved away from the deer, so I was in his
blind spot. By the time I pulled back in, I side-swiped him. The
truck ran into the telephone pole.”
Alyssa bolted from her seat and ran out the door. I got up to
go after her, but quickly sat back down. This was my group. I
couldn’t just leave them.
Connor cursed and clenched his fist. “I killed Brady Stevens
that night. Star quarterback of our football team, my best friend in
the whole world.”
“Did he die instantly?” I asked. Call it morbid curiosity, but I
wasn’t sure how far this grief went. Did the guy go into a coma?
Was he paralyzed for a while?
“No.” Connor sucked in a breath. “His girlfriend was with
him. Nobody knows how, but his body shielded her from the
impact. When she woke up, she started doing compressions. He
died at the hospital.”
So the girlfriend was still living.
My mind flashed to the sweatshirt Alyssa wore all the time.
“What was his football number?”
“Fifteen.” Everyone answered in unison and looked at me
and then at the empty spot Alyssa had just left.
“The girlfriend,” I stated.
Connor nodded numbly.
“Shit.”
Aaron, the person who I least expected to do anything in this
type of situation, leaned forward and placed a hand on Connor’s
shoulder. “It’s not your fault, you know that, right?”
Connor shook his head. “If I would have paid more
attention. If…”
Sam was eerily quiet. I looked to him and noticed that he
had been sitting there crying for a while.
“It was an accident,” Sam said hoarsely. “I’ve spent too
many days wishing I’d have done something, anything really.” His
eyes flickered to Connor. “There was nothing you could do, man,
nothing any of us could do. Sometimes life is just damn unfair.”
His hands shook as he clenched and unclenched his fingers. I
narrowed my eyes as I watched another tear slide down his cheek.
His response was different than the others. It was personal, more
personal than even the best friend responsible. And suddenly it
dawned on me. I’d seen that look on my brother’s face before — the
day I was lying in the hospital bed.
“You’re his brother.”
Sam’s head snapped to attention and then his eyes
narrowed. “How’d you know?”
Honestly I had no idea how the hell I knew it, or that his face
reminded me of Alec’s. I shrugged. “The way you are with her,
almost as if you’re trying to be him or something. Like you owe her
what he didn’t follow through on. I don’t know, maybe I’m just
losing my mind, but I do know one thing. You can’t take his place,
man.” I looked at him dead on. “That’s how I can tell.”
“Shit.” Sam hit his hand against the coffee table and cursed
again. “I know I can’t take his place, don’t you think I know that?”
“Then what the hell are you doing?” I said it calmly. I
needed him to see what he was doing. The shell of a life he was
leading. I don’t even know how I knew it. I could just tell. He was
miserable. He didn’t want to be in Seaside, working at the
aquarium.
“She needs me.”
“You can’t save her.” Whoa. Where did that come from?
Was I suddenly being gifted with wisdom instead of jackass-ness?
Sam nodded his head and then got to his feet and slowly
walked to the couch where Connor sat.
“I’m sorry, man.” Connor shook his head. I’d never seen a
guy cry like that before. Sobs wracked his body. I wasn’t one for
man love, but I couldn’t just let him sit there. So I sat next to him on
the couch and patted his back while Sam sat next to him and cried
as well.
I wasn’t sure if this meant I was the worst group facilitator
in the world or the best. I felt raw, upset, so many things. I didn’t
even want to acknowledge my own feelings, because if I did I’d
realize what a complete ass I’d been for the last two years.
People were hurting in this world.
Yes. I’ve had my fair share. But at least I had family to help
me get over it. I had Alec and Nat. I was able to power through,
finally.
But these people. Their cuts were still wide open for the
world to see. Alyssa especially, and a part of me realized that it
would take a lot more than group therapy to help the girl.
I steered the conversation toward our next meeting and
walked everyone out. Sam and Connor both stopped in front of me.
Both of them had ghosts of a smile on their faces.
“Thanks, man.” Connor pulled me into a hug and slapped
my back.
“No problem.” I coughed.
Sam shook his head. “Of all the people to work through this
shit with us…”
I rolled my eyes. “I know, I know. I’m probably the worst.”
Sam swallowed and looked down at the ground. “No, um, I
was going to say you’re probably the best.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“Are you hitting on me?” I joked.
Sam rolled his eyes. “And there he is, Demetri Daniels,
certified man-whore. We’ll see you later, man.”
“Wait, you don’t want my number?” I smirked, this time I
was serious.
The guys laughed and we traded numbers before I shut the
door behind them.