Friday
Is it terrible that I don’t want to hold Catherine, aka Kit? I watch as Mellie and Joey both take a turn holding her, with Matt bracing both of them in his strong arms. He’s so gentle with his daughters, a lot like Paul is with Hayley. Seth waves the baby away, though he does present Emily and Logan with a coupon book for a dozen diaper changes that can be used in the future.
“Preferably before she starts to eat solid food,” he says with a laugh.
Logan shoves him, and then he pulls him in for a hug. Seth has become a part of the family. Sky takes the baby next, and she props her up on her big belly and looks down at her. “She’s so beautiful,” she breathes.
“My turn,” Reagan cries. She takes her from Sky like she’s a football and holds her up so Pete can help her support Kit’s head. Kit’s eyes are wide open and she stares into Reagan’s face, and Kit grabs hold of Pete’s finger and holds on tight.
“She’s got one hell of a grip,” Pete declares.
“Let me have a turn,” Sam says, and he takes her next.
“All these blond men,” Emily’s mom says. “She’s not going to know who’s who.”
Kit’s eyes wander over to Logan, almost like she’s looking for him, and he smiles, his arm still around Emily as he sits beside her in the hospital bed. Emily looks tired, but she knows none of these boys are going to leave without holding that little girl at least once.
Matt goes to Emily and kisses her cheek, whispers into her ear, and then ushers his family out of the room. The little girls get one last look at the baby, and then the room empties out just a little.
Pete and Reagan leave next. “Get some rest,” Pete tells Emily, squeezing the top of her head. He makes a loud slurping sound against Logan’s cheek, and Logan swats him away. Sam passes the baby to Paul and goes out with Pete and Reagan.
“Thing one and thing two,” Emily’s dad says.
Paul chuckles. “At least they’re staying out of trouble.”
A lady comes in and introduces herself as a lactation consultant. Paul puts Kit in my arms before I can stop him and wraps his arms around us both. I close my eyes and let the safe sensation wash over me. When I open them, Emily is casting me a curious glance.
“We should all go,” I say.
Emily’s parents look at one another and nod. They’re leaving, too. I was worried we’d have to run them out so Emily could learn to breastfeed her baby in private. I would totally do that for her.
“We’ll be back later,” Emily’s dad says. Emily just lays her head back against the inclined bed and nods.
I put the baby in Logan’s arms, and she squirms, her little mouth opening to let out a cry. Logan looks at Emily. “Is she loud?” he asks.
Emily shakes her head. “She kind of sounds like a baby bird,” she says.
Logan stares down at his daughter as though she’s a thing of wonderment. And she is. She really is.
“Congratulations,” Paul says to them both.
Emily winces when Kit’s sounds become more like a siren. “Okay, now she’s loud,” she says with a laugh. Logan passes Kit to Emily, and she looks up at the lactation consultant like she’s not sure what to do.
Paul ushers Em’s parents out the door, and we follow.
He heaves a sigh and looks down at his watch. “Don’t we have a doctor’s appointment today?” he asks.
I stop and think. “Oh shit,” I say. The sun is up, and it’s Monday. And I have an appointment at ten in the morning.
I reach for my purse to pull my phone out, but I realize I left it in the hospital room.
“I’ll be right back,” I say, and I sprint back up to Emily’s room. I knock softly and wait for someone to call out that I can come in. Emily has the baby in her arms and her shoulder is bare. Logan tosses a lightweight blanket over her really quickly.
“It’s just me,” I say. “Sorry, but I forgot my purse.”
I dash over and grab it. But at the door, I have to stop and take one last look. Emily is sitting up in bed staring down at their daughter. Logan has his arm wrapped around them both, and he’s holding them close, talking softly to Emily. She turns and kisses his cheek. He smiles at her, and there’s so much love there that it makes me ache inside.
They’re all wrapped up in one another, so I leave the room much more quietly than I arrived.
But outside the door I stop and think about the way they looked together. Their family is perfect. Is it safe for me to want that, too? Or is perfect something I’ll just never have?
Paul looks so damn handsome leaning against the pole outside the hospital that I have to stop and stare at him. He laughs down at his phone. God, that man makes my heart go pitter-patter when he smiles. And when he frowns. And when he does nothing. But mostly, when he smiles, he takes my breath away.
“What’s funny?” I ask as I walk up to him.
He holds up his phone and shows me the picture of Emily and Kit that Logan must have just taken. First full tummy, it says under it.
“Next he’ll send one that says first full diaper,” Paul says with a chuckle. He hops up onto the curb and walks down it like it’s a tightrope, his arms outstretched. He can be so serious and still such a kid at the same time. I guess he should still be young at heart. He’s only in his mid to late twenties, although he’s been carrying the burden of his entire family his whole adult life. I like this side of him.
I shove him off the curb, and he jumps to the ground. He takes my hand.
“You always this happy in the morning?” I ask.
He points to his chest. “Who, me?” he asks. “I am Mr. Sunshine all the time.”
I laugh out loud. “Tell that to someone who doesn’t know you.”
He looks down at his phone and then throws his head back and laughs. “See,” he says. “Told you.”
I see the picture of Kit’s first diaper change and roll my eyes. “I think it’s sweet,” I say quietly.
He sobers a little and looks closely at me. Too closely for comfort, so I cross my arms and speed toward the subway.
“You know you’re pregnant, right?” he asks my back.
I stop. “I won’t know until later,” I say. I turn to face him.
He brushes my hair back from my forehead. “You’ve woken up sick the past two days,” he says. “You’re pregnant.”
“I won’t know until later,” I say again, and I start for the subway again.
“And if you are?” he calls after me.
I shrug. “Then I am.”
“And?” he shouts.
“And what?” I turn around and glare at him.
“And how do you feel about that?” he asks.
I shrug again. “Fine. It’s not like I didn’t plan for it.” I make my eyes go wide and stare at him.
He holds up his hands like he’s surrendering. “Just checking,” he says.
“It’s not like it’s mine,” I remind him.
“So that means what?”
“It means it’s not mine,” I say again. “This baby is going to have two wonderful daddies, and just because it’s growing inside me does not make it mine.” Hell, even the one that does share my DNA isn’t mine. I close my eyes.
“I think you’ll like being pregnant this time,” he says. He takes my hand and pulls me into the subway. He wraps his arms around me like before and talks close to my ear. It’s all intimate, even though there’s a crowd of people around us. “After this one,” he whispers, “do you think you might like your own?”
“No.” I don’t even need to think about it.
His brow furrows. “Why not?”
“I’m not mother material.”
“F*ck that,” he says.
“F*ck you,” I say back.
He grins. “I wish you would,” he whispers, and then he kisses me quickly.
I shove his shoulder. “Shut up.”
He lifts my arms and wraps them around his neck, and then he kisses me. He kisses me in the middle of a crowded subway car with people all around us—again—but I feel like we’re the only two people in the world.
His phone dings, and he pulls it out of his pocket. He grins and shows me the picture. “First spit up,” he says.