“What do you mean you got off on the wrong foot?” she says sitting on the sofa and drawing her legs up underneath her.
“Honestly, it was so cringe-worthy and stupid it doesn't even matter. But I guess it broke the ice. If he’d turned up and acted like I was expecting him to, like ‘I’m so cool I’m in a band worship me’, I don't think we’d have ended up going for dinner or even getting along at all.”
“Really…so you like him, huh?”
“What? No, that’s not what I mean. He was just nicer than I was expecting is all. I don’t like him like him.”
“Uh-huh…that’s not what that smile’s telling me, baby girl. Don't kid a kidder, Blair.”
I can’t help but smile wider. Busted.
I’m cranky as hell as I make my way to first period. I got next to no sleep last night. After the initial Ethan high wore off, I was consumed with a feeling of guilt that I was crushing on Emily’s Ethan. I took her letter out of my desk and read it over and over until I couldn't see anything through my tears. I must have fallen asleep from the sheer exhaustion of crying.
I woke late this morning with puffy eyes and a splitting headache. I did decide one thing in my hormonally-induced girly meltdown. I need to suck it up and cross the things off her list. She’s asked me to do one thing, and if I can’t do that, then what kind of a friend does that make me? I know without a doubt she would do the same for me, although I can’t ever imagine asking her to. Maybe if I can do this for her it will give me closure. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that she is actually gone. It’s been months, and I still find myself waiting for her phone calls. I miss her so much.
I contemplated ditching but then I gave myself a ‘quit it with the pity’ pep talk and hauled ass to school. Now I'm making my way through the halls and I can’t help but scan them for any sign of Ethan. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help myself. He’s gotten under my skin and it’s more than a little unsettling.
I quickly come to the conclusion that he’s not here today. I’ve seen most of the guys from the volleyball team and all the other members of Kickstart at one point or another, but he’s nowhere to be found. He wasn't at the douche table at lunch, either. The amount of time Ethan Jamison has consumed my mind today is ridiculous; I kind of want to kick my own ass for being such a girl. I need to get a grip. This isn’t me.
I catch my reflection as I pass the windows in the hall on the way to my locker. I pulled my hair into a low ponytail this morning and I run my hand through it, pausing as a memory of Emily assaults my mind. I’m instantly transported back to the week after her diagnosis. Mom had taken me to UCLA Health Center to visit her. Pam had called my mom and told her she was having a rough day; her hair had started to fall out when she’d taken a shower and it had freaked her out.
When we arrived at the hospital, Pam, my mom and Bill, Em’s dad had left us to go grab a coffee. Emily was sitting hugging her knees resting against the headboard of the hospital bed. She was so pale it almost didn't look like her. I can see the scene perfectly in my mind now.
“It’s happening already, Blair, I didn’t think it would be this fast. I’ve only been on chemo a week and my hair is falling out in clumps every time I touch it.”
I sat down on the bed beside her and rubbed my hand in small circles over her back.
“You’ll still be beautiful with no hair, you know. And it will grow back super fast, you can rock one of those pixie haircuts all the stars go for.”
“I do have great cheek bones.” She half smiled.
“Exactly! You’ll look freaking amazing.”
She looked back at me and I expected a smart quip, but instead I was met with a weak smile that quickly morphed into a look of utter sadness as her eyes welled and she let out a sob. I reached over and pulled her to me, enveloping her in a tight hug.
“I’m going to look like a real cancer patient now,” she sniffed. “Everyone will stare at me.”
“Hey, it’s just hair, Em. You know what? If people stare at you, they’ll have to stare at me, too.” I shuffled back off the bed. “I’ll be back in a sec.”
I found a nurse at the desk out in the hall and asked her to help me with something. Five minutes later I was followed back into Emily’s room by a nurse whose name tag read, ‘Jolly’. She was an older woman with spiky purple hair and rosy cheeks.
“Hello Emily, Blair asked me to come in and help her with something,” Jolly announced.
Em shot me a confused look and I grinned and pulled the chair from the corner of the room out into the middle and sat down. I pulled my ponytail over my shoulder and before Em could register what was about to happen, I took the scissors that Jolly had given me, and sliced straight through my long brown hair. I was left with my ponytail in my hand as my remaining hair sprang up and fell over my face, into my eyes.