I nod faintly, and he exhales in relief, putting his arm around my shoulder and tucking me into his chest. We walk slowly and silently back to his apartment.
After sitting me on the couch and placing my bag and shoes under the table, he goes straight to his drinks cabinet and pours some dark liquid into a tumbler, quickly downing it before refilling. His hands are braced on the edge, his head dropped. It’s too quiet. Uncomfortable. I need to know what’s ticking in that complex mind of his.
After the long, difficult silence, he picks his drink up and makes his way over to my shrinking form, taking a seat on the glass table and placing his drink down, shifting it a tiny bit. He eventually sighs. ‘Livy, I’m doing a terrible job of pretending that this hasn’t knocked me sideways.’
‘You are,’ I agree.
‘You’re so . . . well, lovely – pure in a healthy way. I love that.’
I frown. ‘Because you get to walk all over me?’
‘No, it’s just . . .’
‘What, Miller? It’s just what?’
‘You’re different. Your beauty starts here.’ He leans in and runs his palm across my cheek, hypnotising me with his intense blue gaze. Then he slowly drags it down my throat and onto my chest. ‘And goes all the way to here. Deep into here. It shines through those sapphire eyes, Olivia Taylor. I saw it the moment I looked at you.’ My emotions are choking me, the mention of sapphire eyes bringing back fond memories of my granddad. ‘I want to surrender myself to you completely, Livy. I want to be yours. You are my perfect.’
I’m shocked. But I don’t voice it. For Miller to say I’m his perfect, given his crazily perfect world, is . . . crazy.
He grabs my hands and kisses my knuckles. ‘I don’t care what happened years ago.’ His forehead wrinkles and he begins to shake his head. ‘No, I apologise. I do care, I f**king hate that you did that. I don’t understand why.’
‘I felt lost,’ I whisper. ‘Granddad kept things together after my mum vanished. He battled with Nan’s grief for years and disguised his own. Then he died. He’d hidden my mother’s journal all that time.’ I draw breath and continue before I lose my flow or Miller loses his mind. He looks more and more shocked by the second. ‘She wrote about all of these men showering her with gifts and attention. Maybe I could find that, and find her too.’
‘Your nan loved you.’
‘Nan wasn’t capable of anything when Granddad died. She spent every hour of every day crying and praying for answers. She couldn’t see me through her grief.’
Miller’s eyes clench shut but I go on, despite him clearly struggling.
‘I left and found William. He was taken by me.’ Miller’s teeth are gritting now. ‘It didn’t take him long to make the connection and he sent me away. But I went back. Now I had an idea of how it worked. I was even more determined to see if I could find out anything about my mum, but I never did. All I felt was shame when I let one of them have me.’
‘Livy, please.’ Miller’s cheeks puff and release a slow stream of air, an obvious attempt to calm himself.
‘William took me home, and I found Nan in a worse state than when I’d left. She was in such a dark place. I felt so guilty and I realised it was my job to take care of her now. We only had each other. I never returned to William and I’ve never given myself to anyone since. Nan’s never known where I went and what I did. She never can.’
My clouded vision sees wide blue eyes and a stoic face. It’s out there now. No going back.
He seems to shake himself back to life, squeezing my hands in his. ‘Promise me you won’t ever degrade yourself like that again. I beg you.’
I don’t hesitate. ‘I promise.’ It’s the easiest promise that I’ve ever made. That’s all he has to say? There’s no look of contempt or disgust. ‘I promise,’ I affirm. ‘I promise, I promise, I pro—’ I don’t get any further. He moves in fast, taking me down to my back, and completely drowns me in his mouth’s attention, kissing me until I’m literally seeing stars. He’s moaning into my neck, kissing his way over my cheek, thrusting his tongue into my mouth. He’s everywhere. ‘I promise,’ I moan. ‘I promise.’
He grapples with the shirt I’m wearing, pulling it open to access my body. ‘You’d better not,’ he warns seriously, trailing his lips down my neck and onto my chest. His mouth locks around my tingling nipple and sucks hard, and I’m arching my back and throwing my hands into action. They home in on his strong shoulders, my nails scraping at him, and then I feel his fingers between my thighs, separating me, and his head starts moving down. He sends me delirious with a firm, hot lick up my centre before he’s on his way up my body again and plunging into my mouth. ‘So ready,’ he mumbles.
‘Inside. I want you inside me.’ I’m demanding, desperate for him to scrub away the last hour of agonising confessions and judgments. ‘Please.’
He growls, firming up his kiss. ‘Condom.’