Chapter 11
"You hurt me." My lips skirt over his neck. "You tore me to shreds."
His breath courses hot over my forehead. "I'm lost right now. You get that, right? You know that I can't think or eat or breathe because you f*cking hate me, Jessica."
"I hate what you did," I qualify his statement. "I hate that you used my body to get something for her." I do hate that. I detest that he used his knowledge of Drew's addiction and his desire for me to manipulate money from him.
"I hate myself for that." His hands reach past me to rest on either side of the door to his office. "I hate that I hurt you. It makes me sick when I think about it."
"I'll never forgive you for this." I mean every word. I can't forgive him. I've thought all morning about what Rebecca said to me about throwing Nathan away for the one mistake. It's more than that though. It's the endless lovers he's had, it's the half-truths about Drew and most of all, it's the fact that he sat in that bar and boasted about my body.
"I won't give up until you forgive me, Jessica." His lips graze across my cheek. "I'm never giving up until I'm back inside of you."
"You're going to forget about me." It's not meant as a challenge, it's only an observation based on everything I already know about him. "Your cock is going to need someone and you'll find her and she'll be your new obsession."
He takes a heavy step back as if I've physically assaulted him. I see a veil of pain wash over him, bouncing through his eyes. "No." His tone is raspy, direct and measured.
"Stop it." My words are ripe with impatience. "Just stop pretending I meant anything to you."
He's on me in an instant, his heavy body pressing into mine. "I love you, Jessica."
I cringe when he says the words. I don't want to hear them. I believed them for a brief moment weeks ago. I felt something when he said them in this same office right before I found out about the bet. Back then, I thought there was a chance that this could turn into something substantial. Now, all I feel is regret and distance.
"I love you," he repeats the words, saying them louder this time. "I'm not forgetting about you. I'm going to fix this."
"You can't," I spit back at him. "This is so far past f*cked up that it's not fixable." I don’t mean that. If I meant it, I wouldn’t have come to see him this morning. I wouldn't have thought about throwing all caution to the wind and kissing him. I wouldn't have felt my heart breaking within my chest. If I meant it, it wouldn’t hurt this much.
"I can fix this." His tone is determined and strong. "Tell me how. Jessica, tell me."
"You said…" I feel every defense I've built up since I met him crumbling to my feet in a pool of heated dust. "You said that you f*cked my body to him. I heard it. I heard you talking about me like that."
"Christ, no." He pulls my head into his chest, cradling his arms around me. "I didn't mean it like that. You're not just a f*ck. You've never been just a f*ck. Please tell me you get that, Jessica. Tell me."
"I can't stop hearing those words in my head." I pull my hands to my temples. "Hearing you tell him that. Hearing you say it to Drew."
"I just wanted that to be over." His voice pleads as his hands claw at my arms. "I just wanted to get all of that over with and behind me."
"You can't talk about me like that." The words pale in comparison to their meaning. I can't shake the sound of his voice boasting about bedding me.
"Jessica, please." His body is steely against me. His resolve is unwavering. "Tell me what to do. I can't lose you. I can't go back to before you."
"Take back what you said to him." I'm asking him to do the impossible. I'm asking for something he can never give to me.
He pulls me even closer. "I'll make you forget you heard that. I'm going to drown it out. I'll show you."