Taking his face between her hands, she shook him hard. “No, Jordie! You are not fucking her! You get that out of your head right now. You hear me?” She was screaming, her eyes filling with tears. “No, no fucking way. You are good. You are the most beautiful man in the world, and I fucking love you. All of you. Even this shitty part of you that is basically a wound that she keeps stabbing at! You hear me?”
His eyes glazed over as he turned, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist. Burying his face in her chest, he sucked in a deep breath, telling himself that he would never give his mom any more of his time. Kacey was right; he was nothing like her. He knew how to love someone, because he did it every moment Kacey was on his mind. But as much as he wanted to be strong, he wanted to brush her off, he wanted to let the pain she was causing him go, he couldn’t. His feelings and his pain were there, oozing and throbbing like a wound. A big, gaping wound that his mother stood above and poured salt into.
A wound he wasn’t sure how to close.
As soon as the thought came, he wished he could make it go away. But he could drown the wound and himself with whiskey in a second.
Everything would go away. He would be free of everything.
“It isn’t worth it,” she whispered, kissing his temple, and he looked up at her. “I can feel it, I can see it on your face. You want a drink but, Jordie, it isn’t worth it. The pain right now, yeah, it fucking sucks. But afterward, when you disappoint everyone and possibly start losing people, you’ll look back on this pain and say, I’d rather have suffered that a bit, because this will go away,” she reminded him as her eyes burned into his. “Please, don’t think that is the answer.”
“I don’t want to,” he admitted. “But it’s so easy.”
“But usually what’s easy isn’t worth it, remember?” she whispered, pressing her nose to his. “Hockey isn’t easy, but worth it. Life isn’t easy, but it’s worth it too. Hell, we aren’t easy, Jordie, no matter how much we think we are. The truth is, we aren’t. But, yet, we are still worth it. You’re worth more than anything to me, Jordie. Please, let this go.” Her eyes held his as she shook him gently. “Tell me what to do. Anything. Let me get your guitar,” she suggested, releasing him, but he wouldn’t let her go.
“No, just hold me?” he asked, but he was too embarrassed to look her in the eyes. Slowly, she laid them back, holding him tightly to her and kissing the top of his head. Wrapping his legs and arms around her, he held on, his chest clenching, his heart pounding, and he didn’t understand why this had happened.
Why couldn’t he be stronger?
And what would he have done if Kacey hadn’t been there?
He thought he had come so far, but maybe he was wrong.
Maybe he hadn’t come far at all.
“You’ve been quiet lately.”
Jordie looked up from where he was breaking down boxes, his brows coming together. Karson stood at the counter, unloading a box of silverware, his gaze on him as he lined the silverware up in its drawer.
“What?” he asked, unsure of what Karson meant. They were unloading boxes in Jordie and Kacey’s new kitchen; why would they be talking? She had been psycho about the placement of stuff. He had to make sure he did it all right and to her liking because he really wanted to have sex, and they hadn’t done that in a couple days. With her family and Lacey basically moving in to get everything done before the first game of the season, it was easy to say that their sex life had been lacking. Mostly because they were both dog-tired come the end of the day.